"How can it be so cold in here? It's like Greenland in here. We've got to get some booze. It's the only solution to this intense cold. Something's got to be done. We can't go on like this. I'm a trained actor reduced to the status of a bum. I mean, look at us! Nothing that reasonable members of society demand as their rights! No fridges, no televisions, no phones! Much more of this and I'm going to apply for meals on wheels."

"I demand to have some booze!"

"I have some extremely distressing news. We've just run out of wine; what are we going to do about it?"

"I think we've been in here too long. I feel unusual."

"To sum up: your father, whom you love, dies, you are his heir, you come back to find that hardly was the corpse cold before his young brother popped onto his throne and into his sheets, thereby offending both legal and natural practice. Now why exactly are you behaving in this extraordinary manner? (It is worth noting that the Danish monarchy only became hereditary in the 17th century. Before this time, the crown was elective so Hamlet may not have been the elected heir.)"

"Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one. A moment. In childhood. When it first occurred to you that you don't go on forever. Must have been shattering, stamped into one's memory. And yet, I can't remember it. It never occurred to me at all. We must be born with an intuition of mortality. Before we know the word for it. Before we know that there are words. Out we come, bloodied and squalling, with the knowledge that for all the points of the compass, there's only one direction, and time is its only measure."

"There we were—demented children mincing about in clothes that no one ever wore, speaking as no man ever spoke, swearing love in wigs and rhymed couplets, killing each other with wooden swords, hollow protestations of faith hurled after empty promises of vengeance—and every gesture, every pose, vanishing into the thin unpopulated air. We ransomed our dignity to the clouds, and the uncomprehending birds listened. Don't you see?! We're actors—we're the opposite of people!"

"We're more of the love, blood and rhetoric school. Well, we can do you blood and love without the rhetoric, and we can do you blood and rhetoric without the love, and we can do you all three concurrent or consecutive. But we can't give you love and rhetoric without the blood. Blood is compulsory. They're all blood, you see."

"We do on stage things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else."

"There must have been a time, in the beginning, when we could have said – no. But somehow we missed it."

"No, no, no... you've got it all wrong... you can't act death. The fact of it is nothing to do with seeing it happen — it's not gasps and blood and falling about — that isn't what makes it death. It's just a man failing to reappear, that's all — now you see him, now you don't, that's the only thing that's real: here one minute and gone the next and never coming back — an exit, unobtrusive and unannounced, a disappearance gathering weight as it goes on, until, finally, it is heavy with death."

"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered."

"A man speaking sense to himself is no madder than a man speaking nonsense not to himself."

"Chuck Grieve - Guy at Taco Stand"

"Luca Bercovici - Boot Guy"

"Frances Bay - Grandma"

"Robin Antin - Waitress in Canters"

"Martha Plimpton - Sofie"

"Debi Mazar - Daphne"

"Ricki Lake - Bella the Stalker"

"Bo Hopkins - Mike Zetterland"

"Katherine Helmond - Honor Zetterland"

"Rupert Everett - Sasha"

"Tate Donovan - Brent Zetterland"

"Sofia Coppola - Cindy"

"Sandra Bernhard - Imogene"

"Patricia Arquette - Grace"

"Steve Antin - Monkey Zetterland"

"Tami Peterson has always been hyper-critical of my performance art. I mean she even delivered a speech in the quad about it called "Imogene: What do You Mean?" I mean, how could she do that to me? I've always been so nice to her!"

"Excuse me, very rude and obnoxious stranger."

"Una el coka dieta!"

"Lauren Zuckerman - Observation Psychiatrist"

"Melissa Sullivan - Observation Psychiatrist"

"Marc Lafia - Observation Psychiatrist"

"Blair Tefkin - Brent's Assistant"

"Lou Pearlman - Warden / Observation Psychiatrist"

"Chris Nash (actor) - Policeman"

"Nicholas Matus - Young Monkey"

"Lance Loud - Psychiatrist"