"[taunting Darryl at the police station] Hey! Thank your wife for me. [starts gyrating his hips and simulating having sex, causing Darryl to get livid]"

"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies."

"You get what you settle for."

"Goddamn it! I've never been lucky! Not one time!"

"You said you 'n' me was gonna get out of town and for once just really let our hair down. Well darlin', look out 'cause my hair is comin' down!"

"I've had it up to my ass with sedate."

"Timothy Carhart - Harlan Puckett"

"Brad Pitt - J.D."

"Stephen Tobolowsky - Max"

"I love the way this country smells. I'll never forget it. It's kind of spicy."

"I'll take the bottom bunk because I'm the oldest and my ankle's fractured."

"Well, I'm not crazy about the part where I start screaming at the mechanic. That never happened."

"Fuck the itinerary."

"I'm gonna go pray at another thing."

"Rhett: What the fuck is going on here?"

"Jack: Ah, bon soir. S'il vous plait, je voudrais un verre de lait au chocolat et une soupe de oignon et un sandwich avec... How do you say grilled cheese? [mumbled French on from the phone] Merci, exactement, merci beaucoup."

"Yes, the past happened. But it's over, isn't it?"

"I live here. These people need me."

"I told you not to come here."

"Maybe we could express ourselves more fully when we say it without words."

"Because I have alopecia."

"We haven't located us yet."

"Did you get maced too?"

"You're bleeding like crazy!"

"[While Francis and Peter are fighting] Stop including me!"

"Dad's bags aren't gonna make it!"

"I tried my hardest. I don't know what else to do."

"Somewhere, some lucky guy is having a heart attack."

"If life has taught me anything, it's that 95 percent of the people are always wrong."

"We live, we die, and the wheels on the bus go round and round."

"Halleluja Brother, now pass the mustard."

"As you get older, Never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart"

"[Speaking at Carter's funeral] Good afternoon. My name is Edward Cole. I don't know what most people say at these occasions because in all honesty, I've tried to avoid them. The simplest thing is I loved him and I miss him. Carter and I saw the world together, which is amazing when you think that only three months ago we were complete strangers. I hope that it doesn't sound selfish of me, but the last months of his life were the best months of mine. He saved my life, and he knew it before I did. I'm deeply proud that this man found it worth his while to know me. In the end, I think it's safe to say that we brought some joy to one another's lives, so one day, when I go to some final resting place, if I happen to wake up next to a certain wall with a gate, I hope that Carter's there to vouch for me and show me the ropes on the other side."

"[Narrating the end of the film]: Edward Perryman Cole died in May. It was a Sunday in the afternoon and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. He was 81 years old. Even now, I can't claim to understand the measure of a life, but I can tell you this: I know that when he died, his eyes were closed and his heart was open, and I'm pretty sure he was happy with his final resting place, because he was buried on the mountain, and that was against the law."

"You measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you."

"You know, the ancient Egyptians had a beautiful belief about death. When their souls got to the entrance to heaven, the guards asked two questions. Their answers determined whether they were able to enter or not. ‘Have you found joy in your life?’ 'Has your life brought joy to others?'"

"Everything ends badly, otherwise, it would never end."

"Kenneth John McGregor - Sculptor"

"Paul Benedict - Finance Teacher"

"Gerry Bamman - Tourist"

"Ellen Foley - Eleanor"

"Ron Dean - Uncle Pat"

"Gina Gershon - Coral"

"Kelly Lynch - Kerry Coughlin"

"Laurence Luckinbill - Richard Mooney"

"Lisa Banes - Bonnie"

"Elisabeth Shue - Jordan Mooney"

"Bryan Brown - Doug Coughlin"

"Tom Cruise - Brian Flanagan"