"[At Mikita's, the doughnut shop] And there I am in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at three o' clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&M's to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door and mentions there's a little sweetshop on the edge of town. So, we go, and - it's closed. So there's me, and Keith Moon, and David Crosby breaking into this little sweetshop right? Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big Bengal tiger. Well I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopowner and his son, that's a different story altogether... I had to beat them to death with their own shoes... Nasty business really... But sure enough, I got the M&M's and Ozzy went on stage and did a GREAT show." [everyone in donut shop claps]"

"[Telling Wayne what people might say if he mentions Jim Morrison on the show] Look, there's Garth, and his friend Wayne...the psychopath."

"I know all seven animal styles: The crane, the stag, the horse, the tiger, the bat, the rat, the monkey, the Beatle [imitates Ringo Starr]. I will take you."

"These pipes are clean!"

"I just don't get it! She seems totally uninterested in me, despite my smothering obsessiveness!"

"Russ Tamblyn — Chocki"

"Ann Magnuson — Calli"

"Jim Cummings — Cupcake (voice)"

"Edward Flotard — Limo Driver"

"Bob Elliott — William Mayweather"

"David H. Sterry — Lance"

"Alex Nevil — Thomas"

"I.M. Hobson — Headmaster Timmons"

"Melora Walters — Trina"

"Brion James — Big Teddy"

"David Letterman — Old salt in fishing village"

"Brian Doyle-Murray — Skunk"

"Ricki Lake — Figurehead"

"James Gammon — Paps"

"Ritch Brinkley — Captain Greybar"

"Chris Elliott — Nathanial Mayweather"

"He's sailing high on the high seas, without a rudder, a compass, or a clue."

"Paps: Okay, you icy bastard, how about a hot cup-a joe!"

"Kenny: Mmmm. Gum."

"Cupcake: Now I know what you're thinking. "What could be stranger than a big fatass floatin' cupcake?" Heh. How about one that spits tobacco?"

"Trina: Thats wonderful. I'm always flattered when a psychotic becomes smitten with me."

"Man, oh man, do I hate them fancy lads!"

"Gosh you're cute. Wanna buy a monkey?"

"When you're on the Queen Catherine, don't let 'em give you any of that flank steak bullshit. You know what I mean? Try the London Broil."

"We should call this place Wackyville... because it's wacky!"

"Paps, you've been like the drunken, abusive grandfather I never had."