"Coming up next on BBC One, the Test Card. That's followed on BBC Three by the Test Card: Extra, looking at what the Test Card does when it's not on television."

"Tomorrow night at 9 here on ITV, Real Lives looks at masochists, and what drives them night after night to watch ITV."

"And we've a real treat tonight for viewers on 4. Yes, it's a programme without the word 'house' in the title!"

"Coming up later this evening on BBC One, lots of loud, irritating, pointless trails for digital radio. Followed by equally loud pointless trails for cBeebies and Restoration, and if there's time we might even throw in a few programmes as well!"

"Coming up next on ITV, go on, guess! Just guess, no clues, nothing. Just guess. Well done! A Touch of Frost."

"Later this evening here on 4, a sensitive and moving documentary exploring the issues surrounding obesity, in When Fat People Explode."

"You're watching BBC Four. Quiet, isn't it?"

"A new documentary series on Wednesday tries to discover the reasons why more and more Brits every year are turning to drink. That's followed at 9 by Fame Academy."

"Later tonight on BBC One, as part of our commitment to pretending we're cultural and worthy, there's groundbreaking history programming, with Looking for Queen Victoria. Followed by History, with Charles II. Followed by Ancient History, with Colosseum."

"Later tonight on The Bill there's a shock in store for the officers at Sun Hill, as a new detective arrives who has never been in another soap."

"You're watching BBC One. What, can't you afford a holiday?"

"Later on ITV1, more members of the general public put their wits against the odds, as they desperately try to work out what time their favourite programme will be moved to next week."

"Later on BBC One, more makeover fun with House Invaders, as we send Anna Ryker-Richardson and Linda Barker to visit Tony Martin's farmhouse."

"This next programme contains images some viewers may find distressing, as we go over live to Edgbaston for England vs. South Africa."

"There's a very special Big Brother 4 reunion this week, as seven of the housemates all apply for the same job at Burger King."

"Saturday night on ITV sees the start of a brand new series, When David Jason attacks club reps with Carol Vorderman, because he's been ripped off by builders from hell! Right, and if you won't watch that, that's it. We give up! Officially. Do it yourselves! Make your own programmes!"

"Later on BBC Two, we'll be showing a selection of programmes from BBC Four, so you can ignore them all over again."

"Later tonight on ITV1, we see the start of a brand new series of How Clean is Your Celebrity Builder from Hell?. Where two mad women clean out Richard Blackwood's pants, while he overcharges for laying a patio."

"You can see the next episode of 24 Pints(in-show spoof version of 24) at the same time next week on BBC Two. Viewers with digital satellite can watch the next episode right now over on BBC Three. And boy, do they bang on about that in the office all week!"

"At 8 o'clock on Saturday, our series celebrating the written word, The Story of the Novel, asks the question of why do young people no longer read books? Followed at 9 by Big Brother."

"Tomorrow night at 7:30 over on ITV1, there sees the start of a brand new series: Pets Rebuild Houses! That's followed at 8:30 by Celebrity Pets Rebuild Houses, where Carol Vorderman's terrapin redesigns Christopher Biggins's gazeebo!"

"Tomorrow at 9, we have a brand new reality TV series starring Chris Evans: When Bailiffs Attack!"

"You're watching BBC Two. Turkey curry? You sure that's a good idea?"

"This festive season on BBC One, we've yet more increasingly desperate Weakest Link themed specials."

"Great news for Muppets fans this festive season. There's a Muppet's Christmas Carol on ITV, A Muppet Treasure Island here on BBC One, and the Muppets Invade Baghdad and Kermit kicks Saddam's Arse on News 24."

"Later this evening on 4 (Channel Four), we have a documentary that takes a sensitive look at the issues surrounding gender reassignment. That's 'Bloody Hell, That Weird Looking Bloke's Wearing a Dress!', tonight at nine."

"Over on BBC One starting in a few minutes, there'll be a chance to see the advert for the BBC's new digital service. But don't worry if you miss it, because it'll be on again half-an-hour after that, and then again, and again and again right throughout the night until it reaches the stage you'll be wanting to rip your own face off and stick it up Steven Berkoff's jacksie!"

"Friday night on BBC One, we'll discover who has won Fame Academy, as the BBC plucks someone from obscurity, and with the help of designers, choreographers and a million-pound prize, throws them straight back into obscurity."

"Starting in a few minutes on ITV, it's the News At Ten with Trevor McDonald. Warning: may contain news."

"Later tonight on BBC Four, we've a change to our scheduled film. In place of Jean Renoir's 1959 French classic Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe, we'll be screening Porky's Five Horny Babes in bikinis. No, we won't really, sorry, but I had to wake you up somehow, didn't I? Time for bed now, see you tomorrow!"

"Starting in a few minutes on ITV2 is Pop Rivals: Extra. Expect to see tears aplenty from those young hopefuls who've had their dreams of becoming a household name crushed... by being chosen to be in the final band."

"And there's a treat in store for Drama lovers now, as this BBC Two trail has been adapted by Andrew Davies. Well, he's written everything else this weekend so he might as well write this too. It'll be just the same as the other trails really, except I'm wearing a frock coat and a top hat. You might notice something a little sexier than usual... Picture of a topless woman flashes on screen"

"Tomorrow night at 9 on ITV1, there'll be someone who used to be in EastEnders, or Soldier Soldier on the hunt for a serial killer. I haven't actually looked at the schedules but it's bound to be there, it usually is."

"Just starting over on BBC One is a brand new programme about the recent New Labour drama, The Project - following the story of a tiny handful of mysterious clandestine people who actually bother to watch it all the way through."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. There's about 100,000 people in my catchment area."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. The whole world's competing to lift my cup."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. The real reason Prince William is delaying the wedding."

"You're watching the Ten O'Clock News with me, Fiona Bruce, and like Britney, I'm also completely shaved."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Don't touch what you can't afford."

"You're watching a NewsWatch election night special, and I've already had my ballot box well and truly stuffed!"

"I've ironed your script, so if you crease it the only reporting you'll be doing is in the Falklands, and that's not very nice! Rhrrrr!"

"I'm Fiona Bruce. I'm off to play with Dom's little wood."

"Hello, I'm Fiona Bruce and welcome to the News at 10. You bloody love it, don't you?"

"David Blunkett has been fiercely criticized for telling David Dimbleby to piss-off during a live radio broadcast. David Dimbleby has been fiercely criticized for not pissing-off!"

"I'm Fiona Bruce; My knickers are made of mistletoe."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Have you been a good boy all year? Then it won't be me coming down your chimney at midnight; I only like bad boys!"

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Gordon Brown visits me privately as well."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. I've kept slaves in the past but I'm not apologizing."

"I'm Fiona Bruce. Guess where I've got my Red Nose!"

"X-Men? They are when I've finished with them."