"Well, what can I say about this pig that hasn't already been said? I know a lot of you folks have come out to the farm and you've seen the words, and a lot of you have asked me, 'how could this have happened?'. I don't know, but it has happened... at a time when we really don't see many miraculous things. Maybe we do. Maybe they're all right there around us everyday, we just don't know where to look. There's no denying that our own little Wilbur... he's part of something that's bigger than all of us. And life on that farm's just a whole lot better with him in it. He really is some pig."

"[repeated line] Great name!"

"Oh, Wilbur... don't you know what you've already done? You made me your friend and in doing so, you made a spider beautiful to everyone in that barn..."

"No, my webs were no miracle, Wilbur. I was only describing what I saw. The miracle is you."

"I'm up here in the corner… the other corner."

"[last lines] It's not often someone comes along that's a true friend and good writer. Charlotte was both."

"Justin Theroux - Clarence the Cowboy"

"Camryn Manheim - Toby Walters"

"Vincent Ventresca - Billy Christensen"

"Elaine Hendrix - Lisa Luder"

"Kristin Bauer - Kelly"

"Mia Cottet - Cheryl"

"Julia Campbell - Christie Masters"

"Alan Cumming - Sandy Frink"

"Janeane Garofalo - Heather Mooney"

"Lisa Kudrow - Michele Weinberger"

"Mira Sorvino - Romy White"

"A Comedy of Blonders."

"The Blonde Leading The Blonde."

"Coming Soon To Theaters Everywhere... Okay?"

"What happens in Gomorrah, stays in Gomorrah."

"Heaven help us."

"Do you smell something burning?"

"Televangelist: I want to be in the green, Lord!"

"Father George Coyne, PhD: The Scriptures are not teaching science. It's very hard for me to accept, not just a literal interpretation of Scripture, but a fundamentalist approach to religious belief. It's kind of a plague. It presents itself as science and it's not."

"Dr. Andrew Newberg, MD: How we define what is crazy or not crazy about religions is ultimately up to how we define "crazy". If you define mental illness as anyone who hears a voice talking to them, then anyone who has heard the voice of God is crazy."

"Father George Coyne, PhD: It's not that the church has the idea that they're gonna train us up in order to go out and baptize those extraterrestrials, before the Mormons get at 'em. The reason is simply historical facts. John Paul II, for instance, said that evolution, in the Neo-Darwinian sense, is no longer a mere hypothesis. I mean, he said that, it's in writing."

"If the world does come to an end here, or wherever, or if it limps into the future, decimated by the effects of religion-inspired nuclear terrorism, let's remember what the real problem was. We learned how to precipitate mass death before we got past the neurological disorder of wishing for it. That's it. Grow up or die."

"If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest. To do otherwise is to be an enabler, a mafia wife, for the true devils of extremism that draw their legitimacy from the billions of their fellow travelers."

"The only appropriate attitude for man to have about the big questions is not the arrogant certitude that is the hallmark of religion, but doubt. Doubt is humble, and that's what man needs to be, considering that human history is just a litany of getting shit dead wrong. This is why rational people, anti-religionists, must end their timidity and come out of the closet and assert themselves. And those who consider themselves only moderately religious really need to look in the mirror and realize that the solace and comfort that religion brings you actually comes at a terrible price."

"Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith, and enable and elevate it are intellectual slaveholders, keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction. Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do. Most people would think it's wonderful when someone says, "I'm willing, Lord! I'll do whatever you want me to do!" Except that since there are no gods actually talking to us, that void is filled in by people with their own corruptions and limitations and agendas. And anyone who tells you they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you don't. How can I be so sure? Because I don't know, and you do not possess mental powers that I do not."

"The irony of religion is that because of its power to divert man to destructive courses, the world could actually come to an end. The plain fact is, religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge having in key decisions made by religious people, by irrationalists, by those who would steer the ship of state not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken. George Bush prayed a lot about Iraq, but he didn't learn a lot about it."

"It seems that if God wanted to communicate something to the world - he's all powerful - he would just talk to the whole world. It always seems he picks out a prophet in private and tells them, "Ok, you're the prophet. Now you go tell the rest of the world", so we just have to take it on faith."

"Scientists line up overwhelmingly on one side of this issue. It would have to be an enormous conspiracy going on between scientists of all different disciplines, in all different countries, to have such a consensus."

"Do you think it's possible that when we're on something like marijuana or mushrooms and we believe we're having a really spiritual experience that we're just high?"

"There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building. I worked a lot of comedy clubs in the eighties that still had the disco ball on the ceiling. And in the nineties they became strip clubs. And now they're a Starbucks."

"You know, Scientologists [sound of audience laughing]. And right, you're like, "Oh, yeah, that's some crazy shit. Okay." Jesus with the virgin birth and the dove and the snake who talked in the garden, that's cool. But the Scientologists, they're the crazy ones."

"Gay Muslim activists. That is a very rare job description. You guys have big ones."

"Tony Munch - Man Who Rides Shotgun"

"Scott McCord - Man who got shot"

"Romana Pringle - Baby's Mother"

"Kaylyn Yellowlees - Baby Oliver"

"Lucas Mende-Gibson Baby Oliver"

"Sidney Mende-Gibson Baby Oliver"

"Daniel Pilon - Senator Harry Rutledge"

"Greg Bryk - The "Go-to-Guy""

"Stephen McHattie - Hammerson"

"Monica Bellucci - Donna "D.Q." Quintano"

"Paul Giamatti - Karl Hertz"