"Shep Proudfoot: [beating Carl violently] Fucking little fucking weasel! Fuck you! You fucking motherfucking son of a fucking bitching fucking cunt! Jesus fucking Christ you fucking shitfuckbag motherfucker!"

"Mike Yanagita: So ya went and married Norm Son-of-a-Gunderson!"

"Mike Yanagita: Ya know, it's the Radisson, so it's pretty good."

"Wade Gustafson: Look, Jerry, you're not selling me a damn car. It's my show here."

"Wade Gustafson: It's my money. I'll deliver it - what do they care?...They want my money, they can deal with me."

"Gaear Grimsrud: You're a smooth, smoothie, yah know?"

"Stay away from me, man! Hey, go smoke a fuckin' peace pipe!"

"Shep! What the hell are you doing! I was bangin' that girl!"

"Just in town on business. Just in and out. Ha. Just a little of the old in-and-out."

"Keep it still back there, lady, or else we're gonna have to, ya know, to shoot ya."

"Would you crack the fuckin' window open, man. You know, it's proven that second-hand smoke is, uh, carcin-... uh, you know, a cancer agent."

"I answered the darn - I'm cooperating here!"

"[Practices calling Wade] Yah, Wade, It's Jerry, I... Yah, Wade, it's, I, it's Jerry... I don't know what to do it's Jean. I don't know what to do it's my wife. I don't know what to do it's Jean. Wade, it's Jerry, I... Wade, it's Jerry! We gotta talk! Oh, geez, it's terrible... [calls the number] Yah, Wade Gustafson, please."

"So that was Mrs. Lundegaard on the floor in there. And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. And those three people in Brainerd. And for what? For a little bit of money. There's more to life than a little money, you know. Don't you know that? And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day. Well, I just don't understand it."

"[repeated line] Mind if I sit down? I'm carrying quite a load here."

"[after her husband, Norm, kisses her] Ya got Arby's all over me."

"[on the phone] Oh my. Where? Yeah? Aw geez. Okay, there in a jif. Real good, then."

"Cylk Cozart - Agent Lowry"

"Patrick Stewart - Dr. Jonas"

"Julia Roberts - Alice Sutton"

"Mel Gibson - Jerry Fletcher"

"Jerry Fletcher sees conspiracies everywhere. One has turned out to be true."

"If the intelligence world was a family, we'd be the uncle no one ever talks about."

"Jerry, you continually surprise me. Alice… I always seem to come between you and the men in your life."

"This will put my words in your mouth. [while drugging Jerry]"

"In one hour, I want to know what she eats, where she sleeps, the name of her kindergarten teacher, everything."

"I know I must share some of the blame for this. I wish it didn't have to be this way."

"Have you ever been in a place from which hope is gone? Where the only thing left... is patience?"

"We've been looking for you for a long time, Jerry."

"I believe you. He made great coffee."

"I'm turning into a Jerry."

"Is that supposed to protect you from aliens or something?"

"Do you know what it's like, Mister Willion, to think you know what happened, but to never be sure?"

"That guy is a restraining order waiting to happen. It's like he has a problem with the world."

"It's on the tip of my brain."

"Alice? I... I'm sorry you're dead."

"A good conspiracy is unprovable. I mean, if you can prove it, it means they screwed up somewhere along the line."

"You're after a man with no nose, not me! Not me!"