"[singing] Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them dogies rollin', man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Get 'em up, move 'em out, wake 'em up, get 'em dressed, get 'em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide! Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, smack my thighs - with a big wet strap of, Rawhide!"

"[to a classroom full of children on Career Day] Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so fast. When you’re a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, “What happened to my twenties?” Your forties, you grow a little pot belly, you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud. One of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Fifties you have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery. Sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud, but it doesn’t matter because you can’t hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, start eating dinner at two o'clock in the afternoon, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate soft yogurt and muttering “How come the kids don’t call? How come the kids don’t call?” The eighties, you’ve had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can’t stand but who you call mama. Any questions?"

"Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place."

"Let's bring out the cake!"

"I'm 39, and I'm saying "Moo, cow!" in a river! Do you believe this!?"

"God loves you just the way you are. But He loves too much to let you stay that way."

"Jill Wagner as Millicent, friend at baby shower"

"Alicia Van Couvering as Bernadette, Madeleine's gallery assistant"

"Joanne Pankow as Sissy Wark, David's sister"

"Frank Hoyt Taylor as David Wark, the artist"

"Scott Wilson as Eugene Johnsten"

"Alessandro Nivola as George Johnsten"

"Celia Weston as Peg Johnsten"

"Benjamin McKenzie as Johnny Johnsten"

"Amy Adams as Ashley Johnsten"

"Embeth Davidtz as Madeleine Johnsten"

"Have you thought of any names? I was thinking if it's a boy then we could name him Johnny, and if it's a girl we could still name it Johnny just spell it J-O-N-N-I with an I!"

"All I really want is for Johnny to love me like he did in High School."

"I wounder what she looks like. I bet she's skinny. She probably is. She's skinnner'n me and prettier too. Now I'll hate her. Oh I can't wait!"

"I had a little frog once. A little green frog, very cute. And I loved that frog very, very much. It meant everything to me. And one day I woke up. The frog was gone. And I thought to myself that if the frog is gone, I'm going to kill myself. So I stood there in my boyroom with my stepfathers gun pointing at myself. Ready to kill. The little frog walks in to the room like this, and he stands and look at me. Then I understood. That if you really, really love someone, as my frog did with me, they can come back. And that's not only animals. It could be people also. So if Slim Susie loves you, she will come back, I promise. She's coming back. Be happy and jump on your moped and take a ride around the city and burn out and have fun. You and your moped. Thank you for listening. Over and out."

"We do occasionally get some tips. Do you know anyone by the name of Keyser Soze? Tony Montana?"

"Ich nicht Deutschland, go home!"

"I´m walking down the street of my hometown. Pölsa has no fear, but he has a lot of beer, skål!."

"You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert."

"Tony Roberts - Tony"

"Marie-Christine Barrault - Isobel"

"Jessica Harper - Daisy"

"Charlotte Rampling - Dorrie"

"Woody Allen - Sandy Bates"

"Female fan: [to Bates] Will you autograph my left breast?"

"To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition."

"I don't know much about classic music. For years I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg tried on their wedding night."

"I took one course in existential philosophy at, uh, at New York University, and on, uh, on the final... they gave me ten questions, and, uh, I couldn't answer a single one of 'em. You know? I left 'em all blank... I got a hundred."

"I ,uh , make tables ."

"Fist Fighter #2 - Peter N. Cipriano"

"Fist Fighter #1 - Cameron Swirka"

"Laurie D'Amour - Laurie D'Amour"

"Troy (Tron) McRae - Andrew Sparacino"

"Ron Miller - Jim Lawrence"

"Dr. S.C. Lim - Dr. S.C. Lim"

"Chastity Murdoch - Sage Lawrence"

"Trixie Anderson - Tracey Lawrence"

"Brandon Ryan - Gordon Skilling"

"Just Give'r"

"tron funkin blow (spray painted)"

"the government takes their part"

"Two-liner!"

"And I rip that shit in half!"

"(Deaner farts) , "As soon as I smelt that I thought 'Terry's mom's place'. Ah, something must be cookin' over at Terry's mom's house"."

"I recommend you try a different sport, like knitting!"