"I am sorry, Martin. You are not fit. From now on, you must go to remedial gym. (Opens door and moaning noises are heard) Oh wait, that’s remedial choir."

"Attention students: Auditions for Peter Pan are being (Helium voice) held in the auditorium! (Normal voice) Stupid helium!"

"(After Bill Clinton falls through a floor) I’m sure we all appreciate President Clinton’s ground-breaking message!"

"No pressure Marty, but the Pope and Nelson Mandela are in the audience, and they came to party!"

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your ex-wife. Your alimony check is eighteen minutes late. Nope, nineteen minutes. That's it, I'm calling my lawyer!"

"We raised a great kid."

"You’re just as bad a father as you were a lover."

"The judge said every time you talk to me, it costs you a hundred dollars."

"I don’t know why I ever married you. (zoom out to reveal they're at their own wedding)"

"Oh! It time for Humphrey the Hippo!"

"(Praying at her bed) God bless Daddy, and Uncle Bisquick, and please give Momma the butt-lift Aunt Randa says she needs so desperately."

"(To Jay in a maternity dress) Are you gonna have puppies?"

"Funny man!"

"I think you should know a little about my sister before she gets here. Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job."

"Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life. There was this one boy back in college – dealt drugs, went to jail – yet today he's the star of Home Improvement."

"Oh Jay, you're the sweetest man who ever called me a super freak."

"Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a schmendrick.""

"(Jay introduces Alice to Duke Phillips) It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation: "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?""

"Sorry. I hate not being friendly, but this is New York."

"It's just a gun for God's sake, not a bloody Xerox machine!"

"I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't a student film actually, although it had several women dressed as cheerleaders. I played Professor Spankum."

"(after Jay tells Jeremy that he's going to marry Valerie Fox): Bubbe, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image awards. Two things I've learned from experience."

"Kiss my surprisingly firm butt."

"(Takes a deep breath) Mmmm ... smoke. (Walks in a room on fire) It looks like Hell, but it smells like Heaven."

"(Watching the musical "Hunch") I shaved for this?"

"(On the phone) Jay, it’s Doris. I’m at the morgue. Could you come down and tell them I’m not dead? They don’t believe me."

"(Describing himself on a talk show) I'm a self made billionaire. The only person who can bribe me is a Bazillionaire."

"What is this? Annoy The Billionaire Day?!"

"Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! ... VOTE FOR DUKE!"

"Bazooka Duke says CHEW ON THIS!"

"Make him SQUEAL!"

"(A statue of Duke chanting) All hail Duke! Duke is life!"

"(Picks up his cell phone) Get Webster on the phone. (On the phone with Noah Webster) Noah, how are you doin'? It's Duke. How much would it cost to make "Quyzbuk" a word? I don't know what it means, uh, how about "a big problem?" Great! How about that other word I invented, "Dukelicious?" No one's using it? What a Duketastrophe."

"That's it! I'll run for president! Drop a whole mess a' bombs and put Merle Haggard on the Supreme Court!"

"I can do anything I want. If I want Citizen Kanes last word to be "schwing," then that's what it's gonna be! I'm a god I tell you! A go-- (Clutches his chest in pain, falls to the floor and believes he is dying) Rosebud ... I mean "schwing!""

"(About his new movie) Do you know how much it costs to get Saddam Hussein to play himself?"

"I came here to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong, and beg you to come back to work for me again. But then I figured I'd take a moral shortcut and write you a check."

"Jay, you got a very valid point. But on the other hand, shut up!"

"(On the phone) Hello Jay, this is your boss. I've just obtained legal permission to hunt men for sport, and I wondered if you'd like to come to my ranch tomorrow. Bring your jogging shoes."

"Why the hell do you have to be so critical?"

"(While watching the Pulitzer Prize ceremony) This is the worst production of Porgy and Bess I’ve ever seen."

"Hey, hey, hey, it's Fat Albert! How-buh are-buh you-buh do-bing?"

"Keep it down Son. I'm trying to make it rain Harvey's Bristol Cream."

"Nothing turns on the chicks like The Human Fly...or was that Spanish Fly?"

"I can't die like this! I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear!"

"(After being hit on the head by a heavy ball) Skull cracked, brains leaking out, can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie."

"(Jay's poem to Alice, which he reads to her) The woman I love will be my best friend. We'll make each other laugh, and I'll never be lonely again. Her name will be Alice, and she'll have a sweet Southern accent, and I hope she'll love me too."

"I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC ... for about a week."

"(A speaking cardboard figure of Jay waving a book) Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!"

"(After being pepper sprayed) Mmmm, jalapeno!"