"We're all worried, we're all in pain. That just comes with having eyes and having ears. But just remember one thing - it can't get any worse, it can only get better. High school is the bottom, being a teenager sucks, but that's the point, surviving it is the whole point. Quitting is not going to make you stronger, living will. So just hang on and hang in there."

"Christian Slater - Mark Hunter (Hard Harry)"

"You ever get the feeling that everything in America is completely fucked up? You know that feeling that the whole country is like, one inch away from saying, "That's it! Forget it!". I mean, think about it. Everything's polluted. The environment, the government, the schools, you name it. Speaking of schools, I was walking the hallowed halls the other day and I ask myself, "Is there life after high school?" Because I can't face tomorrow, let alone a whole year than shit. Yeah, you got it, folks. It's me again with a little attitude for all of you out there in Whitebread Land. All you nice people living in the middle of America, the beautiful. Let's see, we're on, uh, 92 FM tonight, and it feels like a nice, clean little band so far. No one else is using it, price is right. And, yes, folks, you guessed it. Tonight, I'm as horny as a ten peckered owl, so stay tuned because this is Hard Harry reminding you to eat your cereal with a fork and do your homework in the dark."

"They say I'm disturbed. Well, of course I'm disturbed. I mean, we're all disturbed. And if we're not, why not? Doesn't this blend of blindness and blandness want to make you do something crazy? Then why not do something crazy? It makes a helluva lot more sense than blowing your fucking brains out."

"Okay. Down to business. I got my Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi, and, uh, I got my Black Jack gum here, and I got that feeling. Mmm. Yeah, that familiar feeling that something rank is going down out there. [puts needle on record player, and "Everybody Knows" plays] [Leonard Cohen: ♪ Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed. The poor stay poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows that the captain lied. Everybody got this broken feeling, like their father or their dog just died. Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates, and a long-stem rose. Everybody knows. Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful. Ah, give or take a night or two. Everybody knows you've been discreet. ♪] Yeah, I can smell it. I can almost taste it. The rankness in the air. It's everywhere. It's running through that old pipeline out there, trickling along the dumb concrete river and coming up through the drains of those lovely track homes we all live in."

"'Dear Harry, I think you're boring and obnoxious and have a high opinion of yourself.' Course some of you are probably thinking I sent this one to myself. 'I think school is okay if you just look at it right. I mean I like your music, but I really don't see why you can't be cheerful for one second.' I'll tell you since you asked. I just arrived in this stupid suburb. I have no friends, no money, no car, no license. And even if I did have a license all I can do is drive out to some stupid mall. Maybe if I'm lucky play some fucking video games, smoke a joint and get stupid. You see, there's nothing to do anymore. Everything decent's been done. All the great themes have been used up. Turned into theme parks. So I don't really find it exactly cheerful to be living in the middle of a totally, like, exhausted decade where there's nothing to look forward to and no one to look up to."

"Guess who? It's 10 o'clock, do you care where your parents are?"

"Talk hard, I like that. It's like a dirty thought in a nice clean mind."

"You see I didn't plan it like this. My dumb dad got me this shortwave radio set so I could just talk to my buddies back east. But I couldn't reach anybody. So I just imagined I was talking to nobody, I imagined nobody listening. Maybe I imagined there would be one person out there... And then one day I woke up, and I realized I was never going to be normal, so I said, "Fuck it." I said, "So be it." And Happy Harry Hard-On was born. But I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm sorry Malcolm. I never said, "Don't do it.""

"You hear about some kid who did something stupid, something desperate; what possessed him? How could he do such a terrible thing? Well, it's really quite simple, actually. Consider the life of a teenager - you have parents, teachers telling you what to do, you have movies, magazines and TV telling you what to do, but you know what you have to do. Your job, your purpose is to get accepted, get a cute girlfriend, think up something great to do with the rest of your life. What if you're confused and can't imagine a career? What if you're funny looking and can't get a girlfriend? You see, no-one wants to hear it. But the terrible secret is that being young is sometimes less fun than being dead."

"Ahmet Zappa - Jaime"

"I'm sick of being ashamed. I don't mind being dejected and rejected, but I'm not going to be ashamed about it. At least pain is real. I mean, you look around and you see nothing is real, but at least the pain is real."

"Kim De Angelo - the Mother"

"Henrik Henrickson - Russian Lieutenant #2"

"Euan MacDonald - Russian Lieutenant #1"

"Lora Witty - Harriet Cleaver"

"Rheagan Wallace - Peggy Cleaver"

"Nathaniel Bresler - Rusty Cleaver"

"John Sarkisian - the Russian General"

"Monti Ellison - Head Pin Pal"

"Kareem - Bowler #2"

"Paul Szopa - Bowler #3"

"George L. Casillas - Mariachi, a parody of Ritchie Valens"

"Jeffrey Falcon as Buddy, a parody of Buddy Holly"

"Justin McGuire as the Kid"

"Richard McGuire - the Cantina owner"

"Stephane Gauger - Death, a parody of Slash"

"Russian General: I do not like rock-and-roll music. This is too loud! I like folk music, soft, nice music, huh? Polka, waltz, anything!"

"Satellite DJ: You're listening to K-LOST, home of the Apocalypse. The call in question of the day is, who will be the new king? I'm sending in an ICBM across the wasteland for all of you on the yellow brick road to Vegas looking for a hero. If you find one send him my way, baby."

"[as Buddy arrives at Ward Cleaver's property] How they hell are ya', boy? Hey, you finished payin' off that new Plymouth of yours? I tell ya', I sure hope to HELL you didn't go to one of those boys on the lot. They see you comin' a mile away, ready to EAT you alive! Those Plymouth dealers will tell ya' they're cuttin' you a break, when all they're doin' is just fattenin' ya' up for the slaughter."

"That's a pretty nice tuxedo. A pretty nice tuxedo to DIE IN!"

"Vegas Needs A New King"

"Gabrille Pimenter - Little Man"

"Only one man can kill this many Russians. Bring his guitar to me!"

"All Superheroes Wear Glasses..."

"In 1957, the bomb dropped, and the Russians took over what was America. The last bastion of freedom became a place called Lost Vegas, and Elvis was crowned King. After forty rockin' years, The King is dead. Every guitar picking, sword swinging opportunist, including Death himself, hears the call echoing across the wastelands... Vegas needs a new King."

"What are you lookin' at? You look up at the sky, you look down on the ground, but you don't look at me, kid. Got it?"

"You still there? [Marks a line on the ground with his katana] Cross that line, kid, I'll cut your little teddy bear in half. Last kid that crossed that line, I had to summon up the Spinach Monster with my rock 'n' roll magic. The Spinach Monster grabbed him, pulled him underground and made him eat spinach all day. Rumor has it, kid... he's still there."

"Float away, little butterfly. Just flutter away. I got a gig in Vegas. And the wastelands ain't no place for kids."

"Dan Barton - Ward Cleaver"

"[Tired of the kid bawling and being a nuisance] I wonder where I could trade the kid for a ratchet?"

"Theresa Tilly - Shelly"

"Ellen Sandweiss - Cheryl"

"Richard DeManincor - Scott"

"Betsy Baker - Linda"

"The first Evil Dead, when I first saw it, I was mortified. Petrified. I was afraid. I saw it at a friend’s house with a friend who lived right across the street from me, one lane traffic, suburbs, and I just walked across the street looking around for the evil dead coming at me."

"Bruce Campbell - Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams"

"Why does she keep making those horrible noises! Her eyes. What's wrong with her eyes? For God's sake, what happened to her eyes???!!"

"I believe I have made a significant find in the Kandarian ruins, a volume of ancient Sumarian burial practices and funerary incantations. It is entitled "Naturon Demonto", roughly translated: Book of the Dead. The book is bound in human flesh and inked in human blood. It deals with demons and demon resurrection and those forces which roam the forest and dark bowers of Man's domain. The first few pages warn that these enduring creatures may lie dormant but are never truly dead. They may be recalled to active life through the incantations presented in this book. It is through the recitation of these passages that the demons are given license to possess the living."

"I know now that my wife has become host to a Kandarian demon. I fear that the only way to stop those possessed by the spirits of the book is through the act of... bodily dismemberment."