568 quotes found
"Is what the customer wants, is what the customer ask for, make it, make it, make it!"
"You have to kill yourself after you eat it because you can't live! To eat good food is to be close to God.""
"I'm a businessman. I'm anything I need to be at any time."
"No. She’s a Philistine. I’m not gonna talk to her. She no understand anyway."
"In love and life, one big night can change everything."
"Minnie Driver - Phyllis"
"Ian Holm - Pascal"
"Isabella Rossellini - Gabriella"
"Tony Shalhoub - Primo"
"Stanley Tucci - Secondo"
"Marc Anthony - Cristiano"
"Caroline Aaron - Woman in Restaurant"
"Allison Janney - Ann"
"Campbell Scott - Bob"
"Susan Floyd - Joan"
"Pasquale Cajano - Alberto N. Pisani"
"Robert W. Castle - Father O'Brien"
"Andre Belgrader - Stash"
"Gene Canfield - Charlie"
"Liev Schreiber - Leo"
"Peter McRobbie - Loan Officer"
"Christine Tucci - Woman Singer"
"Conscience... that stuff can drive you nuts!"
"[to Johnny Friendly] You think you're God Almighty, but you know what you are? You're a cheap, lousy, dirty, stinkin' mug! And I'm glad what I done to you, ya hear that? I'm glad what I done!"
"But Pop, I've seen things that I know are so wrong. Now how can I go back to school and keep my mind on... on things that are just in books, that-that-that aren't people living?"
"[to the dockworkers] Isn't it simple as one, two, three? One, the working conditions are bad. Two, they're bad because the mob does the hiring. And three, the only way we can break the mob is to stop letting them get away with murder."
"There's one thing we've got in this country and that's ways of fightin' back. Gettin' the facts to the public. Testifyin' for what you know is right against what you know is wrong. Now what's ratting to them is telling the truth for you. Now can't you see that? Can't you see that?"
"Some people think the Crucifixion only took place on Calvary. They better wise up! Taking Joey Doyle's life to stop him from testifying is a crucifixion. And dropping a sling on Kayo Dugan because he was ready to spill his guts tomorrow, that's a crucifixion. And every time the Mob puts the pressure on a good man, tries to stop him from doing his duty as a citizen, it's a crucifixion. And anybody who sits around and lets it happen, keeps silent about something he knows that happened, shares the guilt of it just as much as the Roman soldier who pierced the flesh of our Lord to see if he was dead...Boys, this is my church! And if you don't think Christ is down here on the waterfront, you've got another guess coming!"
"Every morning when the hiring boss blows his whistle, Jesus stands alongside you in the shape-up. He sees why some of you get picked and some of you get passed over. He sees the family men worrying about getting the rent and getting food in the house for the wife and the kids. He sees you selling your souls to the mob for a day's pay...And what does Christ think of the easy-money boys who do none of the work and take all of the gravy? And how does he feel about the fellows who wear hundred-and-fifty dollar suits and diamond rings, on your union dues and your kickback money? And how does He, who spoke up without fear against every evil, feel about your silence? You want to know what's wrong with our waterfront? It's the love of a lousy buck. It's making the love of the lousy buck - the cushy job - more important than the love of man! It's forgettin' that every fellow down here is your brother in Christ! But remember, Christ is always with you - Christ is in the shape up. He's in the hatch. He's in the union hall. He's kneeling right here beside Dugan. And He's saying with all of you, if you do it to the least of mine, you do it to me! And what they did to Joey, and what they did to Dugan, they're doing to you. And you. You. ALL OF YOU. And only you, only you with God's help, have the power to knock 'em out for good."
"[to Terry] You'd better get rid of that gun, unless you haven't got the guts. And if you don't, you'd better hang on to it!"
"Marlon Brando - Terry Malloy"
"Eva Marie Saint - Edie Doyle"
"Karl Malden - Father Barry"
"Lee J. Cobb - Michael J. Skelly aka "Big" John "Johnny" Friendly"
"Rod Steiger - Charley "The Gent" Malloy"
"Pat Henning - Timothy J. "Kayo" Dugan"
"Ben Wager - Joey Doyle"
"Fred Gwynne - Slim (uncredited)"
"Martin Balsam - Gillette (uncredited)"
"Pat Hingle - Bartender (uncredited)"
"You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for whatever reason, and she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls floating around. And there was, like, snot running down my nose, right? And she gave me her sleeve - and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself: Wow. This is love...this is love."
"This is my life, Dad. This is it. I've spent 26 years waiting for something else to start. So, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all there is. You and I are gonna be okay. You know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are, and that will be better, okay? I think that will be better."
"[To Sam] I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it."
"It's amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter inch piece of plastic."
"My mom just died. God, it's weird to say it out loud. But, my mom just died."
"You changed my life. You changed my life, and I've known you four days. This is the beginning of something really big, but right now, I gotta go."
"We're not playing "Spin the Bottle." How old are we? More importantly, how old are they?"
"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore…all of a sudden even though you have some place to put your shit, that idea of home is gone…or maybe it's like this rite of passage…you will never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, for your kids, for the family you start. It’s like a cycle or something. Maybe that’s all family really is: a group of people that miss the same imaginary place."
"You gotta hear this one song. It'll change your life, I swear."
"What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh. And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."
"This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before, and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing."
"What's the word that's burning in your heart?"
"If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like."
"Wow! I cannot believe you're not really retarded!"
"My mom always says that, when she can see I'm, like, working something out in my head. She's like, "You're in it right now" and I'm looking at you telling this story, and you're definitely in it."
"OK, so, sometimes I lie. I mean I'm weird, man, about random stuff too. I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tic. I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, "Wow, that wasn't even remotely true"."
"I have three Dobermans, and if I didn't kick them in the balls on a regular basis, I'd never get anything done."
"My hair's blowin' in the wind."
"Sidecars are for bitches."
"The only thing worse than a favor is a favor involving money."
"Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole."
"I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better."
"Come on, please. If I was going to get you coke we would've gone to the fucking high school football practice. We would've been rolling five hours ago."
"Hey, if you ever need a Kato, you know where to find me."
"Mark's Mom: Oh, guys, don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector. It was beeping all night."
"Dr. Cohen: You know, our bodies are capable of doing some very funny things when they're consumed by stress and anxiety. I found my ex-best friend's cufflinks in my wife's purse. I couldn't get an erection for a year and a half...for example."
"Kenny: Your mom just died! ..... I mean, that's why you're home."
"Zach Braff - Andrew Largeman"
"Natalie Portman - Sam"
"Peter Sarsgaard - Mark"
"Ian Holm - Gideon Largeman"
"Michael Weston - Kenny"
"Jean Smart - Carol"
"Jim Parsons - Tim"
"Ron Liebman - Dr. Cohen"
"Denis O'Hare - Albert"
"This isn't a two-for-a-nickel shooting. Two professional killers show up in a small town and put the blast on a filling station attendant. A nobody. There was no attempted robbery. They were out for only one thing. To kill him. Why?"
"[to Dum Dum] You don't know what the Swede did with the money or you wouldn't be here tearing his room to pieces. But maybe you do know things that put together with the things I know will tell me where the money is."
"[to Dum Dum, about Kitty] I think she knows where the money is...The Swede and some girl checked into an Atlantic City hotel the night of the holdup. Two days later, the girl took a powder. I've got an idea the dough went with her."
"It was Kitty Collins and not the Swede that reaped the golden harvest...When the gang met to divvy up after the robbery, the Swede pulled a fast one and walked off with the whole take...That same night, he and Kitty were together in Atlantic City. She walked out on him a couple of days later. The money disappeared when she did."
"[to Kitty] As soon as you could break away, you left him flat. I'd like to have known the old Kitty Collins. You were in the clear because no one knew you'd been with the Swede. You had nothing to fear from anyone. Too bad it had to catch up with you now."
"[to Colfax] He (Dum Dum) said Kitty brought him word at midnight about the changed meeting place. The half-way house didn't burn down 'till nearly three in the morning. That meant Kitty had a partner. And who could it be but you."
"You're through...That hand will never be good again - not for fighting...It's a lucky thing. You aren't punchy yet. Now suppose it was your brains were scrambled instead of your hand."
"She was always in love with him...and I was always in love with her. It worked out fine for me, anyway."
"For nearly two years, we weren't never more than eight and a half feet apart. That's how big the cell was."
"You see that bright star in the center...brightest star in all the heavens. Only it's so far away, it don't seem like it."
"A girl don't write. That don't mean she's sick like you might think. Not necessarily."
"If it's as big as you claim, it's not gonna be any easy pickings. Nothin' that big ever is."
"Stop listening to those golden harps, Swede. They can land you into a lot of trouble."
"If that guy don't call by 10:30, we better get started anyway. Yeah, each one steal his own heap [car]...I never was in a hat factory before... Gimme two cards. I'll take three. If this rain keeps us, they'll be mud up to the axles on them hick roads. How many miles of dirt road is it to the half-way house? I don't like anything about capers in the rain. Rain always gives me the creeps. I hate rain."
"Step on it, can't you get any more out of it than this? Looks like a good clean getaway. That's too bad you had to shoot that guy at the gate...Did it look like 200 G's to you? Most money I ever saw at once. Wonder if the others are plannin' the same luck we are. They should be - they got away before we did. I guess the Swede made it all right. I seen him running for his heap and nobody was between him and it. Sure, he got away. Keep your eyes peeled for Polk Road. It's a left turn there, yeah. A left on Polk Road. We oughta be there in another five minutes. Hello, farmer."
"The job comes first. But afterwards, we'll have business together."
"If there's one thing I hate, it's a double-crossing dame...the Swede never had a chance, did he? Any one of the gang that ran onto him would have been sure to knock him off. You might say Kitty Collins signed his death warrant."
"If you do run onto her, let me know, will ya? After you're through with her, I'd like to have a word or two with Kitty myself. We got some unfinished business."
"I hadn't seen him for a long time, but the minute I laid eyes on him, I knew. He was always looking at me. And it doesn't sound like very much, but he always carried a handkerchief I'd given him...I hated my life, only I wasn't strong enough to get away from it. All I could do was dream of some big payoff that would let me quit the whole racket. The Swede was my chance to make my dream come true. If I could only be alone with him for a few hours. But Colfax was always there. I thought it was hopeless. Then suddenly, my chance came."
"Colfax sent me to tell the others what had happened and that they would meet at the farmer's instead. I went to Blinky Franklin first, and then to Dum Dum. I saved the Swede 'till last. It was nearly two in the morning when I got there."
"Swede Andersen: Nobody can cheat me and get away with it."
"Nick Adams: He wasn't a bad sort of fella...easy enough to get along with."
"Lilly: Right then, I knew the boat had sailed and poor Ole had fallen in love with dynamite."
"Every kiss carved his name on another bullet."
"TENSE! TAUT! TERRFIFIC! told the untamed Hemingway way!"
"Burt Lancaster - 'Swede' Andersen"
"Ava Gardner - Kitty Collins"
"Edmond O'Brien - Jim Reardon"
"Albert Dekker - Big Jim Colfax"
"Sam Levene - Lt. Sam Lubinsky"
"Vince Barnett - Charleston"
"Virginia Christine - Lilly Harmon Lubinsky"
"Jack Lambert - 'Dum Dum' Clarke"
"Donald MacBride - R.S. Kenyon"
"Charles McGraw - Al"
"William Conrad - Max"
"Phil Brown - Nick Adams"
"Jeff Corey - 'Blinky' Franklin"
"I'm not even supposed to be here today."
"Hey, try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot!"
"Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean, that's what high school was about: algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity."
"Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since I rule."
"I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny."
"Everybody who comes in here is way too uptight. This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers."
"Shit, my mom's been fucking a dead guy for 30 years. I call him Dad."
"Bunch of savages in this town."
"Jay: I feel good today, Silent Bob. We're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, we're gonna get some pussy, and I'm gonna fuck this bitch, I'll fuck this bitch, I'll fuck anything that moves! [to a man passing by on a bicycle] Yo, what the fuck you lookin' at? I'll kick your fuckin' ass! Shit yeah. [to Silent Bob] Doesn't that motherfucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin' tonight, we're gonna rip off this fucker's head, and tear out his fuckin' soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something, I'm gonna shit in the motherfucker's bag. [to two women in a passing car] Hey, what's up babes? What's up, sluts?"
"Female Customer: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination."
"Just because they serve you doesn't mean they like you."
"A very funny look at the over-the-counter culture."
"This Job Sucks"
"It Delivers."
"Brian O'Halloran — Dante Hicks"
"Jeff Anderson — Randal Graves"
"Marilyn Ghigliotti — Veronica Loughran"
"Lisa Spoonhauer — Caitlin Bree"
"Jason Mewes — Jay"
"Kevin Smith — Silent Bob"
"One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! And I said to him, "Jesus, Walt, what are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck in your ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy."
"You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit? I mean, half the time I'm just talkin’ out of my ass, or stickin’ my hand in it."
"[about the break-up letter from Rene] Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for."
"[To Willam, still staring at the 3D art] I'll tell you what you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!"
"[after hitting LaFours over the head with a baseball bat] Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"[Explaining the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob] Phase One: First, you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when Phase Two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the fucking pin and - bickety bam! - the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show."
"[Explaining the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob] Okay, Lunch Box, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there! And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogans."
"[referencing Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. We're gonna have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself. Sorry, bro."
"They're not there to shop. - They're not there to work. - They're just there."
"Get Malled"
"It's mall or nothing"
"Superhero Anatomy! Topless Fortune Telling! Bunny Bashing! And More!"
"Shannen Doherty - Rene Mosier"
"Jeremy London - T.S. Quint"
"Jason Lee - Brodie Bruce"
"Claire Forlani - Brandi Svenning"
"Ben Affleck - Shannon Hamilton"
"Joey Lauren Adams - Gwen Turner"
"Renée Humphrey - Tricia Jones"
"Jason Mewes - Jay"
"Kevin Smith - Silent Bob"
"Ethan Suplee - Willam Black"
"Stan Lee - Himself"
"Priscilla Barnes - Miss Ivannah"
"Michael Rooker - Mr. Jared Svenning"
"Hate put me in prison. Love's gonna bust me out."
"25 cent? Must not be much of a book."
"Denzel Washington — Rubin "Hurricane" Carter"
"Vicellous Reon Shannon — Lesra Martin"
"Deborah Kara Unger — Lisa Peters"
"Liev Schreiber — Sam Chaiton"
"John Hannah — Terry Swinton"
"Dan Hedaya — Det. Sgt. Della Pesca Paterson"
"Debbi Morgan — Mae Thelma Carter"
"This is all going to end badly."
"All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'."
"I feel a hate crime coming on."
"[to Alyssa] Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?"
"Archie is not fucking Mr. Weatherbee!"
"What difference does it make if I refer to her as a dyke? Or if I call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the comfort of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world?"
"I'm going to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Archie is all about pussy!"
"I'm telling you that chick is probably a bigger germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak!"
"Catholic school girls. The uniform's what does it for me. I wish I had've went with more Catholic school girls when I was a kid. As it stands I have no, "And then she unzipped her jumper," stories."
"It's not who you love, it's how."
"If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened."
"Look, man, we miss this [train], and I am gonna shitcan you and just hire Charles Schulz."
"I love you…I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But—I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't—I can't look into your eyes without feeling that—that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.And I know, this will probably queer our friendship—no pun intended—but I had to say it, 'cause I've never felt this way before, and I-I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But, God, I just—I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there's a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something, too. And all I ask, please, is that you just—you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which—while I do appreciate it—I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of."
"[on the phone with Holden after she paged him] One minute and five seconds; you are such my bitch."
"Since most of these people are cheering for the home team, I'm going to root for the visitors. I'm a big visitors fan. Especially the kind that make coffee in the morning before they leave!"
"I love you, I always will. Know that. [slaps Holden] But I'm not your fucking whore."
"[pointing at Holden] See that man over there? He the Devil! Never take your eye off the man."
"Honey, don't give me that "all for one" shit. I got to deal with being a minority in a minority of a minority, ain't nobody supportin' my ass."
"All the boys need to feel like they're Marco Fucking Polo when it comes to sex."
"Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That's why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat…he was the king of queen Archie's world."
"You gotta boil it down to the essentials. It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money.""
"[to Holden] Bitch tasted life, yo, now she's settlin' for your boring, funny-book-makin' ass."
"Sex is easy. Love is hard."
"Finally, a comedy that tells it like it feels."
"Ben Affleck - Holden McNeil"
"Joey Lauren Adams - Alyssa Jones"
"Jason Lee - Banky Edwards"
"Dwight Ewell - Hooper X"
"Casey Affleck - Little Kid"
"Guinevere Turner - Singer"
"Carmen Lee - Kim"
"Brian O'Halloran - Jim Hicks - Executive #1"
"Matt Damon - Shawn Oran - Executive #2"
"Ethan Suplee - Fan"
"Scott Mosier - Collector"
"This is an institution of learning, ladies and gentlemen. If you can't control it, how can you teach? Discipline is not the enemy of enthusiasm!"
"The Lord said, "Do whatever you have to do." And he didn't say "Joe, be polite.""
"All right people, here we are. This is the day. In one hour, you are going to take an exam, one administered by the state to test your basic skills, along with the quality of education here at Eastside High. And I want to tell you what the people out there are saying about you and what they think about your chances. They say that you're inferior! That you are just a bunch of niggers and spics and poor white trash! Education is wasted on you! You cannot learn! You're lost! I mean all of you! I want all the white students to stand up. All my white students. Stand up. Right now. Stand up. C'mon, all my white students, stand up, stand up. That's it. C'mon, stand up...These are my white children, and they're the same as all of you! They've got no place to go. If they had, they would have abandoned us a long time ago like everybody else did. But they couldn't. So here they are at Eastside High, just like the rest of us. You can sit down. Are you getting my point, people? Is it beginning to sink in? We sink, we swim, we rise, we fall. We meet our fate together! Now, it took the help of a good, good friend to make me know and understand that. And I do understand it. And I'm grateful. I'm eternally grateful...And now, I've got a message for those people out there who've abandoned you and written you off! Can you hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME? Good!...You are not inferior! Your grades may be. Your school may have been. But you can turn all of that around and make liars out of those bastards in exactly one hour, when you take that test and pass it and win! So here's what I want you to do: When you find your minds wandering, I want you to knuckle back down and concentrate. Concentrate! Remember what's at stake. And show them what Eastside High is all about, a spirit that will not die!"
"[with a baseball bat in his hand] They used to call me Crazy Joe. Well, now they can call me Batman!"
"I don't have to do nothin' but stay black and die!"
"[after refusing admittance to the Fire Chief] You know what he's saying right now? "Black bastard can't throw me out!" You know where he's saying it? Out in the parking lot."
"[at an assembly] I want all of you to take a good look at these people on the risers behind me. These people have been here up to five years, and done absolutely nothing. These are drug dealers and drug users. They have taken up space. They have disrupted this school. They have harassed your teachers. And they have intimidated you. Well, times are about to change. You will not be bothered in Joe Clark's school. These people are incorrigible. And since none of them could graduate anyway... [to those onstage] ...you are all expurgated. You are dismissed! You are out of here, forever. I wish you well! Mr. Wright... [after Security Dean William Wright and Eastside's new guards eject all the "problem" kids from school, Clark's audience in the decaying auditorium grows silent] Next time, it may be you. If you do no better than they did, next time, it will be you. They said this school was dead, like the cemetery it's built on. But we call our Eastside teams "Ghosts", don't we? And what are ghosts? Ghosts are spirits that rise from the dead. I want you to be my ghosts. You are going to lead our resurrection, by defying the expectation that all of us are doomed to failure. My motto is simple: If you do not succeed in life, I don't want you to blame your parents. I don't want you to blame the white man. I want you to blame yourselves. The responsibility is yours! In two weeks we have a practice exam, and the Minimum Basic Skills Test on April 13. That's 110 school days from now. But it's not just about those test scores. If you do not have these basic skills, you will find yourselves locked out. Locked out of that American dream that you see advertised on TV, that they tell you is so easy to get. You are here for one reason. One reason only: To learn. To work for what you want. The alternative is to waste your time and to fall into the trap of crime, drugs, and death. Does everyone understand that? Do all of you understand me? Then welcome to the new Eastside High."
"[after asking teachers to put up their hands] Because you are failing to educate them, this is the posture that many of our students will wind up in. Only they'll be staring down the barrel of a gun!"
"Mr. Mayor, on behalf of myself and on behalf the students of Eastside High, you can tell the State to go to Hell!"
"[to the Eastside students who have gathered outside City Hall to demonstrate on his behalf] Wow... Somebody tell me why I can't get this kind of turnout for study hall!"
"Hey, son...! [removing Sams' baseball cap] Put something in your head, not on it!"
"[to Kid Ray, who is leaving school to work for a crime syndicate] You'll be dead in a year, son. Hear what I'm saying? You'll be dead in a year!"
"[explaining why he expelled students from his school] They say one bad apple spoils a bunch. Well what about three hundred? Rotten to the core!"
"[after bringing down a drug dealer] Get this disgrace to his race out of here!"
"[at lunch, in the cafeteria, Clark has singled out Sams] I want all of you to look at this slovenly, sloppy boy here as an example of how not to dress. Now if you look like this when you look in your mirrors in the morning, find something else to put on. Self-respect permeates every aspect of your life. If you don't have it for yourself, you're not gonna get it from anywhere."
"Code 10! Code 10! This is Joe Clark! Get those chains off the doors, the enemy's here!"
"[to Joe] All your shit comes down on me. It's like you're a big bird with radar. And I'm tired of getting hit!"
"The truth is that for all your talking, all your 'Crazy Joe' routine, what have you ever done? Nothing. You're nothing but an insignificant man. It's like you were never born. Your life hasn't made one bit of difference, and neither has mine! Wanna take that to the grave?"
"Boys in Bathroom: [singing] Fair Eastside, By thy sign, we'll stand, and always, praise thy name. (Praise Thy Name, Praise Thy Naaaaaame) To heaven, yea Lend our hearts, and hands, to help increase thy fame. Ooh Lord, thee honor, yea Of all Eastside High, cross forth our loyalty Loyalty, loyalty."
"A true story about a real hero."
"Eastside High was a training ground for jail. Then Joe Clark took over. Now the kids are getting something they never had. A future."
"At Eastside High, they called him "Crazy Joe" for padlocking the doors, and for changing all the rules. But Principal Joe Clark was crazy about one thing only - the students who loved him."
"Eastside High never had a principal this tough - or one who cared this much about its students."
"Morgan Freeman – as Joe Clark"
"Beverly Todd – Mrs. Joan Levias"
"Alan North – as Mayor Don Bottman"
"Robert Guillaume – as Dr. Frank Napier"
"Ethan Phillips – as Mr. Rosenberg"
"Lynne Thigpen – Leonna Barrett"
"Robin Bartlett - Mrs. Elliott"
"Michael Beach – Mr. Larry Darnell"
"Sandra Reaves-Phillips – Mrs. Powers"
"Tony Todd – William Wright, Dean of Security"
"Sloane Shelton – Mrs. Hamilton"
"Jermaine 'Huggy' Hopkins – Thomas Sams"
"Karen Malina White – Kaneesha Carter"
"Karina Arroyave – Maria"
"Alex Romaguera - Kid Ray"
"Jose R. Severino - John Jones"
"Michael P. Moran - Mr. Ed O'Malley"
"Ivonne Coll – Mrs. Santos"
"Regina Taylor – Mrs. Carter"
"Jim Moody – Mr. Lott"
"Linda M. Salgado – Linda"
"Mike Starr – Mr. Zirella"
"Reverend Herschell Slappy – Himself"
"Cole Dragone - Boss"
"Michael Imperioli - George"
"I'm not lost. Somebody just moved my street."
"Violet, I saw how hard it was on your mom when she didn't make it, but if she was here she'd tell me to shut up, wish you luck and give you a big hug. I'm not going to give you a big hug and I'm not going to wish you luck, but I am going to shut up, sit here with my coffee and pretend to be mad. Is that okay?"
"No, it's not okay. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. You're not going back to work for Pete. I don't care what it takes. I don't care how many bars you have to stand on. You are not coming home. I'm not letting you back in the house. Forget it."
"Hey, do I come to your office and honk?"
"Okay, everybody, shut up! I'd like you to meet my new girl, whose name is... Jersey! Jersey, is an ex kindergarten teacher, and a former nun, who just escaped from the convent, and is tired of being the only virgin in New York City! Would anyone like to buy her a drink?"
"Is this a church meeting or is this a bar? Make some noise!"
"Piper Perabo - Violet Sandford"
"Adam Garcia - Kevin O'Donnell"
"John Goodman - Bill Sandford"
"Maria Bello - Liliana "Lil" Lovell"
"Izabella Miko - Cammie"
"Tyra Banks - Zoe"
"Bridget Moynahan - Rachel"
"Melanie Lynskey - Gloria"
"LeAnn Rimes - Herself"
"One semester we took Criminology, for Christ's sake! Criminology! Who the fuck were we studying to be; Batman?"
"So that's the way you see all this time we've spent together? That's weird, man. I thought you were the only guy in the world who got me and had my back, the only person who'd take a bullet for me, 'cause I assumed you felt the same way about me the same way I feel about you. Then all of the sudden one day you're like, "I'm movin'. Bye." Do you know what that's been like for me? I'm lookin' at a future that just sucks cause you aren't gonna be in it anymore. And you're not even throwin' me over for a life that means something to you. It's just a stupid, hollow existence you think you should embrace because you're getting old or something, because it's the life everyone else goes after. You're a fucking drone, dude."
"Man, you must love this fucking guy, 'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. "I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me." And the fucking insane part is, he ain't even crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about and even Anne-fucking-Frank can see that she's nuts about him—God knows why. And she likes you for who you are, man. She ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous fucking C.H.U.D. of a kid. Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd fucking stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you fucking ass."
"What's the point of having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?"
"All right look, there's only one "Return", okạy, and it ain't of the King. It's of the Jedi."
"You're my best friend and I love you, in a totally heterosexual way. Please don't leave me."
"Who would be friends with me? I hate everyone and everything seems stupid to me."
"You never go ass to mouth!"
"What'd you do that for?! You realise he just thinks you're trying to get him into a three-way with us now, don't you?"
"You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places sellin' weed 'n shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals 'n shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah... I'd be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form... and fuck it. And people'd be, like, "There he goes; homeboy fucked a Martian once.""
"[from an alternate introduction to the characters] Ooh, I fucking hate sobriety, tubby! Everything's so crisp and loud now, and boring. It's boring, son! It's boring! Well, you could do more to help that, you know. This whole 'not talking' shit's getting old. It didn't matter when I was high, 'cause I'd just imagine you were talking in my head, like The Shining and shit, son. Like The Shining and shit. 'Jay's not here right now, Missus Torrance. Silent Bob's the man who lives inside my mouth'...eww, you fucking faggot, I bet you'd love to live in my mouth." [Silent Bob rolls his eyes] "Well, you had your chance. Back when I was high, you might have had a chance to slip your chubby little cock in me without me noticing, but that shit's NEVER gonna happen now that I'm all dry and shit...like your mom's puss. [pause] That is, unless you got a joint? [Silent Bob shoots him a look of shock and surprise] Ooh! Ooh, Motherfucker! You're SO fucking lucky! See, I was just testing you. You're lucky you passed, or I'd have to get rid of you as my sponsor. And then you'd cry like a little BITCH!"
"[Hanging out with Bob] I'm fucking bored, man."
"[To camera, ạpplyịṇg w:Lịp Bạlm] Would you fuckme, I'd fuck me."
"That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey."
"What's sexier than an elf princess's sword?"
"I hope that donkey doesn't have a hiney troll."
"At Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!"
"I'm telling you this only because I'm your friend... Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth."
"[After walking in on Kelly's donkey show, becoming completely transfixed on the show] I'm disgusted, I'm repulsed... and I can't look away."
"Brian O'Halloran - Dante"
"Jeff Anderson - Randal"
"Rosario Dawson - Becky"
"Trevor Fehrman - Elias"
"Jennifer Schwalbach Smith - Emma"
"Jason Lee - Lance Dowds"
"I am Robocop. Anything you say can and will be held against you...in the court of Robocop."
"I will shoot you, and I know robot karate."
"That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard! That's totally non-sequitary!"
"I'm not saying your uncle is illiterate, maybe he just needs to go to night school."
"[while shooting "Driving Miss. Daisy", Alma chases the car with the camera] Who is that hussy chasing after us? Be gone, hussy."
"I was going to make you into the next Marilyn Monroe! But no! Now you're just going to be.... Laundry girl!"
"Hey, hey, don't put your shoes in the refrigerator... 'cause they'll get cold!"
"What's happening to our 'hood!!"
"[holding the Ghostbusters tape] I'm Bill Murray, you're everybody else."
"You name it, we shoot it"
"Sometimes the best movies are the ones we make up"
"Jack Black - Jerry McLean"
"Mos Def - Mike Coolwell"
"Danny Glover - Mr. Fletcher"
"Mia Farrow - Miss Falewicz"
"Melonie Diaz - Alma Sykes"
"Arjay Smith - Manny"
"Quinton Aaron - Q"
"Chandler Parker - Craig"
"P.J Byrne - Mr. Baker"
"Matt Walsh - Officer Julian"
"Paul Dinello - Mr. Rooney"
"Sigourney Weaver - Ms. Lawson"
"Marcus Carl Franklin - Kid #1"
"Booker T. Jones - Fats Waller's fan in train (uncredited)"
"Steve Cropper - Fats Waller's fan in train (uncredited)"
"Because you thought I was cocky, I'm now on a permanent acid trip?"
"I just want my life back, okay? Now what's it gonna take? You wanna talk turkey? Let's talk turkey! HOW MUCH MONEY?"
"When you got on that plane, I was sure it was over. I left the airport afraid I'd never see you again. And then you showed up the very next day. That was a good surprise. You know, I think about the decision you made... maybe I was being naive, but I believed that we would grow old together in this house. That we'd spend holidays here and have our grandchildren come visit us here. I had this image of us, all grey and wrinkly, and me working in the garden and you re-painting the deck. But things change. If you need this, Jack, if you really need this, I will take these kids from a life they love and I'll take myself from the only home we've ever shared together and I'll move wherever you need to go. I'll do that because I love you. I love you, and that's more important to me than our address. I choose us."
"Peter Lassiter: Old flames are like old tax returns... put 'em in the file cabinet for three years, then you cut 'em loose."
"Nicolas Cage - Jack Campbell"
"Téa Leoni - Kate Reynolds / Kate Campbell"
"Don Cheadle - Cash"
"Makenzie Vega - Annie Campbell"
"Jake and Ryan Milkovich - Josh Campbell"
"Jeremy Piven - Arnie"
"Lisa Thornhill - Evelyn Thompson"
"Saul Rubinek - Alan Mintz"
"Josef Sommer - Peter Lassiter"
"Harve Presnell - Ed Reynolds"
"Mary Beth Hurt - Adelle"
"Francine York - Lorraine Reynolds"
"Amber Valletta - Paula"
"Ken Leung - Sam Wong"
"Kate Walsh - Jeannie"
"Gianni Russo - Nick"
"Tom McGowan - Bill"
"Joel McKinnon Miller - Tommy"
"[talking to himself] What are you trained to do? Nothing."
"[from trailer] Nobody knows this mall better than I do."
"[from trailer] Safety never takes a holiday."
"[after showing a Loch Ness Monster tattoo on his lower back that he got while drunk] It's the . I don't drink."
"[headbutts criminal, groans] Nobody wins with a headbutt."
"[to a villain] Hey you, Scuba-dooby-doo! [sends a scuba tank into a villain, knocking him out]"
"[sees Paul hanging by a rope, being pulled up into the air ducts] I wish I had a bat. I would burst you open, see how much much candy fell out."
"Y'know, my mother always said: "If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself." I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here."
"Peanut Blart and jelly! What, what, what's up, man?"
"Alright, you have all completed the written exam. However, you must now pass the obstacle course to be admitted into the training program. And remember, survive this and you're on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe."
"Ben Affleck - Oliver "Ollie" Trinké"
"Liv Tyler - Maya"
"Raquel Castro - Gertie Trinké"
"George Carlin - Bart Trinké"
"Jennifer Lopez - Gertude Steiney"
"Stephen Root - Greenie"
"Mike Starr - Block"
"Jason Biggs - Arthur Brickman"
"Will Smith - Himself (uncredited)"
"Jason Lee - PR Exec. 1"
"Matt Damon - PR Exec. 2"
"Paulie Litt - Bryan (as Paulie Litowsky)"
"Harley Quinn Smith - Trace Colelli (uncredited)"
"No person with inner dignity is ever embarrassed."
"Clifton Webb - Frank Bunker Gilbreth"
"Jeanne Crain - Ann Gilbreth"
"Myrna Loy - Mrs. Lillian Gilbreth"
"Betty Lynn - Deborah Lancaster"
"Edgar Buchanan - Dr. Burton"
"Barbara Bates - Ernestine Gilbreth"
"Mildred Natwick - Mrs. Mebane"
"Sara Allgood - Mrs. Monahan"
"Jimmy Hunt - William Gilbreth"
"Carol Nugent - Lillie Gilbreth"
"Norman Ollestad - Frank Gilbreth Jr."
"Evelyn Varden - School Principal"
"Craig Hill - Tom"
"I just want to tell you, I'm the one who was supposed to take care of everything. I'm the one who was supposed to make everything okay for everybody. It just didn't work out like that. And I left. I left you. You never did anything wrong. I used to try to forget about you. I used to try to pretend that you didn't exist, but I can't. You're my girl. You're my little girl. And now, I'm an old broken down piece of meat... and I'm alone. And I deserve to be all alone. I just don't want you to hate me."
"The only place I get hurt is out there. [points away from the ring] The world don't give a shit about me."
"I just wanna say to you all tonight, I'm very grateful to be here. A lot of people told me that I'd never wrestle again. And that's all I do. You know, if you live hard and you play hard, and you burn the candle at both ends, you pay the price for it. You know, in this life you can lose everything that you love, everything that loves you. Now, I don't hear as good as I used to, and I forget stuff, and I ain't as pretty as I used to be. But god-damn it, I'm still standing here and I'm The Ram. [applause] As time goes by, as time goes by, they say: 'He's washed up. He's finished. He's a loser. He's all through.' But you know what? The only ones who are gonna tell me when I'm through doing my thing is you people here! [applause] You people here, you people here are the ones who are worth bringing it for, because you're my family. I love all of you. Thank you so much."
"[describing the deli counter] It's an endless parade of horny housewives begging for your man meat."
"Mickey Rourke - Robin Ramzinski/Randy "The Ram" Robinson"
"Marisa Tomei - Pam/Cassidy"
"Evan Rachel Wood - Stephanie"
"Todd Barry - Wayne"
"Mark Margolis - Lenny"
"Judah Friedlander - Scott Brumberg"
"Ernest Miller - Bob/"The Ayatollah""
"Ron Killings - Ron "The Truth" Killings"
"Dylan Summers - Necro Butcher"
"So that's why she went with Dusty. She wants a sensitive guy... more like the old me. Well, if she wants Mr. Rogers, then I'm going to show her the biggest pussy she's ever seen."
"[singing and playing guitar] Forgiveness, is more than saying sorry. To forgive is divine. So let's have a glass of wine. And have make-up sex until the end of time, time, time, time, timmmmmmeee! Time."
"[to Chris] You and I are gonna be the greatest musical manager team since Jessica Simpson and her father only you and I get to "mreow" and they can't, 'cause it's illegal. I looked it up."
"Wait a minute, am I being Punk'D? Oh my god! Ashton, you really got me! Ha Ha! Ashton! Ashton?"
"Raise your hand if your brother's a homo!"
"You’ll always be fat to me, Chris!"
"I mean, listen, I know it might sound a little corny, maybe even a little femme, but I find something so resplendent in the simplicity of Nicholas Sparks' writing, you know what I mean? [Looks at Chris's completely feminine Christmas sweater] Nice outfit, by the way. Rock and roll."
"Mr. Palamino: How did you lose all that weight? Like that retard from Subway?"
"Clark: [about Chris and Jamie] Are you guys on the same menstrual cycle yet, or what?"
"Some friends are just friends. Others you get to see naked."
"Moments like this have been ruining friendships for centuries."
"Two Words A Guy Never Wants To Hear"
"He loves her. She loves him not."
"Ryan Reynolds - Chris Brander"
"Anna Faris - Samantha James"
"Amy Smart - Jamie Palamino"
"Chris Klein - Dusty Lee Dinkleman"
"Christopher Marquette - Mike Brander"
"Julie Hagerty - Carol Brander"
"Stephen Root - KC"
"Fred Ewanuick - Clark"
"Amy Matysio - Darla"
"Barry Flatman - Mr. Palamino"
"Maria Arcé - Athena"
"Ty Olsson - Tim"
"Todd Lewis - Kyle"
"Ashley Scott - Janice"
"Trenna Keating - Nancy"
"JJ Elliott - Movie Goer"
"Tina Cerato - Movie Goer"
"I just met a wonderful new man. He's fictional but you can't have everything."
"It's so impulsive, but... I'll come. Why not? What's life without a little risk taking? Who knows?"
"I don't get hurt or bleed, hair doesn't muss; it's one of the advantages of being imaginary."
"Life's too short to spend time thinking about life. Let's just live it!"
"Moviegoer: I want what happened in the movie last week to happen this week; otherwise, what's life all about anyway?"
"Mia Farrow - Cecilia"
"Jeff Daniels - Tom Baxter/Gil Shepherd"
"Danny Aiello - Monk"
"Edward Herrmann - Henry"
"John Wood - Jason"
"Deborah Rush - Rita"
"Zoe Caldwell - The Countess"
"Van Johnson - Larry Wilde"
"Karen Akers - Kitty Haynes"
"Milo O'Shea - Father Donnelly"
"Dianne Wiest - Emma"
"She was the Picasso of passive-aggressive karate."
"I felt like we had a secret, just the two of us. Like that thing where you just wanna be with one person all the time. You feel like the two of you get something no one else gets."
"You're nothing to me until you're everything."
"The car is a total wreck, and I'm a little stiff. But I don't want to talk about it."
"We fight and then we fuck, that's our thing."
"That's why I sent them [Mafia Henchmen] over there, because I know they were gonna knock some sense into you, and you were going to come up with a plan to get us out of all this. So thank God for me."
"Christian Bale - Irving Rosenfeld"
"Bradley Cooper - FBI Agent Richard "Richie" DiMaso"
"Amy Adams - Sydney Prosser/Lady Edith Greensly"
"Jeremy Renner - Mayor Carmine Polito"
"Jennifer Lawrence - Rosalyn Rosenfeld"
"Louis C.K. - Stoddard Thorsen"
"Jack Huston - Pete Musane"
"Michael Peña - Paco Hernandez/Sheik Abdullah"
"Shea Whigham - Carl Elway"
"Alessandro Nivola - Anthony Amado"
"Elisabeth Röhm - Dolly Polito"
"Paul Herman - Alfonse Simone"
"Robert De Niro - Victor Tellegio"
"[as his computer chimes while turning on] Yeah. Not gonna lie. This sound - gets me hard as a fuckin' rock. But I don't like to go too fast right off the bat. Yeah, I'd rather work my way into it, nice and easy. So I start off with some stills. Then, once I'm gettin' into it, I start lookin' for a video. I never actually touch my cock til I find the right clip. Then, once I do, goodbye. For the next few minutes, all the bullshit fades away and the only thing in the world is those tits, dat ass, the blowjob... the cowboy, the doggie, the money shot and that's it. I don't gotta say anything, I don't gotta do anything. I just fuckin' lose myself. There's only a few things I really care about in life. My body. My pad. My ride. My family. My church. My boys. My girls. And my porn. I know, the last one sounds weird, but I'm just bein' honest. Nothin' else does it for me the same way, not even real pussy. And...why do you think my boys call me 'The Don'?""
"See? This is what I'm sayin; real pussy is good, but, I'm sorry, it's not as good as porn. Tits? Great. Ass? Great. Blowjob? Sure, it's fuckin' fantastic in person-if she'll do it. But in real life, if you wanna get head, you gotta give head. And I know, some guys love eating pussy, but the thing about those guys is THEY'RE FUCKIN' CRAZY! Don't get me wrong, I like a good pussy eating clip, but from down here, there's nothing good about this. And if she finally does decide to do you the big favor...she's in a fuckin' hurry. Now, when it comes to the actual fucking, first of all, condoms are terrible, they just are! But, you gotta wear one, 'cause, unlike porn, real pussy can kill you. Second of all, missionary is the worst position in all of fucking! The tits lie flat, you can't see her ass-you can't really touch her ass, 'cause she's lyin' on her back. They don't want to do it from behind, 'cause they wanna look at you. Basically, it's all me doin' all the work. Money shot? No, there is no real life Money shot! Real girls won't do that shit! You just cum through the fuckin' condom! So, you tell me: which looks better? This? [a clip of him having sex with a girl] Or THIS? [a clip of his porn]"
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession. Since last Sunday I had sexual relations out of wedlock two times. I also watched pornographic videos and masturbated seventeen times. For these, and all the sins in my life, I am sorry."
"Alright, I'll admit: there are some downsides. Like, there's some times you find a great clip with a hot chick, and right as you're startin' to cum, it shows the guy. It's not much of a fault, really, but it still sucks, so... also, now adays, you got so much to choose from, so, finding the right clip takes a lot of time. And my time is precious to me. Yeah, I got shit to do, so...and, every once in a while, you find a clip that's so good, it's fuckin' depressing. You think to yourself, "why can't real pussy be like THIS?" And, I smash new girls, all the fuckin' time, always an 8, or better, and it's STILL never this good! What am I doin' wrong? Maybe it's time to try somethin' new, so..."
"I don't watch too many movies. I used to watch them a lot when I was little kid, before I could get my hand on any porn. 'Cause back then, if I wanted to see a really hot girl, my best bet was to watch a movie. Now, I don't really see the point. I dunno, I must be missin' out on somethin', because most people...eat that shit up. The pretty woman, the pretty man, love at first sight, the first kiss, the break-up, the make-up, the expensive wedding, and then they ride off into the sunset. And everyone knows it's fake, but they watch it like it's real, fuckin' life!"
"I'm in love with Barbara. I am. And tonight, I FINALLY got to fuck her. But I'm sorry to say, it's STILL not as good as porn. Tits-best ever. Ass-best ever. Blowjob-good luck. A girl that hot- she don't need to give head. For her, she just wants to go from kissing, to naked kissing, to fucking, you know, "making love." And, by "making love," I mean, "missionary fucking." No doggy, no cowboy..."
"This fuckin' lady! Now I don't usually like it when a girl looks me right in the eye, and this girl does that a lot. But I don't know what it is about her, when she does it, I don't mind. I just look right back at her, and pretty soon, I'm hard as a fuckin' rock. It's like she knows what I'm thinkin', or I know what she's thinkin'. I don't know, it's a two-way thing. Fuckin' love it! And I don't mean love like, oh I love her or wanna marry her, definitely not thinkin' about all that shit. And she's not either... she can't. I guess I just mean love like, you know like... we're making love. And while we're doing it, all the bullshit does fade away, and it's just me and her right there, and yeah I do lose myself in her. And I can tell she's losing herself in me. And we're just fuckin'... lost together."
"[dry-humping Jon] 'Cause I don't know what that would mean, you know?... I don't wanna do anything unless it means something... Don't you think it's always better when it means something?...You'd be so sexy in a real job... so what'd ya say? You, me and our friends go out sometime?... And our families meet... huh, yeah?... And you take one class for me, baby? One little class? Huh? Yeah? Yeah?... and after that, are you gonna fuck me in my tight ass, baby? Please?...and maybe come in my face?... Huh, Jon? You wanna come at my face?... then come on baby, cum for me! Cum, cum, cum..."
"If you wanna lose yourself, you have to lose yourself to another person. And she has to lose herself to you. It's a two-way thing."
"Everyone loves a happy ending."
"There's more to life than a happy ending."
"Joseph Gordon-Levitt - Jon "Don Jon" Martello, Jr."
"Scarlett Johansson - Barbara Sugarman"
"Julianne Moore - Esther"
"Rob Brown - Bobby"
"Glenne Headly - Angela Martello"
"Brie Larson - Monica Martello"
"Tony Danza - Jon Martello, Sr."
"Jeremy Luke - Danny"
"Paul Ben-Victor - Priest (Voice)"
"[narrating] Every precinct has its cop bar - a private club - all blue. For the 3-7 it was the Four Aces, just across the river."
"The case is closed, finished, over! Go to lunch! Go! Hey, go to lunch. Go to lunch! The case is closed. Everybody, get the fuck outta here. Get outta here! The case is fucking closed!"
"Listen, you deaf fuck. I offered you a chance when we could have done something, I offered you a chance to be a cop, and YOU BLEEEEW IT! You blew it."
"What you've got here, sheriff, is a town that scares the shit outta certain people."
"You know the difference between men and boys? Boys bet everything on everything! Boys think every hand is a royal flush! You play cards with a man, he knows his limits."
"Freddie, I invited men - cops - good men - to live in this town. And these men make a living - they cross that bridge every day to a place where everything is upside down. Where the cop is the perp, and the perp is the victim. The only thing they did was get their families out, before it got to them. We made a place where things make sense, where you can cross the street without fear. Now you come to me with a plan, to set things right. Everyone in the city holding hands, singing "We Are the World." That's very nice, but Freddie, your plan is the plan of a boy! You read it on the back of a matchbox, without thinking! Without looking at the cards."
"Listen to me, I got a check in my pocket for $200,000. I got a chance to start my life again. I don't give a shit about this town, I don't give a shit about that town and I don't give a shit about your fucking justice. Bein' right is not a bulletproof vest, Freddy."
"Two kind of people in this world: pinball people and video game people. You, Freddy, you're pinball people."
"Frank LaGunda: You're gonna be hurtin', Freddy. You're not gonna know when, you're not gonna know where. You're gonna be hurtin'. You mark my words - I'm watchin' you!"
"No One Is Above The Law"
"Sylvester Stallone - Sheriff Freddy Heflin"
"Harvey Keitel - Lt. Ray Donlan"
"Ray Liotta - Officer Gary "Figgs" Figgis"
"Robert De Niro - Lt. Moe Tilden"
"Peter Berg - Officer Joey Randone"
"Janeane Garofalo as Deputy Sheriff Cindy Betts"
"Robert Patrick - Officer Jack Rucker"
"Michael Rapaport - Officer Murray "Superboy" Babitch"
"Arthur Nascarella - Det. Frank Lagonda"
"John Spencer - Det. Leo Crasky"
"Malik Yoba - Det. Sam Carson"
"Noah Emmerich - Deputy Sheriff Bill Geisler"
"Annabella Sciorra - Liz Randone"
"Cathy Moriarty - Rose Donlan"
"Frank Vincent - PDA President Vincent Lassaro"
"John Ventimiglia - Officer Michael Vittorio"
"Victor Williams - Officer Russell Ames"
"Edie Falco - Berta (Bomb Squad Agent)"
"Mel Gorham - Monica Lopez"
"Paul Calderón Hector the Paramedic"
"Vincent Laresca - Robert the Paramedic"
"Method Man - Shondel"
"Deborah Harry - Delores (4 Aces bartender)"
"Tony Sirico - Tony "Toy" Torillo (photo only)"
"Koreans have killed his mother and now his tree. Christmas is ruined."
"[Upon being asked to go to a Christmas Eve party] No can do man. I have to stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high."
"Uh, miss, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you rape my friend on Christmas Eve."
"[Adrian: Also, I told her you work for the White House.] Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that."
"John Cho as Harold Lee"
"Kal Penn as Kumar Patel"
"Neil Patrick Harris as a fictionalized version of himself"
"Danny Trejo as Mr. Perez"
"Danneel Harris as Vanessa Fanning"
"Elias Koteas as Sergei Katsov"
"Paula Garcés as Maria Perez-Lee"
"Thomas Lennon as Todd"
"Patton Oswalt as Larry Juston/Mall Santa"
"Eddie Kaye Thomas as Andy Rosenberg"
"David Krumholtz as Seth Goldstein"
"Amir Blumenfeld as Adrian"
"Your Worst Fears Will Surface"
"Jeremy Luke — Gino "The Complication" Moretti"
"Melissa Molinaro — Nicolina "Nooki" Santamaria"
"William Atherton — Dolan"
"Daniel Booko — Paulie"
"Aren't we supposed to question authority? You taught me that! Who do you think you are, General Patton?"
"[to Lorna] Now, I have no right in telling this to you. It's dangerous for you and it's dangerous for them, but I'm sorry I just couldn't stop myself. You can do what you want to, you can tell your dad; anything, I don't care. I just needed you to know... I don't know what I'm doing, and I love you."
"You're strange. I cut. I didn't feel like having my picture taken with those sub-humans."
"...So, now that we've determined that I belong here, let's talk about you."
"You're certifiable. You're welcome!"
"[to Michael] Why do you have to carry the burden of someone else's life?"
"Arthur Pope: Now, go out there and make a difference. Your mother and I tried. Don't let anyone tell you different."
"Annie Pope: What are we doing to these kids? They've been running their whole lives like criminals, and they didnt do anything!"
"River Phoenix - Danny Pope /Michael"
"Christine Lahti - Annie Pope"
"Judd Hirsch - Arthur Pope"
"Jonas Abry - Harry Pope"
"Martha Plimpton - Lorna Phillips"
"Ed Crowley - Mr. Phillips"
"Steven Hill - Donald Patterson"
"Augusta Dabney - Abigail Patterson"
"L. M. Kit Carson - Gus Winant"
"David Margulies - Dr. Jonah Reiff"
"Lynne Thigpen - Contact at Eldridge St."
"Marcia Jean Kurtz - School Clerk"
"I feel like there are things that you just, like, don't say to me. And I can't tell whether you're, like, holding back a desire to be close or a desire to be distant."
"Until I leave earth, I'm gonna have always been so tangled."
"Raiff's ambition to break free from sentimental formula and forge a path of his own is clear, making him an exciting young filmmaker to watch."
"Cooper Raiff — Andrew, a Tulane University graduate who has recently moved back home"
"Dakota Johnson — Domino"
"Evan Assante — David, Andrew's younger brother"
"Vanessa Burghardt — Lola, Domino's daughter"
"Leslie Mann — Lia, Andrew's mother"
"Brad Garrett — Stepdad Greg"
"Raúl Castillo — Joseph, Domino's fiancé"
"Colton Osorio — Rodrigo, David's friend"
"Amara Pedroso Saquel — Maya, Andrew's girlfriend"
"Odeya Rush — Macy, Andrew's friend from high school"
"Brooklyn Sloane Ramirez — Margaret"
"Kelly O'Sullivan — Bella"