"[On the way to his brother's] Oh boy, those kids. I haven't seen those kids in a while. Tia's gotta be nine. Nine, maybe ten. Oh boy. And the two new ones. They're uh... Larry and... uh... Larry and, uh... Uh... Betsy. Betsy, uh... Jennifer. Jennifer. Larry and Jennifer. Nice kids."

"[struggling to open the washing machine] Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! OPEN UP! UUGGHH! I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not!"

"Gaby Hoffmann - Maizy Russell"

"[Imitating a radio DJ while making breakfast] It’s 7:02 in the a.m., you’re listening to “W-I-don’t-have-to-go-to-work-today” brought to you by Kobolowski Tires. For the best in tires see Chanice! Kobolowski."

"Jean Louisa Kelly - Tia Russell"

"John Candy - Buck Russell"

"E. Roger Cogswell: [to Buck] You gotta let somebody know where you are. I've been checking car trunks for your corpse."

"Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I'm single again, but I never bothered to remove the frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen."

"Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?"

"[to her mother] If my whole family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too."

"[They're eating Chinese take-out] This is such a wonderful dinner, Mother. How DO you find the time?"

"[serving gigantic pancakes to Miles for his birthday] You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door!"

"[to Maizy's principal] I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam."

"Jay Underwood - Bug"

"Laurie Metcalf - Marcie Dahlgren-Frost"

"Garrett M. Brown - Bob Russell"

"Elaine Bromka - Cindy Russell"

"Amy Madigan - Chanice Kobolowski"

"Macaulay Culkin - Miles Russell"

"Madeleine Stowe - Gracie"

"Jon Stewart - Trent"

"Gena Rowlands - Hannah"

"Dennis Quaid - Hugh"

"Ryan Phillippe - Keenan"

"Jay Mohr - Mark"

"Angelina Jolie - Joan"

"Anthony Edwards - Roger"

"Sean Connery - Paul"

"Ellen Burstyn - Mildred"

"Gillian Anderson - Meredith"

"The sexy comedy with a twist."

"The comedy with a twist."

"If romance is a mystery, there's only one way to figure it out."

"I should be alone. Alone in hell. That's where I am."

"You should write these kiss-offs down. How to crush a woman's soul in ten words or less. That was ten, wasn't it? [counting] You're-terrific-Sensational-really-but-I'm-not-right-for-you. Yep. Ten."

"[on the phone] The lad doesn't say much, and when he does, he finds just the right words to crush my soul. Of course I'm crazy about him."

"I said you look like a man in need of a coke."

"If I have to wear a tux, she has to wear a bra."

"You know, I never knew what love was until I met your mother. And by then it was too late."

"[to Dan] What if in a few years we don't marry some corporate lawyer? What if we marry some meatball, like you? Or not you, personally, but someone with similarly low socioeconomic prospects."

"Frank Vincent - Ron"

"Anita Gillette - Carol"

"Amanda Peet - Molly"

"Leslie Mann - Connie"

"Malachy McCourt - Tom"