"[Riding her yak out in a desert wasteland] Listen up, 'cause I'm only tellin' you this once. I'm not a bedtime story lady, so pay attention. It's 2033. The world is screwed now. You see, a while ago, this humongous comet came crashing into the Earth. Bam! Total devastation. End of the world as we know it. No celebrities, no cable TV - no water! It hasn't rained in 11 years! Now, twenty people gotta squeeze inside the same bathtub... so it ain't all bad. That's me, the one in the mask. [referring to her yak] No, the other one in the mask. Today's my boyfriend's birthday, so I'm shopping for the perfect gift. Whatever I can scrounge up. [Spots Water ạṇd Power Corp. employee victims] Uh-oh, Ripper raptors. The Ripper are a demonic army of bloodthirsty, human-eating, purse-snatching mutant creatures. [Leans down on a victim] Witness exhibit A. Ugh, you are so dead. They're led by the infamous Johnny Prophet. They spend most of their time raidin' the WP. That's short for Water and Power. They control most of the water, and got all the power. Oh, wait. One last thing. My friends and me, we do not suck up to Water and Power. Yeah. we steal water, but as long as they don't find out, who gives a shit?"

"Jean Speegle Howard — Mrs. Phelps"

"Jon Lovitz — Mickey (host of The Million Dollar Sticky) (uncredited)"

"Marion Dugan — Cookie"

"Jacqueline Steiger — Amanda Thripp"

"Jimmy Karz — Bruce Bogtrotter"

"Brian Levinson — Michael "Mikey" Wormwood"

"Kira Spencer Hesser — Hortensia"

"Kiami Davael — Lavender"

"Tracey Walter — FBI Agent Bill"

"Paul Reubens — FBI Agent Bob"

"Pam Ferris — Agatha Trunchbull"

"Embeth Davidtz — Miss Jennifer "Jenny" Honey"

"Rhea Perlman — Zinnia Wormwood"

"Danny DeVito — Harry Wormwood / Narrator"

"Mara Wilson — Matilda Wormwood-Honey"

"Somewhere inside all of us is the power to change the world."

"Kids Rule!"

"A little magic goes a long way."

"[throwing marshmallows as Matilda was grabbing the book that was thrown] Hey, Dip face. Have a marshmallow. Have another marshmallow, Dip face. Dip face!"

"Hey, dip face, Have carrot!"

"Give me the cookies."

"Could you repeat the last one?"

"Well, it's hard for me to remember a specific cake."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"The Trunchbull used to be in the Olympics: Shot-put, javelin, hammer throw. The hammer throw was her specialty."

"You… will be put away in a place where not even the crows can land their droppings on you!"

"I am here to teach you all a lesson! [forcefully pushes a set of desks into the wall] Sometimes in life, horrible and unexplainable things happen. [kicks more desks into the wall] These things are a test of character! [pushes more desks into the wall] And I have character!"

"[on phone to Harry] WORMWOOD! You useless used-car salesman scum, I want you around here NOW! With another car! Yes, I know what caveat emptor means, you lowlife liar! I'm gonna sue you, I'm gonna burn down your showroom, I'm gonna take that no-good jalopy you sold me and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BAZOOKA! When I'm finished with you, you're gonna look like ROADKILL! You what?"

"I'll be watching you, each and every one. When you turn the corner, when you go to your little cubbies to get your smelly little coats, when you skip merrily to lunch, I'll be watching you. All of you! [pointing at Matilda] And especially you!"

"[to Matilda] You're a liar and a scoundrel, and your father's a liar and a cheat! You're the most corrupt lowlifes in the history of civilization! Am I wrong? I'm never wrong! In this classroom, in this school, I AM GOD!"

"[the kids giggle as they notice the newt in her glass of water] What’s funny? Hmm? Well, spit it out! Speak up! I like a joke as well as the next fat person!"

"WHY are all these women married?! Mrs. D? Mrs. I? You're supposed to be teaching spelling, not poetry!"

"Useless flaming CAR! [storms towards Matilda] Wormwood! Sell me a lemon? [drags her through the hallways] You're heading for the Chokey, young lady! [Matilda: The Chokey?!] Teach you a lesson! [Matilda: What lesson?!] You and your father think you can make a fool out of me! [Matilda: My father?] The guy with the stupid haircut! [Matilda: I'm nothing like my father!] You're the spitting image! The apple never rots far from the tree!"

"Shut up! The entire school will stay another FIVE HOURS after school and copy from the dictionary! Any child who object will go straight into the Chokey... TOGETHER!"

"Hop to, hippity-hop! The entire school will go to the assembly room, immediately. Sit!"

"The distance the shot put goes depends upon the effort you put into it! PERSPIRATION!"

"I need a car that is inexpensive, but reliable. Can you service me? [Harry: As a matter of speaking, yes. Welcome to Wormwood Motors. Harry Wormwood, owner, founder, whatever.] Agatha Trunchbull, principal, Crunchem Hall Elementary School. I warned you, sir. I want a tight car, because I'm on a tight ship. [Harry: Oh yeah, huh? Uh…] My school is a model of discipline. "Use the rod, beat the child". That's my motto. [Harry: Terrific motto.] Do you have any brats for yourself? [Harry: Yeah, I got a boy, Mikey, and one mistake, Matilda.] They're all mistakes, children. Filthy and nasty things. I'm glad I never was one. [Harry: Uh-huh. Well, since you're an educator, I'm gonna make you a great deal.] You'd better. [Harry: Let's do business!]"

"I'd be happy to walk her home. [Zinnia: Well, nobody will be there. We're moving to Guam. Come on. Let's go.] Guam?"

"Okay, listen up, everybody. Have a new student with us today. This is Matilda Wormwood. I'd like you to sit here with Lavender."

"Miss Trunchbull, I was the one who was at your house last night. I know that I-- [Miss Trunchbull: I broke your arm once before, I can do it again, Jenny.] I am not seven years old anymore, Aunt Trunchbull."

"Photographs of my mother and father, and a beautiful doll my mother gave me with a china face. Lissy Doll, I called her. Would you like some milk?"

"Because she's a spectacularly wonderful child and I love her."

"Look, Miss Snit, a girl does not get anywhere by acting intelligent! I mean, take a look at you and me. You chose books - I chose looks. I have a nice house, a wonderful husband... and you are slaving away teaching snot-nosed children their ABCs. You want Matilda to go to college?"

"Harry! I won! I won! I hit the double bingo! Come on, everybody. I'm taking you all to Café Le Ritz."

"[cutting off Harry's hat with scissors] I still don't see how you glued your hat on, Harry. I mean, I know you say you didn't, but obviously, you did."

"Mine are driving me crazy. I'll tell ya, six hours a day of school is not enough."

"I'm great. I'm incredible. Michael, pencil and paper in the kitchen."

"What're they gonna do? Repossess the kid?"

"You're a Wormwood, you start acting like one! Sit up and look at the TV!"