"I've been in this business for 20 years Andy, I've seen this...I KNOW this...if you pass up an opportunity like this one, I promise you...you will NEVER see another one like it again...EVER!"

"You're insane...but you might also be brilliant."

"FUCK YOU! I'M NOT GOIN!"

"So... ya wanna see Andy? Anybody gotta flashlight and a couple of shovels?"

"If you guys ever go to Vegas...YOU'RE NOT GETTIN' IN!"

"How about a bathroom? I may of shit my pants!"

"OK, bullshit bullshit my line, bullshit bullshit my line, AHHHHH!"

"You almost sat in some cottage cheese. Oh pardon me, that's your ass."

"Whoopdie doo, whoopdie die...stick a needle in your eye!"

"Do you want to move in with me?"

"I'm sick of this shit, Lawler. I'm gonna sue you, I'm gonna sue you for everything you got, I swear to God. Fuck you! Okay? Okay, Lawler? FUCK YOU! I'm sorry, Dave. I know I'm not supposed to use those words on television. I can't say those words. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! But, you, you are a (bleep)ing, (bleep)ing (bleep)hole! Okay?!"

"I'm not a comedian. I don't wanna go for cheap laughs."

"Murray, you've got a rotten reputation. Even these guys weren't easy to grab. Why do you have to build your own personal blacklist? Why can't you just get blacklisted as a Communist like everybody else?"

"Barry Gordon — Nick"

"William Daniels — Albert Amundson"

"Gene Saks — Leo Herman"

"Martin Balsam — Arnold Burns"

"Barbara Harris — Dr. Sandra Markowitz"

"Jason Robards — Murray Burns"

"My simple child reaction of what you did is that you are not funny. Funnier than you is even Stuart Schlossman, who is my friend, and is eleven, and puts walnuts in his mouth and makes noises. What is not funny is to call us names, and what is mostly not funny is how sad you are, and I'd feel sorry for you if it wasn't for how dull you are. And those are the worst-tasting potato chips that I've ever tasted. And that's my opinion from the blue, blue sky."

"Aw, Sandy, that's the most you should expect from life, a really good apology for all the things you won't get."

"If things aren't funny then they're exactly what they are; and then they're like a long dental appointment."

"You might call Nick a bastard... or a little bastard, depending on how whimsical you feel at the time."

"Irving R. Feldman's birthday is my own personal national holiday. I did not open it up for the public. He is proprietor of perhaps the most distinguished kosher delicatessen in our neighborhood, and, as such, I hold the day of his birth in reverence."

"Lily Tomlin - Linnea Reese"

"Howard K. Smith - Himself"

"Keenan Wynn - Mr. Green"

"Gwen Welles - Sueleen Gay"

"Keith Carradine - Tom Frank"

"Timothy Brown - Tommy Brown"

"Ronee Blakley - Barbara Jean"

"Karen Black - Connie White"

"Ned Beatty - Delbert Reese"

"Barbara Baxley - Lady Pearl"

"The damnedest thing you ever saw!"

"The Home of Country Music"

"Wild. Wonderful. Sinful. Laughing. Explosive."

"A little more than a year ago, a man named Hal Phillip Walker excited a group of college students with some questions. Have you stood on a high and windy hill and heard the acorns drop and roll? Have you walked in the valley beside the brook? Have you walked alone and remembered? Does Christmas smell like oranges to you? Within a commencement speech, such questions were fitting, perhaps, but hardly the material with which to launch a presidential campaign. Even those who pay close attention to politics probably saw Hal Phillip Walker and his Replacement Party as a bit of frost on the hillsides. Summer, if not late spring, would surely do away with all that. Well, now that summer along with presidential primaries is heavy upon us and the frost is still there, perhaps we should take a closer look. Hal Phillip Walker is, in a way, a mystery man. Out of nowhere with a handful of students and scarcely any pros, he's managed to win three presidential primaries and is given a fighting chance to take a fourth - Tennessee. A win in that state would take on added significance, for only once in the last fifty years has Tennessee failed to vote for the winning presidential candidate. No doubt many Americans, especially party-liners, wish that Hal Phillip Walker would go away, disappear like the natural frost and come again at some more convenient season. But wherever he may be going, it seems sure that Hal Phillip Walker is not going away. For there is genuine appeal and it must be related to the raw courage of this man. Running for President, willing to battle vast oil companies, eliminate subsidies to farmers, tax churches, abolish the Electoral College, change the National Anthem, and remove lawyers from government - especially from Congress. Well at this point, it would be wise to say most of us don't know the answer to Hal Phillip Walker. But to answer one of his questions, as a matter of fact, Christmas has always smelled like oranges to me."

"I have a theory about political assassination. You see, I believe that people like Madame Pearl and all these people here in this country who carry guns are the real assassins. Because you see, they stimulate other people who are perhaps innocent and who eventually are the ones who pull the trigger."

"Does it make sense that the churches should remain untaxed on their vast holdings of land and corporate investments? Does it makes sense that a multi-million dollar income should go untaxed year after year? Know all will not be easy, but we will bask in the satisfaction of having done what we should have done, and if we don't get it done today, we may run out of tomorrows."

"Who do you think is running Congress? Farmers? Engineers? Teachers? Businessmen? No, my friends. Congress is run by lawyers. A lawyer is trained for two things and two things only. To clarify – that's one. And to confuse – that's the other. He does whichever is to his client's advantage. Did you ever ask a lawyer the time of day? He told you how to make a watch, didn't he? Ever ask a lawyer how to get to Mr. Jones' house in the country? You got lost, didn't you? Congress is composed of 535 individuals. Two hundred and eighty-eight are lawyers. And you wonder what's wrong in Congress. No wonder we often know how to make a watch, but we don't know the time of day."

"There is no question about being involved. The question is what to do. It is the very nature of government to strain at a man who swallowed a camel. As loyal citizens, we accept our take-home pay, understand most of the deductions, and even, to a degree, come to expect them. However, when the government begins to force its citizens to swallow the camel, it's time to pause and do some accounting."