Art School Confidential

"[As a child dressed as Pablo Picasso] I am a genius. I am the greatest artist of the twentieth century. I pretty much invented modern art, and I do weird abstract paintings even though I could paint totally realistic if I wanted to. Also, even though I am super short and bald, I am able to have sex with any beautiful woman I want just because I'm so great."

"[In beatnik girl's apartment with her crying] How about pizza? Do you wanna go get pizza? [She screams at him, then starts laughing then resumes crying]"

"I've gotta cream soma kinda love story into this thing man. Skanks, make up fifty per cent of the audience"

"Man, if she were my girlfriend, I'd be pounding that night and day."

"Now, everyone don't be so hard on Jerome. He is attempting to achieve the impossible. He is trying to sing in his own voice using someone else's vocal cords."

"Now I don't have any particular wisdom to impart to you people, except to say this, these four words - don't have unrealistic expectations. If you want to make money, better drop out right now, go to banking school, or website school - anywhere but art school. And remember, only 1 out of 100 of you will ever make a living as an artist."

"The history of art is largely about the implementation of masculinity.That is such bullshit.Part of some Darwinian imperative. Most artists become artists because they have no way to attract a mate. I hardly think I'm the first to point out that the vast preponderance of artists are, shall we say physiologically deficient in some way."

"Jerome, are you exceptionally skilled as a cocksucker? It wasn't a rhetorical question. Are you a great artist when it comes to fellatio?"

"[Holding up clay pipe] This is ready for the kiln."

"[Outside with Jerome in the campus quad and Bardo observes a girl across from them] The only trouble with that is: all those beatnik chicks are totally insane. Look. What you really want is a nice, innocent, suburban girl. Some freshman chick who hasn't been corrupted yet."

"I know you're a genius, but I'm a genius too."

"Shut up. Look. There's really only one question any of you want to ask: you want to know what it would take to turn you into me. Well, listen closely, 'cause I'm gonna give you the answer. In order to be a great artist, you simply have to *be* a great artist. There's nothing to learn. So... you're all wasting your time. Go home."

"Nympho: [To Jerome] I just want you to know I definitely don't have AIDS. I mean, I've been tested like 40 times so I know for a fact. [Baby starts crying] Keep the fucking kid quiet, you motherfucking asshole! [To Jerome] It's just my old man."

"Jerome's date girl: [Playing with stuffed animals with Jerome in her apartment] Stay out of that cave, Koala Bear. There's snakes and bats. Don't be silly, Pepper. I'm not afraid of a little snake."

"Max Minghella as Jerome"

"Sophia Myles as Audrey"

"John Malkovich as Professor Sandiford"

"Jim Broadbent as Jimmy"

"Matt Keeslar as Jonah"

"Ethan Suplee as Vince"

"Joel David Moore as Bardo"

"Nick Swardson as Matthew"

"Anjelica Huston as Art History Teacher"

"Adam Scott as Marvin Bushmiller"

"Jack Ong as Professor Okamura"

"Scoot McNairy as Army-Jacket"

"Jeremy Guskin as Eno"

"Monika Ramnath as Flower"

"Isaac Laskin as Kiss-Ass"

"Jeanette Brox as Shilo"

"Finneus Egan as Vegan"

"Shelly Cole as Filthy-Haired Girl"

"Jean St. James as Mom"

"Cristen Coppen as Preppy Girl"

"Michael Shamus Wiles as Donald Baumgarten"

"Kate Moennig as Candace (as Katherine Moennig)"

"Ezra Buzzington as Leslie"

"Lauren Lee Smith as Beat Girl"

"Travis Walck as Richard Natwick"

"Paul Collins as Professor David Zipkin"

"Marshall Bell as Lonny"

"Chris McKenna as Mikey (as Chris L. McKenna)"

"Marc Vann as Kevin"

"Roxanne Day as Jonah's Wife - Marie"

"Roxanne Hart as Mom Platz"

"Ozman Sirgood as Dad Platz (as Osman Soykut)"

"Katija Pevec as Cynthia Platz"

"Brian Turk as Cliffy"

"Edith Jefferson as Doddering Aunt"

"Michael Lerner as Art Dealer"