"Earl Cross: All day long, I listen to people give me excuses why they can't work...'My back hurts,' 'my legs ache,' [pauses for a second] 'I'm only four!' The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the better!"

"Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes, you have to SLAP them in the face just to get their attention!"

"Ghost of Christmas Past: [after driving harmlessly through a van] GO BACK TO JERSEY, YA MORON! [laughs]"

"What is this? Trump Tower?"

"Can we look at something else? Oh look. There's a gorilla climbing that building."

"That happened because it's Christmas Eve, I'm telling you! I'm not crazy. It's Christmas Eve! It's, it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we, we, we smile a little easier, we, w-w-we, we, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be! It's a miracle, it's really a sort of a miracle, because it happens every Christmas Eve. And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it. I know what I'm talking about. You have to do something. You have to take a chance. You do have to get involved. There are people that are having, having trouble making their miracle happen. There are people that don't have enough to eat, and there are people that are cold. You can go out and say 'hello' to these people. You can take an old blanket out of the closet and say 'here.' You can make 'em a sandwich, and say 'Oh, by the way, here!' I get it now! And if you, if you give, then you, then it can happen. Then the miracle can happen to you! It's not just the poor and the hungry, it's, it's everybody that's gotta have this miracle! And it can happen tonight for all of you! If you believe in this pure thing, you'll, the miracle will happen and then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow! You won't be one of these bastards who says, 'Christmas is once a year and it's a fraud.' It's not! It can happen every day! You've just got to want that feeling! And if you like it and you want it, you'll get greedy for it! You'll want it every day of your life, and it can happen to you! I believe in it now. I believe it's gonna happen to me now. I'm ready for it! And it's great! It's a good feeling. it's, it's really better than I've felt in a long time. I'm, I'm, I'm ready. Have a Merry Christmas, everybody."

"[confronted by the ghost of his old boss] No, you are a hallucination, brought on by alcohol. Russian Vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl."

"The bitch hit me with a toaster! I love a girl with spirit."

"Because you thought I was cocky, I'm now on a permanent acid trip?"

"Joel McKinnon Miller - Tommy"

"Tom McGowan - Bill"

"Gianni Russo - Nick"

"Kate Walsh - Jeannie"

"Ken Leung - Sam Wong"

"Amber Valletta - Paula"

"Francine York - Lorraine Reynolds"

"Mary Beth Hurt - Adelle"

"Harve Presnell - Ed Reynolds"

"Josef Sommer - Peter Lassiter"

"Saul Rubinek - Alan Mintz"

"Lisa Thornhill - Evelyn Thompson"