"Oh, come on. Audrey. I look like hell. I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well, if you were a man, I would punch you. I'd punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league."

"The arsonist has oddly shaped feet."

"How are you? You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm? Maybe don't wear a bra next time. No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin. La - Lanolin? Like - like sheep's wool?"

"Mm, I love scotch. I love Scotch. Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly. Mm-mm-mm."

"His news is bigger than your news."

"If Ron Burgundy says it, it's the truth!"

"They bring you the news—so you don't have to get it yourself."

"Bill Kurtis - Narrator"

"Missi Pyle - Zookeeper"

"Kathryn Hahn - Helen"

"Seth Rogen - Cameraman"

"Ben Stiller - Arturo Mendez"

"Luke Wilson - Frank Vitchard"

"Jimmy Bennett - Tommy"

"Tim Robbins - Public News anchor"

"Adam McKay - Janitor"

"Fred Armisen - Tino"

"Robin Antin - Spanish Language News team member"

"Jay Johnston - Eyewitness News team member"

"Paul F. Tompkins - Cat show competition host"

"Judd Apatow - News station employee"

"Jack Black - Motorcyclist"

"Danny Trejo - Bartender"

"Peanut - Baxter"

"Chris Parnell - Garth Holliday"

"Fred Willard - Edward "Ed" Harkin"

"Vince Vaughn - Wes Mantooth"

"David Koechner - Champion "Champ" Kind"

"Steve Carell - Brick Tamland"

"Paul Rudd - Brian Fantana"

"Christina Applegate - Veronica Corningstone"

"Will Ferrell - Ronald Joseph Aaron "Ron" Burgundy"

"[voiceover] When the clock struck six, it meant one thing for Ron Burgundy and his news team: go time."

"[voiceover] There was a time, a time before cable, when the local anchorman reigned supreme, when people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man than the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine, they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls."

"Como éstan, bitches! Spanish language news is here. Tonight's top story: the sewers run red with Burgundy's blood."

"Not so fast, you ingrates! Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials! No mercy!"

"[to Veronica Corningstone] Apparently, my son was on something called acid and was firing a bow and arrow into a crowd. You know how kids are!"

"[on the phone] Right, but I think my son is just going through a phase. I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults. We've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? O - Of course you haven't. How stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right, I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye."

"[from the outtakes] I pooped a Cornish game hen. Uh . . . [laughs] Nope."

"[from the outtakes] I pooped a tape recorder."

"Oh, Joel Miller, you just found the marble in the oatmeal! You're a very, very, very lucky little boy. You know why? You get to drink from...THE FIRE HOOOOOSE!!!"

"It's crazy. It's zany. It's hysterical. It's TV according to "Weird Al" Yankovic."

"A lot of TV stations have forgotten what "quality" means. But not Channel 62. They NEVER knew what it meant."

"TV as it was meant to be seen. In a movie theater."

"Noodles Macintosh: [having just vengefully stuck a foot out and tripped up Richard Fletcher, now throwing Richard Fletcher's sarcasm right back at him] Awwww... did I do that? Oopsie!"

"Kuni (and other karate experts): SUH-PLIIEES!!"

"Gandhi: Give me a steak, medium-rare."

"Young book customer: [in a preview for "Conan the Librarian"] These books are a little overdue. [Conan slices him in two!!]"

"Philo: Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to...[unfolds a piece of paper with the title written on it; recites title with echo effect] Secrets Of The Universe. [folds paper back up] Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items."