"Uncle Pat: [On how to succeed in business] You outwork, outthink, outscheme and outmanuever. You make no friends. You trust nobody. And you make damn sure you're the smartest guy in the room whenever the subject of money comes up."

"[in his suicide note to Brian] My dearest Brian, A guy like me looks in the mirror, he either grins, or he starts to fade away. And I haven't seen anything to grin about in a long time. This may not be the most graceful exit, but I know when the bottle's empty. The only thing I'm really going to miss is the conversations we had. At least I get the last word, even if I had to mail it in. Coughlin's Law: Bury the dead. They stink up the joint. As for the rest of Coughlin's Laws, ignore them. The guy was always full of shit. [chuckles bitterly] But I guess you knew that already."

"The luck is gone, the brain is shot, but the liquor we still got."

"Never tell tales about a woman, she'll hear you no matter how far away she is."

"Coughlin's Diet: Cocktails and dreams."

"I don't care how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not."

"A bartender is the aristocrat of the working class."

"Anything else is always something better."

"You see, there are two kinds of people in this world, the workers and the hustlers. The hustlers never work and the workers never hustle and you my friend, are a worker."

"Coughlin's Law: Never show surprise, never lose your cool."

"Your sexy smile isn't gonna work this time."

"I am going to be VERY fat, and YOU are gonna love it!"

"Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, your life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours."

"I am the world's last barman poet! I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make. America is getting stinking on something I stir or shake. The Sex On The Beach...the Schnapps made from peach! The Velvet Hammer...the Alabama Slammer! I make things with juice and froth, the Pink Squirrel...the 3 Toed Sloth. I make drinks so sweet and snazzy, the Iced Tea...the Kamikazi! The Orgasm...the Death Spasm. The Singapore Sling...the Ding a Ling. America you're just devoted to every flavor I've got, but if you want to get loaded...why don't you just order a shot! Bar's open!!"

"Len Cariou - Ray Nichols"

"Phil Reeves - Minister in Denver"

"Connie Ray - Vicki Rusk"

"Harry Groener - John Rusk"

"Howard Hesseman - Larry Hertzel"

"June Squibb - Helen Schmidt"

"Dermot Mulroney - Randall Hertzel"

"Hope Davis - Jeannie Schmidt"

"Kathy Bates - Roberta Hertzel"

"Jack Nicholson - Warren R. Schmidt"

"Schmidt Happens"

"People used to think it was strange 'cause I breast-fed him 'til he was almost five, but I say - hunh, just look at the results!"

"One of the children I care for is little Ndugu Umu, the boy you sponsor. Ndugu is a very intellegent boy, and very loving. He is an orphan. Recently he needed medical attention for an infection of the eye, but he's better now. He loves to eat melon, and he loves to paint. Ndugu and I want you to know that he receives all of your letters. He hopes that you are happy in your life, and healthy. He thinks of you every day and he wants very much your happiness."

"Helen, what did you really think of me, deep in your heart? Was I really the man you wanted to be with? Was I? Or were you disappointed and too nice to show it? I forgive you for Ray. I forgive you. That was a long time ago, and I know I wasn't always the king of kings. I let you down. I'm sorry, Helen. Can you forgive me? Can you forgive me?"

"Well Ndugu, I'll close now. You probably can't wait to run and cash this check and get yourself something to eat."

"I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me?"

"Relatively soon, I will die. Maybe in 20 years, maybe tomorrow, it doesn't matter. Once I am dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it will be as though I never existed. What difference has my life made to anyone. None that I can think of. None at all."

"[after Florene storms out when Katie Bell makes a mistake] Don't worry, Katie Bell, it's not quite the end of the world."

"Sylvia Kaler - Beulah"

"Muriel Moore - Miriam"

"William Hall Jr. - Oscar"

"Joann Havrilla - Miss McClatchey"

"Esther Rolle - Idella"

"Patti LuPone - Florine Werthan"

"Crystal R. Fox - Katey Bell"

"Dan Aykroyd - Boolie Werthan"

"Jessica Tandy - Daisy Werthan"

"Morgan Freeman - Hoke Colburn"

"The funny, touching and totally irresistable story of a working relationship that became a 25-year friendship."

"The comedy that won a Pulitzer Prize."

"[Calling after Hoke as he drives away with Miss Daisy] Goodbye! Good luck! [To himself] Good God."

"A family on the verge of a breakdown"

"Welcome to hell"

"Steve Carell - Frank"