"You know, Barney, life is funny. One minute people are your best friends, and the next you're fantasizing they're being ripped apart by a pack of rabid wolves."

"[Miss Stone tells her she's heard so much about her] Well I wish that I could say the same."

"Fred! And promise me you won't say anything like you did when you saw my sister's baby."

"[After Fred needs a couple of Bucks] NOT THIS TIME!!!"

"[Fred says he's only one man] Not from the back."

"(An angry mob about to hang Fred asks him if he knows him) Well, he used to be my best friend. In fact, it's probably because of me that you all are in this mess. (Mob leader: Hang them both.)"

"Can I have everyone's attention, please? (Caveman: I hope it's not another poem)"

"[to Fred about getting a job as a vice president] That does it! The only reason you got that job is 'cause I switched tests with you."

"Come on, say "Dadda"! (Bamm-Bamm keeps saying his own name)"

"Someday, I'll pay him back! Someday, somehow."

"[The adoption agent shows them a monkey] Well, he's not really what we expected, but we'll love him like he was our own."

"[repeated line] Yabba-dabba-doo!"

"Catch the excitement. Catch the laughter. Catch the Hawk."

"Walter Olkewicz as Jerome "Romey" Clifford"

"Kimberly Scott as Doreen"

"William H. Macy as Dr. Greenway"

"Kim Coates as Paul Gronke"

"Ron Dean as Uncle Johnny Sulari"

"Dan Castellaneta as Slick Moeller"

"Will Patton as Sergeant Hardy"

"Ossie Davis as Judge Harry Rossevelt"

"Micole Mercurio as Momma Love"

"Bradley Whitford as Thomas Fink"

"Anthony Heald as Larry Trumann"

"J. T. Walsh as Jason McThune"

"Anthony LaPaglia as Barry "The Blade" Muldanno"

"David Speck as Ricky Sway"

"Mary Louise Parker as Dianne Sway"

"Brad Renfro as Mark Sway"

"Tommy Lee Jones as "Reverend" Roy Foltrigg"

"Susan Sarandon as Regina "Reggie" Love"

"Thanks, Reverend Roy. You've been a real pain in the ass."

"I don't want a lawyer, I hate lawyers. Every lawyer we had just shafted me and my mom. I said I need a lawyer."

"The court declared me unfit."

"I've been sober for three years."

"James Coburn - George Kaplan"

"Donald Burton - Alfred"

"Sandra Bernhard - Minerva Mayflower"

"Richard E. Grant - Darwin Mayflower"

"Andie MacDowell - Anna Baragli"

"Danny Aiello - Tommy Five-Tone"

"Bruce Willis - Hudson Hawk"

"Watch your step. Hold your breath. Hang on for dear life. And catch...the hawk."

"Catch the Excitement. Catch the Adventure. Catch the Hawk."

"Shy. Sensitive. Law-abiding. Polite. Respectful. - I don't think so."

"For this cat burglar, nine lives may just not be enough."

"Cardinal (in a confessional) Hit me with your best shot."

"Cardinal The Vatican has foiled the advances of pirates and terrorists. We will not lie down for some schmuck from New Jersey."

"(his dying words) MY PENSION!"