"[Sees Angel Dust preparing to jump down] Superhero landing! She's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it! [Angel Dust jumps down and lands in a crouch on one knee with a fist on the ground, Iron Man-style] [Claps] Wooo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it."

"[after landing, Angel Dust toward Deadpool] You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him. [sends Colossus to face Angel Dust] [Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...] [Angel Dust effortlessly knocks him away] I mean... that's why I brought... her? [looks at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is texting on her phone, holding up the index finger in her free hand so Deadpool will wait] Oh no, finish your tweet. It's not... It's not fa... Just give us a second. There ya go, hashtag it. [she throws her phone to Deadpool] Go get 'em, tiger. [Negasonic Teenage Warhead rushes and triggers her powers, which burn off her coat as she tackles Angel Dust into a container] Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom-sex."

"Not often a dude ruins your face, skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say… it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas."

"All the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex! [after breaking both of his wrists trying to punch Colossus, causing his hands to flop around and resemble T-Rex arms]"

"You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. [Saws his hand off to escape from being handcuffed to Colossus] [Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [notices Wade cutting his arm off; disgusted] Oh, my God. Nasty.] [blood splats on Colossus' face] Oh, there's the money shot, baby. [Colossus gags in disgust] [looks at camera] "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret". [He finally finishes cutting off his hand, and jumps off into an oncoming dump truck below, leaving his severed hand on the handcuff, giving the middle finger to Colossus.]"

"[during the gunfight at the abandoned Helicarrier] Look away, child. [N.T.W. doesn't [angrily] LOOK AWAY! [N.T.W. does, and Deadpool pulls his underwear out from his suit's crotch, groaning in pain]"

"[before the final battle with Ajax] Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas!"

"[voiceover; while he and Vanessa kiss passionately] See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. There we go, that looks nice. It's gonna be about the only thing that's pullin' out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood Pool guy singin', ♪ I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you, oh-oh. ♪"

"[after skewering and lifting a henchman with his katanas] You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kebab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is: a love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex…"

"[after successfully killing a henchman and puts his katanas away] Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?"

"[to Colossus] Listen! The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker, on THAT DAY... I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request! 'Till then, I'mma do what I came here to do. Either that, or slap the bitch outta you!"

"[To Blind Al, after Deadpool leaves, saying he hid a stash of cocaine] Wanna get fucked up?"

"I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent."

"[before a montage where he asks Ajax's hench-people where he is, and kills them when they don't answer] This shit's gonna have nuts in it!"

"[to one of Francis' goons] I'm not gonna ask twice; where is Francis? [cut to Wade stabbing his knife through the picture on the corkboard] He made me ask twice. [pulls of mask] Is the mask muffling my voice?"

"[to Vanessa] Listen, we both know that cancer is a shitshow. Like a "Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair" shitshow. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me, not the Ghost of Christmas Me."

"A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break. That's, like, sixteen walls!"

"[Walks by Blind Al and farts] Hashtag, "#driveby.""

"You're about to be killed... by a Zamboni!"

"And please don't make the super suit green. Or animated!"

"[losing bullets] 10! Shit! 9! Fuck! 8! Shit-fuck!"

"You're clowning... you're not clowning? I sense clowns."

"[Tries to shoot a motorcycle-riding goon, and fails] Bad Deadpool. [casually] 7. [shoots a wounded goon dead] Good Deadpool."

"[after a gunfight where he kills a bunch of henchmen with just 12 bullets, he brings the barrels to his nose and inhales the smell of gunpowder] Ahhhhhhhhh. I'm touching myself tonight."

"[when entering a taxi cab] And we all know how this turned out. [scene fast-forwards VHS-like past the fighting scene, up to Wade Wilson on a bed, masturbating with a toy unicorn in his free hand] Whoops! Heh, you weren't meant to see that! [scene fast-forwards all the way to where the actual movie left off with Deadpool lying in a pile of garbage in a truck] There. All caught up."

"Maximum effort!"

"[in the middle of a fight] Ssssshit. Did I leave the stove on?"

"[to a thug who has run out of ammo] Someone's not counting. [shoots him] Six."

"[while singing along to Shoop by Salt-N-Pepa, he notices the camera] What–oh! Oh hello. I know, right? Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "Polverine." And let me tell you, [In an Australian accent] he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. [normally] Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix, and–oh! Bad guys to kill!"

"[while fighting Francis' goons on the highway] I'm looking for-[snaps one's neck] Francis! [in the front seat, he holds the crayon drawing from earlier] Have you seen this man? [his head is grabbed and bashed against the radio, changing the stations] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."

"I’m just a bad guy paid to fuck up worse guys."

"[to a henchwoman] This is confusing! Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real [cocks his pistol] blurry!"

"[to Vanessa, who is grabbing the testicles of a man who made a pass at her] Hey, hey! Hakuna his tatas."

"TELL ME WHERE YOUR FUCKING BOSS IS, OR YOU'RE GONNA DIE! [we see how slowly the Zamboni is moving; he's actually about half the rink away from his victim] IN FIVE MINUTES!"

"[puts a red-hot car cigarette lighter onto henchman's forehead, then shoves it into the henchman's mouth] I've never said this, but don't swallow."

"You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. [Points to a henchman] This guy's got the right idea! He wore the brown pants."

"Frank Vincent - Marty"

"Louis Lombardi - Jimmy Whistles"

"Jose Zuniga - Escobar"

"Mike Moroff - Jorge"

"Carlos Gómez - Miguel"

"Matthew Bortlenghi - Young Joey "Bats""

"Billy Jayne - Young Tony "Mouth""

"Jeremy Ratchford - Young Mike "The Brick""

"Casey Siemaszko - Young Bobby"

"Samantha Kurzman - Young Olivia"

"Miguel Sandoval - Raul Ventana"

"Dan Hedaya - Mike "The Brick" Donatelli"

"Seymour Cassel - Tony "The Mouth" Donato"

"Carrie-Anne Moss - Detective Olivia Neal"