"Now I'm not pointing any fingers, Lord knows you start pointing fingers and someone's gonna get poked. And I want you both to know that its not my intention to try and poke either of you."

"Captain Kangaroo, like Jesus, was someone you could really believe in. With those guys, it wasn't about the bells and whistles and the ricketa-racketa; it was all about the work. Especially Jesus."

"[singing] He slams the door, He stomps his feet, He sends me to bed with zilch to eat. But my step-dad's not mean, he's just adjusting."

"When my brothers and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker."

"[singing] Where can you go when skies turn grey? Where the sun always shines and the animals play? Where every day is a happy day? Well, Smoochy's here to show the way!"

"Tommy Cotter: [at a funeral] It's a shame this happened. Okay, now let's go pray and get shit-faced."

"Friends Come in all Sizes!"

"Angelo Pike: He was jacked up higher than a prom dress in June."

"[to Sheldon] Do not start with your magician's tricks, young Moses! I am Pharaoh! And you are my slave...and this is my kingdom! [starts singing to the tune of Old MacDonald Had a Farm] Rainbow Randolph is the man; Yes, oh, yes, he is! He's the king of Rainbowland; Yes, oh, yes, he is! With some fun, fun here and a laugh, laugh there, Here a dance, there a song; everything is fun, fun! Rainbow Randolph is the King [stars to cry] La, la, la, la...[covers his face]"

"[after being assaulted by Tommy and her henchmen] All right, you spudsucking fucks! I'm suing your Riverdance ass! [heavy Irish accent] I'm gonna send you all the way back home, eh?!"

"[after getting egged] I've been shot! I'm bleeding! Salmonella! You're a lawyer! That's salmonella!"

"[to a baby, after framing Sheldon] Hello, little nipple-nibbler. The rhino's a Nazi!"

"You better grow eyes in the back of your fucking head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling right up your foamy rubber ass! I'm going on a safari, motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I! [makes an elephant noise]"

"[Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped cookie made by Randolph] What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you dumb fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! Yeah, it's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough."

"Even when you're squeaky clean, you can still fall in the mud."

"Doris Belack - Rita Marshall"

"You know, I could lay a big line on you and we could do a lot of role playing, but the simple truth is that I find you very interesting and I'd really like to make love to you."

"[in her audition] Oh I know what y'all really want is some gross caricature of a woman to prove some idiotic point that power makes a woman masculine, or masculine women are ugly. Well shame on you for letting a man do that, or any man that does that. That means you, dear. Miss Marshall. Shame on you, you macho shit head."

"[to April, dressed only in bra and panties] What kind of mother would I be if I didn't give my girls tits... tips?"

"Mike, I really appreciate you're doing this, but... it is just for the money, isn't it? It's not just so you can wear these little outfits?"

"There is nothing you can do for me. I just have to feel like this until I don't feel like this anymore and you're gonna have to know that you're the one that made me feel this way."

"Well, good night, Michael. It was a wonderful party. My date left with someone else. I had a lot of fun. Do you have any Seconol?"

"George Fields: [to Dorothy/Michael] I begged you to get therapy."

"John Van Horne: [after Dorothy reveals she is a man] Does Jeff know?"

"Ron Carlisle: [after Dorothy reveals she is a man] I knew there was a reason she didn't like me!"

"This Is a Hell of a Way To Make a Living."

"Desperate, he took a female role and became a star. If only he could tell the woman he loves."

"He's Tootsie... She's Dustin Hoffman"

"What do you get when you cross a hopelessly straight starving actor with a dynamite red sequined dress? You get America's hottest new actress."

"Can you keep a secret? In the next 72 hours, this desperate, unemployed actor will secretly audition for the lead of a soap opera. And become America's hottest new actress."

"Dustin Hoffman - Michael Dorsey/Dorothy Michaels"

"Jessica Lange - Julie Nichols"

"Teri Garr - Sandy Lester"

"Dabney Coleman - Ron Carlisle"

"Charles Durning - Les Nichols"

"Bill Murray - Jeff Slater"

"Sydney Pollack - George Fields"

"George Gaynes - John Van Horn"

"Geena Davis - April Page"

"Lynne Thigpen - Jo"

"Warning: Exposing the Truth May Be Hazardous"

"Fame has a fifteen minute half-life. Infamy lasts a little longer."

""Mike"? Try "Mr. Wallace." We work in the same corporation, doesn't mean we work in the same profession. What are you gonna do now? You gonna finesse me? Lawyer me some more? I've been in this profession fifty fucking years. You and the people you work for are destroying the most-respected, the highest-rated, the most-profitable show on this network!"

"Do me a favor, will you - spare me, for God's sake, get in the real world, what do you think? I'm going to resign in protest? To force it on the air? The answer's "no." I don't plan to spend the end of my days wandering in the wilderness of National Public Radio. That decision I've already made."

"Will you tell him that when I conduct an interview, I sit anywhere I damn please!"

"I never left a source hang out to dry, ever! Abandoned! Not 'till right fucking now. When I came on this job I came with my word intact. I'm gonna leave with my word intact. Fuck the rules of the game!"