Films About Television

"I'm Lowell Bergmann, I'm from 60 Minutes. You know, you take the "60 Minutes" out of that sentence, nobody returns your phone call."

"What do I tell the next source when the next tough story comes along, huh? 'Hang in with us, you'll be ok maybe'? What got broken here doesn't go back together."

"You pay me to go get guys like Wigand, to draw him out. To get him to trust us, to get him to go on television. I do. I deliver him. He sits. He talks. He violates his own confidentiality agreement. And he's only the key witness in the biggest public health reform issue, maybe the biggest, most-expensive corporate-malfeasance case in U.S. history. And Jeffrey Wigand, who's out on a limb, does he go on television and tell the truth? Yes. Is it newsworthy? Yes. Are we gonna air it? Of course not. Why? Because he's not telling the truth? No. Because he is telling the truth. That's why we're not going to air it. And the more truth he tells, the worse it gets!"

"You'd better take a good look, because I'm getting two things: pissed off and curious."

"Stephen Tobolowsky - Eric Kluster"

"Christopher Plummer - Mike Wallace"

"Philip Baker Hall - Don Hewitt"

"Russell Crowe - Jeffrey Wigand"

"Al Pacino - Lowell Bergman"

"Two men driven to tell the truth... whatever the cost."

"Kathy Cronkite - Mary Ann Gifford"

"Arthur Burghardt - Great Ahmed Kahn"

"Ned Beatty - Arthur Jensen"

"Wesley Addy - Nelson Chaney"

"Peter Finch - Howard Beale"

"Robert Duvall - Frank Hackett"

"William Holden - Max Schumacher"

"Faye Dunaway - Diana Christensen"

"Prepare yourself for a perfectly outrageous motion picture!"

"Television will never be the same!"

"The business of management is management."

"[Final line in the film] This was the story of Howard Beale: The first known instance of a man who was killed because he had lousy ratings."

"The initial response to the new Howard Beale Show was not auspicatory. The press was, without exception, hostile and industry reaction, negative. The ratings for the Thursday and Friday shows were both 14%, but Monday's rating dropped a point, clearly suggesting the novelty was wearing off."

"It was a perfectly admissible argument that Howard Beale advanced in the days that followed. It was, however, also a very depressing one. Nobody particularly cared to hear his life was utterly valueless. By the end of the first week in June, The Howard Beale Show had dropped one point in the ratings and its trend of shares dipped under 48% for the first time since last November."

"By mid-October, The Howard Beale Show had settled in at a 42% share, more than equaling all the other network news shows combined. In the Nielsen ratings, The Howard Beale Show was listed as the fourth highest rated show of the month, surpassed only by The Six Million Dollar Man, All in the Family and Phyllis - a phenomenal state of affairs for a news show - and on October the 15th, Diana Christensen flew to Los Angeles for what the trade calls "powwows and confabs" with our west coast programming execs and to get production rolling on the shows for the coming season."

"I was married for four years, and pretended to be happy; and I had six years of analysis, and pretended to be sane. My husband ran off with his boyfriend, and I had an affair with my analyst, who told me I was the worst lay he'd ever had. I can't tell you how many men have told me what a lousy lay I am. I apparently have a masculine temperament. I arouse quickly, consummate prematurely, and can't wait to get my clothes back on and get out of that bedroom. I seem to be inept at everything except my work. I'm goddamn good at my work and so I confine myself to that. All I want out of life is a 30 share and a 20 rating."

"The American people are good people: Democrats, Independents, Republicans and others. Under no circumstances will I, and I hope no others, capitulate to those that want to undercut what's all good in America. [This quote is from a clip of President Ford that is broadcast right before Howard Beale announces that he is leaving the network.]"

"Last night I got up here and asked you people to stand up and fight for your heritage, and you did, and it was beautiful. Six million telegrams were received at the White House. The Arab takeover of CCA has been stopped. The people spoke, the people won. It was a radiant eruption of democracy. But I think that was it, fellas. That sort of thing is not likely to happen again. Because at the bottom of all our terrified souls, we know that democracy is a dying giant, a sick, sick dying, decaying political concept, writhing in its final pain. I don't mean that the United States is finished as a world power. The United States is the richest, the most powerful, the most advanced country in the world, light-years ahead of any other country. And I don't mean the Communists are gonna take over the world, because the Communists are deader than we are. What is finished is the idea that this great country is dedicated to the freedom and flourishing of every individual in it. It's the individual that's finished. It's the single, solitary human being that's finished. It's every single one of you out there that's finished. Because this is no longer a nation of independent individuals. It's a nation of some two hundred odd million transistorized, deodorized, whiter-than-white, steel-belted bodies, totally unnecessary as human beings and as replaceable as piston rods. Well, the time has come to say 'Is 'dehumanization' such a bad word?' Whether it's good or bad, that's what is so. The whole world is becoming humanoid, creatures that look human but aren't. The whole world, not just us. We're just the most advanced country, so we're getting there first. The whole world's people are becoming mass-produced, programmed, numbered, insensate things."

"Edward George Ruddy died today! Edward George Ruddy was the Chairman of the Board of the Union Broadcasting Systems, and he died at eleven o'clock this morning of a heart condition, and woe is us, we're in a lot of trouble! So, a rich little man with white hair died. What does that got to do with the price of rice, right? And why is that woe to us? Because you people and sixty-two million other Americans are listening to me right now. Because less than three percent of you people read books! Because less than fifteen percent of you read newspapers! Because the only truth you know is what you get over this tube! Right now, there is a whole, an entire generation that never knew anything that didn't come out of this tube! This tube is the Gospel, the ultimate revelation! This tube can make or break Presidents, Popes, Prime Ministers! This tube is the most awesome goddamn force in the whole godless world! And woe is us if it ever falls into the hands of the wrong people, and that's why woe is us that Edward George Ruddy died! Because this company is now in the hands of CCA, the Communication Corporation of America. There's a new chairman of the board, a man called Frank Hackett sitting in Mr. Ruddy's office on the 20th floor. And when the twelfth largest company in the world controls the most awesome goddamn propaganda force in the whole godless world, who knows what shit will be peddled for truth on this network?! So, you listen to me. Listen to me! Television is not the truth. Television's a goddamned amusement park! Television is a circus, a carnival, a traveling troupe of acrobats, storytellers, dancers, singers, jugglers, sideshow freaks, lion tamers, and football players. We're in the boredom-killing business! So if you want the truth, go to God! Go to your gurus! Go to yourselves! Because that's the only place you're ever gonna find any real truth! But man, you're never gonna get any truth from us. We'll tell you anything you wanna hear. We lie like hell. We'll tell you that, uh, Kojak always gets the killer, and that nobody ever gets cancer at Archie Bunker's house. And no matter how much trouble the hero is in, don't worry, just look at your watch, at the end of the hour he's gonna win. We'll tell you any shit you want to hear. We deal in illusions, man! None of it is true! But you people sit there day after day, night after night, all ages, colors, creeds. We're all you know! You're beginning to believe the illusions we're spinning here! You're beginning to think that the tube is reality and that your own lives are unreal! You do whatever the tube tells you, you dress like the tube, you eat like the tube, you raise your children like the tube, you even think like the tube! This is mass madness, you maniacs! In God's name, you people are the real thing! We are the illusion! So turn off your television sets! Turn them off now! Turn them off right now! Turn them off and leave them off! Turn them off right in the middle of this sentence I am speaking to you now! Turn them off!"

"I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work, or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter, punks are running wild in the street, and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it! We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TVs while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be! We know things are bad — worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is: 'Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone.' Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get MAD! I don't want you to protest, I don't want you to riot, I don't want you to write to your congressman, because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first, you've got to get mad! [shouting] You've got to say: 'I'm a human being, goddammit! My life has value!' So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out, and yell: I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I want you to get up right now. Sit up. Go to your windows. Open them and stick your head out and yell: 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not gonna take this anymore!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!...You've got to say: I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE! Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis! But first, get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it: I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

"Conchata Ferrell - Barbara Schlesinger"

"[from the outtakes] I pooped a hammer."

"[from the outtakes] I ate a whole bunch of fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said. My stomach's itchy."

"[from the outtakes] I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't lava."

"I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite, and I'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream, and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call "mentally retarded.""

"I woke up this morning on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would not stop screaming!"

"Champ here. I'm all about havin' fun. You know, get a couple of cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen. Maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off. Anyway, I've become kind of famous for my signature catchphrase, "Whammy!" As in, "Gene Tenace at the plate . . . and whammy!" Whammy!"

"It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time."

"People call me the Bri-man. I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself, and the answer is yes, I have a nickname for my penis. It's called the Octagon. But I also nicknamed my testes. My left one is James Westfall, and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right, you just might get to meet the whole gang."

"[voiceover, after witnessing the sexism exhibited by the news team] Huh, here we go again. Every station, it's the same. Women ask me how I put up with it. Well, the truth is, I don't really have a choice. This is definitely a man's world. But while they're laughing and grab-assing, I'm chasing down leads and practicing my non-regional diction. Because the only way to win is to be the best. The very best."

"Knights of Columbus that hurt!"

"By the hymen of Olivia Newton John!"

"It's so damn hot . . . milk was a bad choice!"

"I know that one day, Veronica and I are gonna get married on top of a mountain. And there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance 'til the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside, and you won't be invited!"

"[to Brian Fantana] “We've been coming to the same party for 12 years now...and in no way is that depressing.”"

"[to Baxter] Yoo-hoo! [clears throat] Baxter! Papa's home. There he is. There's my little man. You're okay? O - Of course, I met a lady tonight. This one was different. I have to be honest. Quite different. What? I'm lonely? I'm not lonely! I - I'm beloved by everyone in San Diego. Wow. You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter. You're so wise. [laughs] You're like a miniature Buddha covered in hair. Come again? You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please. Huh? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole . . . wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? It's actually - I'm not even mad. That's amazing. [laughs again] I forgive you. What do you say we get you in your PJs and we hit the hay? Huh? Bedtime. Okay, come on. Let's go. Come on."

"[upon seeing Veronica Corningstone for the first time] By the beard of Zeus!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!"

"For all of us here at News Center Four, I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego."

"Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy, and this is what's happening in your world tonight. A La Jolla man clings to life at a university hospital after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool."