"I just didn't think I could survive another hangover, that's all. Didn't think I could get through one more morning-after ick attack. [...] Icks. Anxiety. Guilt. From that split second when your eyes pop open, and you say, "My God, what did I do last night?" And then suddenly, zap. Total recall. [...] And then that struggle to survive until lunchtime, when you have a double bloody mary. That is, if you've waited till lunch. And then you're half pissed and useless for the rest of the afternoon. So you hang on till cocktail time. And by then, you're ready for what the evening holds, which hopefully is another party, where the whole goddamn cycle starts all over again. Yeah, well, I've been on that merry-go-round long enough. And I either had to get off or die of centrifugal force."

"Donald, you are a real card-carrying cunt."

"It's not always like it happens in plays. Not all faggots bump themselves off at the end of the story."

"You must never call anyone called Michael, Mickey. Those of us who are named Michael get very nervous about it."

"I feel like Old Man River. I'm tired of living and I'm scared of dying."

"You're a sad and pathetic man. You're a homosexual and you don't want to be, but there's nothing you can do to change it. Not all the prayers to your god, not all the analysis you can buy in all the years you've go left to live. You may one day be able to know a heterosexual life if you want it desperately enough. If you pursue it with the fervor with which you annihilate. But you'll always be homosexual as well. Always Michael. Always. Until the day you die."

"There's one thing to be said about masturbation: you certainly don't have to look your best."

"Who is she? Who was she? Who does she hope to be?"

"Charlie Ruggles - The Major"

"C. Aubrey Smith - Adolph J. Giron"

"Robert Greig - Jacques, Mariette's butler"

"Kay Francis - Madame Mariette Colet"

"Edward Everett Horton - François Filiba"

"Herbert Marshall - Gaston Monescu / Gaston Lavalle"

"Miriam Hopkins - Lily Vautier"

"Trouble in Paradise is a triumph of sexual awareness that treats the feints, twirls, and innuendo of romance as steps in every lucky human’s sojourn. These characters seem to be waltzing through the swamp of sex, and though they live the high life, their emotions bring them down to earth, in touch with their mortality."

"Leonid Kinskey - the irate Communist"

"Everything will be all right again. Prosperity is just around the corner."

"[To Francois] No, no, Francois. I tell you, no! You see, Francois, marriage is a beautiful mistake which two people make together. But with you, Francois, I think it would be a mistake. [To the Major] Don't be so down-hearted, Major. You're not the only one I don't love. I don't love Francois either."

"Douglas Wilmer - Henri LaFarge"

"Martin Benson - Maurice"

"Burt Kwouk - Cato"

"Reginald Beckwith - Receptionist"

"André Maranne - François"

"Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could destroy the world."

"If someone has been murdered here, please let it be Clouseau."

"Prison is bad enough, without uncomfortable furniture."

"The screen commits the perfect comedy!"

"[after getting his hand caught in a spinning globe] Look at that. I have Africa all over my hand."

"I believe everything and I believe nothing. I suspect everyone and I suspect no one."

"There was a young sleuth full of tricks, solving murders would give him such kicks, till a suspect he treasured was found to be measured 36-26-36!"

"Well, Cato, I'm back on the case. Ah-ha! [hits him] Now to set the trap, catch the killer and prove to the world that Maria Gambrelli is innocent... of murder. We must accelerate our training program. You must learn to attack me whenever and wherever I least expect it. And you, you must give no quarter."

"Facts, Hercule, facts! Nothing matters but the facts. Without them the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game."

"It's Sellers the Sleuth... and there's nothing he won't do to track down a body -- dead or alive!"

"Graham Stark - Hercule Lajoy"

"Vanda Godsell - Madame LaFarge"

"Moira Redmond - Simone"