"[First lines] On August 18, 1973, Sally Hardesty, her invalid brother Franklin, and their friends fell afoul of a bizarre, cannibalistic clan of serial predators. Ms. Hardesty was the sole survivor of that night of terror. She died in a private health care facility in 1977. A single member of the murderous "family" lived to see trial. The prosecution recorded his name as W.E. Sawyer. He died in the gas chamber in 1981. The jurors concluded that "Leatherface", presumed to be an unapprehended killer, was in fact an alternate personality of Sawyer's, activated whenever he donned a crude mask made of human flesh. If there was no Leatherface in reality, then Sally Hardesty may at last rest in peace... If there actually was a Leatherface, he remains at large, and the so-called "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" . . . was only the beginning."

"Ken Evert — Grandpa Sawyer"

"Chris Douridas — Gunner/Rick"

"Bill Johnson — Leatherface"

"Lou Perryman — L. G. McPeters"

"Bill Moseley — "Chop Top" Sawyer"

"Jim Siedow — Drayton Sawyer"

"Caroline Williams — Vanita "Stretch" Brock"

"Dennis Hopper — Texas Ranger Lt. Boude "Lefty" Enright"

"After a decade of silence... The buzzz is back!"

"Just had another cursin' caller. Your little ass is gonna be in big trouble with that tape girl."

"I love this town. This town loves prime meat."

"What the hell's going on here? That the American way of entering a man's home?"

"It's a dog eat dog world and from where I sit there just ain't enough damn dogs!"

"You coonshits, you fudge packers, you'll be the death of me yet!"

"The small businessman... always, always, always gets it in the ass."

"I wouldn't wish this rotten life off on a one-eyed ferret with mange."

"[when asked the secret of his successful chili] No secret, it's the meat. Don't skimp on the meat. I've got a real good eye for prime meat. Runs in the family."

"[to Leatherface] You have one choice, boy: sex or the saw. Sex is, well, nobody knows. But the saw, the saw is family."

"[hitting L.G. in the head with a hammer] Incoming mail!"

"[When swinging for Stretch, Leatherface hits Chop Top on his head with the chainsaw by accident, exposing his metal place cover] Her, not me you dumbass! Leatherface, you bitch! Look what you did to my Sonny Bono wig do... oh, goddamn I can't believe it! You gonna have to buy me a new plate cover! You gonna have to buy me a new plate cover, Leatherface! Oh... I'm gonna have to go back to the VA hospital to get me a new plate cover!"

"Burn her like a rat. Burn her like a rat."

"Dog will hunt. Get that bitch, Leatherface. Get that bitch! [laughs] Dog will hunt."

"[First lines] On the afternoon of August 18, 1973, five young people in a Volkswagen van ran out of gas on a farm road in South Texas. Four of them were never seen again. The next morning the one survivor, Sally Hardesty-Enright, was picked up on a roadside, blood-caked and screaming murder. Sally said she had broken out of a window in Hell. The girl babbled a mad tale: a cannibal family in an isolated farmhouse... chainsawed fingers and bones... her brother, her friends hacked up for barbecue... chairs made of human skeletons... Then she sank into catatonia. Texas lawmen mounted a month-long manhunt, but could not locate the macabre farmhouse. They could find no killers and no victims. No facts; no crime. Officially, on the records, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre never happened. But during the last 13 years, over and over again reports of bizarre, grisly chainsaw mass-murders have persisted all across the state of Texas. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre has not stopped. It haunts Texas. It seems to have no end."

"13 hours in a bag with a farting dog?"

"Gregg Berger (vocal effects; uncredited) — Odie"

"Joe Pasquale — Voice of the Claudius"

"Vinnie Jones — Voice of Rommel"

"Oliver Muirhead — Mr. Greene"

"Rhys Ifans — Voice of McBunny"

"Lucy Davis — Ms. Westminister"

"Roger Rees — Mr. Hobbs"

"Ian Abercrombie — Smithee"

"Bob Hoskins — Voice of Winston"

"Tim Curry — Voice of Prince the 12th"

"Billy Connolly — Lord Dargis"

"Jennifer Love Hewitt — Liz"

"Breckin Meyer — Jon"

"Bill Murray — Voice of Garfield"

"They made a movie after that second miscarriage, that went directly to video. So they sort of shot themselves in the foot, the kidneys, the liver and the pancreas on the second one. If you had a finer mind working on them? The girl, Jennifer Love-Hewitt, she was sweet. In the second movie they dressed her like a homeless person. You knew it wasn't gonna go well."

"Garfield? What the devil is a Garfield?"

"Oh, dear heaven. Why is it the weird ones always go for the cat and not the dog?"

"[holds up lasagna plate] Please, sir, may I have some more?"

"Liz is a girl. No, worse. She's a girl-vet."

"Odie, no! Don't do the ugly-American thing!"

"Oh, dear. Why is it the weird ones always go for the cat and not the dog?"