"Bob Hope: [finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers] When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets."

"Bob: Welcome to the Lucky Strike Program. In just a few minutes, you'll see our star, Gypsy Rose Benny."

"Jack: [poking his head through the stage curtains] Bob, will you please give me my pants back?"

"Bob Hope: Put your head back through there, or I'll start handing out baseballs to the audience."

"Don Wilson: [Poking his head through the curtains] Bob, Bob, quick, give me Jack's pants!"

"Bob Hope: Why do you want Jack's pants?"

"Don Wilson: Because I had to give him mine."

"Hope: You mean, Jack's actually wearing your pants?"

"Jack: [out of shot] Darn right I am."

"Bob: This is rather strange for me, I'm on the major network. [mouths ABC]"

"Bob: [about Bing Crosby] He's up in Nevada looking over Boulder Dam - his piggy bank is filled. He's so loaded, you know, he uses Howard Hughes for a bell boy."

"Jack: These last 2 miles were rugged, weren't they?"

"Clyde: I knew as soon as we got off the freeway, we'd run into trouble."

"Jack: It's really dangerous, here in the jungle."

"Clyde: You're telling me. What about those first three nights, we had to light fires to keep the animals away."

"Jack: Yeah, then we ran out of water. For three weeks we couldn't even take a bath."

"Clyde: Then the animals lit fires to keep us away."

"Jack: [Pointing to the tiger] He must have gone to a veterinarian in Denmark."

"Clyde: I wondered why he had his hand on his hip when I shot him."

"Jack: What kind of tiger is that - Siberian or Bengal?"

"Clyde: General Electric."

"Jack: I'm scared, I'm frightened."

"'Clyde:' Frightened. Why, you yellow-belly. Do you want to live forever?"

"Jack: No, I just want to reach 40."

"Clyde: Oh, we're not going to make that trip again, oh no."

"Jack: [pointing a pistol at Bob's trousers] I'm going to blow your brains out."

"Bob Hope: Let's not do any jokes we didn't plan on, eh."

"For a man who was the undisputed master of comedy timing, you'd have to say that this was the only time when Jack Benny's timing was all wrong. He left us much too soon. He was stingy to the end. He only gave us eighty years and it wasn't enough."

"Throughout Jack's violin solo at the Hollywood Bowl, the audience was glued to their seats. That was the only way he could get them to sit down."

"People of color have had to unlearn the assumption that racism is individual, that it is primarily a question of individual attitudes that can be dealt with through sensitivity training. You remember that Don Imus called the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hoes" about five years ago? Five years later he's rehabilitated! But of course this doesn't compensate for the fact that Troy Davis is dead, his life claimed by the most racist of all of our institutions, capital punishment. No amount of psychological therapy or group training can effectively address racism in this country, unless we also begin to dismantle the structures of racism."

"I'm Howard Stern with a vocabulary. I'm the man he wishes he could be. Yes, Howard Stern is a slut. He's a bastard, too. Worse--a Jew bastard! That's the worst kind. Put him in the oven."

"Charles: This is the Imus in the Morning radio program. Imus: I'm hearin' you baby. Charles: Yeah! Imus: Where we at? Charles: On WFAN New York. Imus: Hear that. Charles: You know what I'm sayin'? Imus Yeah. Charles: Seven o'clock Eastern Time, and time ImusWhy are we talking like fourteen year old black children? Charles Because we're racist? Imus: Yes. Yeah. Charles: Because we're stupid? Imus: Beyond stupid. Senile and stupid. And lame Charles: Oh, please. Good lord."

"...and on MSNBC all over the world. Now, uhh, because it's available all over the world, doesn't mean, by the way, that anybody's watchin' it. Am I right Charles?""

"Well, June is, uh, National Dairy Month, and I'll be milking Deirdre later... Ain't that right baby."

"This is the Imus in the Morning program, We're not happy 'till you're not happy."

"I would rather go to Baghdad than go to a professional basketball game."

"I'm gonna say that I've had some incredibly unholy thoughts about you."

"Since World War Two, Britain's elite has suffered from a collective collapse of cultural nerve. Many things contributed: postwar exhaustion, the collapse of the British Empire (and therefore of national purpose), and post-colonial flagellatory guilt of the kind that white western liberals have made their specialty. This left the British establishment vulnerable to the revolutionary ideology of the New Left, at the core of which lay a hatred of western society. As a consequence, the British elite decided not only that the British nation was an embarrassment but also that the very idea of the nation was an anachronism."

"At the heart of multiculturalism lies a radical egalitarianism by which everyone's culture and lifestyle has equal validity and moral stature. The consequence is that people are increasingly unable to make moral distinctions based on behaviour. Instead, minorities of all kinds -- ethnic, religious, sexual -- are not held responsible for their misdeeds because they are perceived as a victim class. So the majority are held responsible instead."

"A continuum links peaceful law-abiding ideological Muslims at one end and murderous jihadists at the other."

"The UN was created out of the experience of World War II to defend life, liberty and human rights. Yet now it is providing a global platform for a further demonization and dehumanization of the Jewish people, and the willed extinction of their right to their own homeland. The platform it gives to the NGOs’ global Jew-bashing army is all of a piece with the UN’s own obsessional and deranged hatred of Israel."

"Yet having been inculcated with the unchallengeable belief that they are victims of white society, too many black people believe that any disadvantage they may suffer is not the result of bad luck, circumstances beyond anyone's control or their own behaviour but must be the product of white racism."

"Israel has been at war many times. It has experienced many terrorist atrocities and many thousands of rocket attacks. This was something different. Barbarism and depravity against Jews on this scale hasn't been experienced since the Holocaust. In a country that arose from the ashes of that genocide, the spectacle of Jews being dragged from their homes to be slaughtered, raped or captured, with desperate parents throwing themselves on their children to protect them, was unspeakable. This wasn't simply terrorism. This was a pogrom."

""A leftie who saw the light" was the Daily Mail headline over the serialisation of her memoirs earlier this week. But "light" is not the most apt word for what Melanie Phillips sees. There is a lot of dark in her world, a lot of people with moral shortcomings, a lot of hate. It does not seem to be much fun being Melanie Phillips, but she marches on, undaunted."

"The Mail writer Melanie Phillips continued stridently plugging the anti-MMR bogus science even when Wakefield's paper was comprehensively dismissed by an authoritative Cochrane review. Shortly after the review found there was "no credible evidence" for a link between MMR and autism in 2005, the Mail published a feature by Phillips claiming "MMR safe? Baloney. This is one scandal that’s getting worse". No surprise that she has also called the science on global heating a "scam"."

"I find that Muslims are often allies. Their critique offers a salutary contrast to western indifference and inertia. Muslims rightly condemn the collapse of western moral authority, the failure of nerve that has created our epidemics of crime, drug abuse, family breakdown and promiscuity. They are right to be horrified at the wholesale destruction of the sacred, and the worship instead of consumer choice. They are right to point to the meaninglessness and vacuity of secular society, its arrogance and the paralysis of its institutions. This is, after all, why so many are turning to fundamentalism in Christianity and Judaism as well as Islam."