"[watching passing teenaged girls] They're great at that age, ain't they? All those discoveries ahead of 'em. You're lucky, Counselor. My own daughter, she don't even know me. After I went inside, her mama told her I was dead - which, in a way, I was."

"I learned to read during my stretch. First, Spot Goes to the Farm, then Runaway Bunny, then law books mostly. Did you know that after I discharged you, I acted as my own attorney? Applied several times for an appeal. Mm-hmm. So, here we are - two lawyers, for all practical purposes, talking shop."

"What you gonna do, arrest me? You a cop? Or were you a cop? Or were you not good enough to remain on the force, cause you know what? That's the feelin' I'm gettin' here."

"It's not necessary to lay a foul tongue on me, my friend. I could get upset. Things could get out of hand. Then in self defense, I could do something to you that you would not like, right here."

"[from TV spot] One man's freedom becomes another man's fear."

"[from TV spot] There is a darkness in every soul, where evil waits."

"Robert De Niro - Max Cady"

"Nick Nolte - Sam Bowden"

"Ben Stein - Economics Teacher"

"Claudia Schiffer - Herself"

"Serena Berman - Young Dot"

"Stephi Lineburg - Gloria Pazinski"

"Joel Robinson - Omar"

"Jonathan Hilario - Pee Wee"

"Mike McShane - Professor Keenbean"

"Chelcie Ross - Ferguson"

"Edward Herrmann - Isaiah Polkadots"

"Christine Ebersole - Regina Polkadots"

"Reggie Jackson - Himself"

"Jonathan Hyde - Herbert Arthur Runcible Cadbury"

"Mariangela Pino - Diane Pazinski"

"[to Ferguson] Not me, you imbecile, them!"

"[Last words in the film] Hey, screw. Fetch."

"[Last words in the film] Aren't you gonna throw it back?"

"Without the inventions, the butler, and the private fast-food restaurant...he's just a normal 12-year-old billionaire."

"[Annoyed with his chauffeur after stepping out of his limo and into a puddle] 37-and-a-half miles of driveway, and you park in the 5 feet with a puddle!"

"Well... I'm already wanted for attempted murder, escaping from jail, and blowing up an aircraft. Breaking and entering sounds right up my alley. Let's kick some butt, shall we?"

"Not so fast!"

"If I had my choice of weapons with you, Sir, I'd choose grammar."

"Five buddies, one butler, and a dog on an adventure so big... Even the world's richest kid can't afford to miss it."

"Mr. Van Dough, you're fired!"

"John Larroquette - Laurence Van Dough"

"Haley Peel - Dot Polkadots"

"[After the laser gun has destroyed her nose on Mount Richmore] Oh, my God! My nose! I look like Michael Jackson!"

"David Nicholls - Captain Flint"

"Steve Whitmire -"

"Frank Oz - :"

"Billy Connolly - Billy Bones"

"Kevin Bishop - Jim Hawkins"

"Tim Curry - Long John Silver"

"Dave Goelz -"

"Jennifer Saunders - Mrs. Bluveridge"

"Enough with this singing! Rum! I need rum, lads! I've got a horrors! Give me rum! Rum 'til I float!"

"THE BLACK SPOT!!"

"I was Flint's first mate that voyage...three days east of Tortola in the Caribie, Flint knew an island. That's where we buried the treasure. Gold and blood; they were Flint's trademarks. He'd leave both behind him, that day."

"Oh, aye. Fifteen men went ashore that day...and only Flint, his own self, returned. Oh, aye, and then old Flinty...up and died afore they could get back to that cursed island, and dig up the treasure. No one knows to this day who has old Flint's map. Now, isn't that a story worth the hearing?"

"The Black Spot's a pirate's death sentence! They'll be coming to kill me... TONIGHT!!"