"When I was travelling, the girls wore big hats and polka-dotted skirts. He (Christopher Eccleston) gets to go around with Billie Piper, a good bit of skirt with a gob large enough to lose a submarine in. Not fair."

"(when asked why he was travelling in a train) Because the TARDIS was destroyed when I took it to Kwikfit!"

"(comes out of toilet) Gaseous sulphides; low concentration; I'd give it twenty minutes."

"You call yourself the train guard when in fact you are really THE MASTER."

"Do you have change for a Gallifrian zonk?"

"Oh, another scarf, well that's just what I need."

"This party's dryer than the dark side of the planet Aurelia. [spikes the eggnog and begins laughing sinisterly before sneaking away]"

"1245, a wonderful year."

"You are Australian, do you know my companion Tegan Jovanka? She had marvelous norks. I once asked her if I gave her five bucks if she would rub them together."

"I travel in space and time ... and on trains"

"(When a voiceover in the London Eye advises people to move to get their photo taken) Don't do it. It's a trap!"

"I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up when I'm Peter Davison. Better yet, wake me up when I'm Sylvester McCoy."

"[Making a prank call to the British Embassy in Berlin] Ah, is this the British Embassy? (Yes.) Ah, good evening. I am calling to warn you of an imminent Dalek invasion. (I see, sir. Can I get your name and address?) The Doctor, 325 Gallifrey Centre! [Hangs up]"

"You are Autons from the planet Tossoss!"

"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure."

"They won't play well. And that's why I have 20 grand on Brazil. (does the Svenny dance)"

"They have gotten second jobs. Wayne Rooney has hired himself out as a gorilla-gram, Theo Walcott is doing his classmate's schoolwork, and Peter Crouch is a dancer for Craftsmart."

"Owen Hargreaves will be unable to afford his first-class ticket to the World Cup, so it might be more good than bad."

"It is very bad news. They now no longer can afford basic necessities like champagne, Aston Martins, or topless maid service."

"I am like a peaceful lake ... filled with concrete"

"Play "Dress up" with David Beckham, "Pin the Metatarsal" on the Rooney, and "Climb a swing" on Peter Crouch"

"Sweden, where I was designed and built"

"And will you hand me back me amazin' COAT OF POW-WER!"

"Today, Chel-sea has won / To win, that is my job / To lose, that is to die / The league, it will be mine / A god, you're lookin' at one / And now the end is near."

"Inside this box is either £35,000 or an enraged snake. Lucy, you've rejected every deal the banker has offered you, you've refused to swap boxes, you're tolerating me standing far, far too close to you. Lucy, keep smiling but above all, keep your face free of corrosive snake venom."

"Twenty-two unemployed people. A quarter of the budget of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, and no questions. No skill, and no idea why I get so worked up about the whole thing."

"You're back. Thought you would be. Let's face it you're watching television at half past four in the afternoon. Not as though you're busy."

"£250,000. 22 identical sealed boxes. A tiny, tiny beard. And no questions, except one. Where the hell do I buy my shirts?"

"(in a 750th anniversary of Today) Thou art listening to 'Today', and just checking Stonehenge I can see that the time is approximately...spring! (laughter) Past seven."

"The time is just coming up to a turn off at the A42 with a Duchy on the left hand side."

"The time is just coming up to...my ankles."

"The time is just an abstract construct and history is an illusion!"

"It's time...James Naughtie got me a cup of tea!"

"It's forty-two billion years since the dawn of time."

"It's coming up to seventeen minutes past twenty four."

"It's coming up to eighteen minutes past eight."

"BBC Radio 4. I'm Brian Perkins... the real Slim Shady."

"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, I'm Brian Perkins, don't **** with me."

"BBC Radio 4. I'm Brian Perkins. Come on, feel the noise."

"I'm Brian Perkins. Harder than a fiendish sudoku on Viagra."

"BBC Radio 4. I'm Lord Lucan!"