"Here we were with a brand new thing that had never been done before, an animated prime-time television show. So we developed two storyboards; one was they had a helicopter of some kind and they went to the opera or whatever, and the other was Fred and Barney fighting over a swimming pool. So I go back to New York with a portfolio and two half-hour boards. And no-one would even believe that you'd dare to suggest a thing like that, I mean they looked at you and they'd think you're crazy. But slowly the word got out, and I used the presentation which took almost an hour and a half. I would go to the other two boards and tell them what they did, and do all the voices and the sounds and so-on, and I'd stagger back to the hotel and I'd collapse. The phone would ring like crazy, like one time I did Bristol-Myers, the whole company was there. When I got through I'd go back to the hotel the phone would ring and say "the president wasn't at that meeting, could you come back and do it for him." So I had many of those, one time I had two agencies, they'd fill the room I mean God about 40 people, and I did this whole show. I got to know where the laughs were, and where to hit it, nothing; dead, dead, dead. So one of the people at Screen Gems said "This is the worst, those guys...." he was so angry at them. What it was, was that there were two agencies there, and neither one was going to let the other one know they were enjoying it. But I pitched it for eight straight weeks and nobody bought it. So after sitting in New York just wearing out, you know really wearing out. Pitch, pitch, pitch, sometimes five a day. So finally on the very last day I pitched it to ABC, which was a young daring network willing to try new things, and bought the show in 15 minutes. Thank goodness, because this was the very last day and if they hadn't bought it I would have taken everything down, put it in the archives and never pitched it again. Sometimes I wake up in a cold-sweat thinking this is how close you get to disaster."

"Son loves Mother, sweet romance. Poor old father has no pants."

"Tress MacNeille — Humphrey the Hippo, Various"

"Kath Soucie — Various"

"Russi Taylor — Penny Tompkins"

"Park Overall — Alice Tompkins"

"Charles Napier — Duke Phillips"

"Rhea Perlman — Ardeth (season 2)"

"Brenda Vaccaro — Ardeth (season 1)"

"Nick Jameson — Vlada Veramirovich, Zoltan Veramirovich, Various"

"Maurice LaMarche — Jeremy Hawke, Shackleford, Principal Mangosuthu, Orson Welles, Howard Stern, Various"

"Doris Grau — Doris Grossman"

"Judith Ivey — Eleanor Sherman (née Wigglesworth)"

"Gerrit Graham — Franklin Sherman"

"Nancy Cartwright — Margo Sherman, Various"

"Christine Cavanaugh — Marty Sherman, Various"

"Jon Lovitz — Jay Sherman, Woody Allen, Various"

"Ronald Reagan: I do solemnly swear that as your president, I will goof off and eat candy."

"Dan Quayle: I'm Dan Quayle. I gotta go boom-boom."

"Jimmy Breslin: Tonight, we will honor the greatest writers in America with a modest 9x12 certificate and a check for three thousand dollars. Three thousand dollars?! Stephen King makes that for writing "Boo" on a cocktail napkin!"

"William Shatner: Hello, I'm William Shatner, and this is Celebrity 911. Tonight, we devote the entire hour to police calls involving James Caan ... (Makes a face and looks up to the ceiling) CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

"Al Pacino: (On the phone) Hoo-ha! Jay, it's Al Pacino. Hoo-ha! I can't stop saying Hoo-ha! Keep that in mind when you review my next film, The Godfather Part Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha."

"Adam West: Well Jay, one of my most amazing films is The Happy Hooker Goes To Hollywood. It came out in 1980, it's one I'm sure you enjoyed all the way to the end."

"Keanu Reeves: (In The Merchant of Venice) Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us, do we not get bummed? If we eat bad guacamole, do we not blow chunks?"

"Orson Welles: A rich full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (Drinks)"

"Orson Welles: Rosebud ... Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness... wait, that's terrible, I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Scoops up a handful of peas and starts popping them in his mouth. Is now off-screen) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Makes eating sounds) Oh yeah."

"Gene Shalit: (On the phone with Jay) Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window."

"Satoshi, the Eater of Souls: Cookie Puss, I will eat your soul."

"Bribed Movie Critic: This movie is so good, it makes Hud look like C.H.U.D., and I loved C.H.U.D."

"From A Little Deb Will Do Ya"

"Dressmaker: Oopsie, I swallowed a pin. That's gonna be a fun little journey."

"Chicken Shack employee: You want a piece of me, fat boy? I'll spork your ass!"

"Adolph Hitmaker: If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus, or Rush Limbaugh."

"Cuban TV Announcer: We'll be back after this word from toilet paper, now in "rough" and "not-so-rough.""

"Jay's "inner child": (On the phone) Jay, this is your inner child. I escaped and I just robbed a liquor store. Gotta go!"

"Priest: I said questions, not wishes! I'm a priest not a genie!"

"Tobacco Company Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?"

"Today, Humphrey's gonna teach you all what happens when you get a lung removed: You get ice cream!"

"Please kids, my philosophy is "love and dance," not "hate and not dance.""

"(Singing) Ho Ho Ho, stick out your toe! Hee Hee Hee, stick out your knee!"