"Peanut Blart and jelly! What, what, what's up, man?"

"[from trailer] Nobody knows this mall better than I do."

"[from trailer] Safety never takes a holiday."

"[after showing a Loch Ness Monster tattoo on his lower back that he got while drunk] It's the . I don't drink."

"[headbutts criminal, groans] Nobody wins with a headbutt."

"[to a villain] Hey you, Scuba-dooby-doo! [sends a scuba tank into a villain, knocking him out]"

"[sees Paul hanging by a rope, being pulled up into the air ducts] I wish I had a bat. I would burst you open, see how…"

"Y'know, my mother always said: "If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself." I'm paraphrasing, of cours…"

"Alright, you have all completed the written exam. However, you must now pass the obstacle course to be admitted into …"

"I went by our station on the way home... I like that sign. I think we're gonna be alright."