"The tabloids are like animals, with their own behavioural patterns. There’s no point in complaining about them, any more than complaining that lions might eat you."

"Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick-skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge."

"And I'd like to say this to [Sir James Goldsmith] ... who has got nothing to be smug about, and I would like to say that 1,500 votes is a derisory total. We have shown tonight that the Referendum Party is dead in the water, and Sir James can get off back to Mexico knowing your attempt to buy the British political system has failed."

"There is no design involved. It would look tawdry down the wrong end of a beach in Torremolinos. This isn't a case of just not wanting it in my backyard. This area is historically significant with listed buildings and it's next to the Tower of London, which is a world heritage site."

"The Minister for Fun."

"Since the great days of Jimmy Greaves, it's the only time anyone's managed to score five times in a Chelsea shirt."

"This is the first time in ages that David Mellor has done the decent thing."

"Mugger: Your money or your life."

"Mugger: Look bud. I said, your money or your life."

"Jack: I'm thinking it over!"

"Bob Crosby: That's like keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles."

"Don Wilson: I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for?"

"Jack: Don, you're hanging yourself."

"Jack: I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them."

"Jack: When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it."

"Jack: When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here. [Puts hand on heart]"

"Rochester: Yes, that's the spot all right. You almost had a heart attack when they laughed at Bob Hope."

"Liberace: What do we have for dinner?"

"Cook: We have some breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks."

"Jack: Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks?"

"Liberace: Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?"

"Jack: Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me."

"Marilyn Monroe: What about the difference in our ages?"

"Jack: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine."

"Marilyn Monroe: I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I'm fifty and you're thirty-nine?"

"Jack: Gee, I never thought of that."

"Jack: I can't understand it. On your show you always win."

"Perry Mason: Maybe my writers are better than yours."

"Jack: What do you think of this card I wrote for Don? "To Don from Jacky, Oh golly, oh shucks. I hope that you like it, It cost forty bucks."

"Rochester: It would've been hard to rhyme a dollar ninety-eight."

"Jack Benny: We're a little late, so good night, folks."

"Jack Benny: Where's that big glass star I told you to pack away last Christmas?"

"Rochester: You mean that shiny one with the three points on it?"

"Jack Benny: That star has five points."

"Rochester: Well, it went down two points this last year."

"Thug: This is a stickup! Now come on. Your money or your life."

"Thug: [repeating] Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'"

"Jack Benny: I'm thinking I'm thinking!"

"Thug: You're gonna give us $10,000, or we're gonna break both your legs."

"Jack Benny: Does it have to be both?"

"Jack: Hey, wait a minute. What kind of make up is this?"

"Rochester: Well, you said you wanted something to make you look nice and tanned."

"Jack: I know, but peanut butter?"

"Rochester: [checking his equipment] Shaving cream, brush, razor, smelling salts."

"Jack: Smell?... What do I want with smelling salts?"

"Rochester: That's for me. I can't stand the sight of blood."

"Rochester: Oh oh."

"Jack: What's the matter?"

"Rochester: I think I cut you."