"Scut Farkus: [to Ralphie] Listen, jerk! When I tell you to come, you better come! [Ralphie starts quivering] What? Are you gonna cry now? Come on, crybaby, cry for me! Come on! CRY, HA HA!!! [begins mock crying and laughing]"

"Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya."

"[as an adult, narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man."

"[after cracking a secret code, reading it] Be sure...to...drink...your...Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!"

"[to Thurman] Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did? He kicked my ass. You know why? It's because he was a mean, drunk son of a bitch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You gonna have to quit being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something...or don't. Shit. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it."

"I said "next," goddamn it! This is not the DMV, all right? Move it along."

"John Ritter — Bob Chipeska"

"Bernie Mac — Gin Slagel"

"Lauren Tom — Lois Skidmore"

"Lauren Graham — Sue"

"Brett Kelly — Thurman Murman"

"[narrating] I've been to prison once. I've been married twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out, and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this. If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats pissing on my lap for days out of the year, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Come to think of it, I still might."

"Tony Cox — Marcus Skidmore"

"Billy Bob Thornton — Willie T. Soke"

"Get Naughty this Holiday Season."

"He doesn't care if you're naughty or nice."

"He's very naughty . . . and not very nice."

"When I look at you, you know what I think? I think America has a sad future ahead of it."

"Jesus Christ! Can you maybe at least keep it together for just 10 minutes?"

"You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot-eatin' shit that has every slid from a human being's hairy ass."

"[in a letter to Thurman] Dear Kid, I hope that you got my present and that there wasn't too much blood on it, although there was blood on the presents you gave me, which didn't keep me from enjoying it, so maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess. Just in case they took it as evidence, I'm also sending you a T-shirt. I hope it's the right size. I'm healing up good and they tell me that I will soon be 100%, even with eight bullets dug out of me cause they didn't hit any vital organs, just my liver, which is fucked anyway. Hahaha. Anyways, I told the cops you had no one to take the fuck care of you so they set it up with Ms. Santa's Sister to watch you 'til your dad gets back in one year and three months. They made her a guardian pro tem, or some such shit. Anyway, she makes better money than bartending and seems to like you, your house, and Jacuzzi. As for my little helper, I'm sorry to tell you that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad. I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit for them like I did. Thank you for giving that letter to the cops, I forgot to ask you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass, and now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass outta jail. That plus everyone agreeing that to Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King. Cops are treating me like fucking royalty now, which is new in my experience. They're gonna make me the sensitivity counselor, so that tragedies like this will never again embarrass the whole fucking department. Whatever. So I'll be staying in Phoenix now, telling the police how screwed up they are, which is not a bad job as jobs go. They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon, so I'll see you when I come over and fuck Ms. Santa's Sister in the jacuzzi. Until then, don't take no shit from nobody, least of all, yourself. Anyway, see you soon. Santa."

"[to Thurman] Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did, or 'Santa's Little Helper' would have plugged his ass. And now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King. Cops are treating me like fucking royalty, which is new in my experience. They're making me a sensitivity counselor so that tragedies like this would never again embarrass the department. Meanwhile, I told the cops that you had no one to take the fuck care of you. So they set it up with Mrs. Santa's sister until your dad gets out in one year and three months. They made her a guardian pro-temp. As for my little helper, I'm sorry to tell you that he and his prune faced, mail order wife are going to be exploring mountains with your dad. I just hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them like I did."

"Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first."

"[while having sex] Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! You ain't gonna shit right for a WEEK!"

"So, he's a schmuck."

"This was some Meet-Cute!"

"Let's get this embarrassment over with."

"Iris, in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are the leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend."

"I like this Hugo Boss, he cuts a nice suit!"

"[as Iris drives him home] I've lived here for 47 years. Back then, there were only six houses on this block. Every year, they tear another one down. Not that I blame them. They weren't that great to begin with. But that's how I got confused. I didn't recognize one house."

"[about the Jaws theme] Two notes... and you've got a villain."

"[plays melody he wrote for Iris] Iris, if you were a melody...I used only the good notes."

"The wind...It's what makes it so warm at this time of the year. Legend has it, when Santa Anas blow, all bets are off, anything can happen."

"It's Christmas Eve and we are going to celebrate being young and being alive."

"Is that a trick question?"

"I have another scenario for you – I'm in love with you. I apologize for the blunt delivery, but as problematic as this fact may be, I'm in love... with YOU. I'm not feeling this because you're leaving, and not because it feels good to feel this way... which, by the way, it does, or did before you went off like that. I can't figure out the mathematics of this, I just know I love you. I can't believe how many times I'm saying it! And I never thought I'd feel this way again, so that's pretty phenomenal. And I realize that I come as a package deal: three for the price of one. I know my package, perhaps in the light of day, isn't all that wonderful, but I finally know what I want and that, in itself, is a miracle. And what I want is YOU."

"Long-distance relationships can work, you know."

"I have the classic male problem of no follow-through. Absolutely never remember to call after a date, but as this wasn't a date, I guess I am off the hook."

"I have a cow and I sew. How's that for "hard to relate to"?"

"I'm Mr. Napkin Head!"

"[after seeing the premiere of her new movie trailer, to Iris' dog Charlie] And that is why they pay me the big bucks."

"You know Graham, I just broke up with someone and considering you just showed up and you're insanely good-looking and probably won't remember me anyway...I'm thinking we should have sex...If you want."