"[to Inigo] You're that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me all this time, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard of. How marvelous."

"[to Westley] Beautiful, isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure that you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present, I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting. As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really, that's all this is, except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. [the machine activates; Westley screams] I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you, so let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel? [Westley whimpers] Interesting."

"[to Buttercup] There is a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours."

"[after knocking out Fezzik] I don't envy you the headache you'll have when you awake. But, in the meantime, rest well...and dream of large women."

"[repeated line] As you wish."

"Oh, what I wouldn't give to be spat at in the face. I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face."

"Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say: Some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, Don't grumble. Give a whistle. And this'll help things turn out for the best. And... [music]"

"... And the beast shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah..."

"So, there you are! I might have known it would end up like this. To think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is, "Go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care." [storms off] I might have known it would end up like this. Sex, sex. That's all young people are interested in nowadays. I don't know what the world's coming to."

"Sue Jones-Davies"

"Kenneth Colley:"

"Michael Palin:"

"Terry Jones:"

"Eric Idle:"

"And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachment…at this time, a friend shall lose his friend’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before around eight o’clock..."

"Terry Gilliam:"

"John Cleese:"

"Graham Chapman:"

"What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem."

"A man shall strike his donkey."

"I've always thought that Life of Brian was the best thing Python did by quite a long shot."

"Four hundred years ago, we would have been burnt for this film. Now, I'm suggesting that we've made an advance."

"Nothing can alter the fact that if you were to make a list of all the greatest works of art in all fields and all the greatest contributors to those works of art, you would find that this scene of the incarnation, the story of the incarnation, has played the largest part. Now, in our 20th century this film produces a sort of graffiti version of it. And I don't think in the eyes of posterity it will have a very distinguished place."

"Makes Ben-Hur look like an epic."

"Just when you thought you were saved..."

"He wasn't the messiah. He was a very naughty boy."

"The film that is so funny it was banned in Norway."

"Now, you listen here: 'e's not the Messiah, 'e's a very naughty boy! Now go away!"

"Honk if you love Brian."

"See the movie that's controversial, sacrilegious, and blasphemous. But if that's not playing, see The Life of Brian."

"A motion picture destined to offend nearly two thirds of the civilized world. And severely annoy the other third."

"You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards!"