"History, tradition, culture... are not concepts! These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights! The chaos we will cause with this machine will be our final masterpiece!"

"If Da Vinci were alive today, he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked, in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us."

"I'll kill your friends, your family, and the bitch you took to the prom!"

"I'll torture you so slowly, you'll think it's a career."

"Money isn't everything - gold is. Fuck T-bills! Fuck blue chip stocks! Fuck junk bonds! We've got the real deal! Money will always be paper, but gold will always be GOLD!"

"This might be hard to believe, but I'm just a regular Joe. I just want to be happy. And happiness comes from the achievement of goals. It's just that when you've made your first billion by the age of 19, it's hard to keep coming up with new ones! But finally, I've got myself a new goal: WORLD DOMINATION!"

"What can I tell you? I'm the villain."

"(drugged) I feel like a dolphin who's never tasted melted snow. What does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows! (laughs) I must speak with the dolphins now. Eeeee-eeee-eee-eeeeeee!"

"That doughnut-hole-eating, son-of-a-bitch, take-it-in-the-ear-for-a-beer, rat bastard!"

"[after decapitating Alfred] You won't be attending that hat convention in July!"

"Hey! Old Man! Yeah, you! You come back here without your little Cub Scout army, and I'll kick your Centrally Intelligent Ass up one side of the piazza and down the other!"

"Hi, I'm being blackmailed into robbing Vatican City by a psychotic American corporation and the C.I.A.."

"How am I driving? 1-800-I'm-gonna-fucking-die!"

"If the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family, I'd say, "Kiss my ass." But considering your status, I will say, "Slurp my butt.""

"Yul Vazquez - Dead Head Gill Chavez"

"Reg Rogers - George "Bug Guy" Swilling"

"Donal Logue - Priest Brian Norris"

"Lisa Roberts Gillan - Elaine from Manhattan"

"Christopher Meloni - Bob Kelly"

"Paul Dooley - Walter Carpenter"

"Rita Wilson - Ellie Graham"

"Héctor Elizondo - Fisher"

"Joan Cusack - Peggy Flemming"

"Richard Gere - Homer "Ike" Eisenhower Graham"

"Julia Roberts - Margaret "Maggie" Carpenter"

"Dear Editor: Greetings from the sticks. Perhaps you believe that a rural education is focused mainly on hog calling and tractor maintenance rather than reading. Why else would you print a piece of fiction about me and call it fact? I suppose Mr.Graham was too busy thinking up slanderous statements about how I dump men for kicks to bother with something silly like accuracy in reporting, which is understandable because with a man-eater like me on the loose, who has time to check facts? That's why I was surprised to find Mr. Graham's editor was a woman. Call me a sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped we man-eaters could stick together. Anyway, I'm just dropping you big-city folk this little note to say that I have thought of a ritual sacrifice that would satisfy my current appetite: Ike Graham's column on a platter. Yours truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S., I have enclosed a list of the gross factual misinterpretations in your article. There are fifteen."

"There is a distinct possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up."

"You're a cynical, explotive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit."

"A toast to, uh to Maggie's family and friends. May you find yourselves the bulls-eye of an easy target. May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices. And may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes."

"So, um, may be you and I should, you know, what do you think, Huh?"

"Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me."

"Don't tell me. My doorman's another one of your admirers."

"How do you do it, man? How do you manage to keep coming up with new and amazing ways to fuck up? I mean, that Scotch bullshit? Am I really supposed to believe you came crawlin' home because you felt heartstrings moan for the family biz? You were bankrupt, man! The scary thing is, you probably coulda got away with it for awhile."

"Steve Buscemi as Homeless Man"

"Rob Schneider as Nazo"

"Leslie Mann as Corinne Maloney"

"Jon Stewart as Kevin Gerrity"

"Joey Lauren Adams as Layla Maloney"

"Dylan and Cole Sprouse as Julian McGrath"

"Adam Sandler as Sonny Koufax"

"Once you adopt a kid, you've got to keep him."

"Nature called. Look who answered."

"[drops a can in a supermarket] Dented cans are half-price. Microsoft went down 3 points. We gotta save some money."

"The boy just won't quit peeing and throwing up. He's like a cocker spaniel!"

"I thought I had a mother lined up for him, but she's busy banging the Pepperidge Farm guy."