"Karl's diary - Woke up at 9.55am. Soon as I woke up, I looked at Suzanne and she looked at me. I said, Did I tell you about the immune system? Suzanne starting laughing, I said it's amazing. She said, Not now."

"Like I say, the first time I saw Steve I was never havin' a go, it was just, 'oh that's different' but you know, Steve, I was never havin' a go, it's just that thing, 'oh right interesting'"

"If he's 27 today, he would have been 26 last week, and he doesn't look 26. He didn't look 26 last week, and he looks older than 28 today."

"From someone whose dad buys him a spade for Christmas, I thought you'd be grateful!"

"Were you a tall baby?"

"I was walking home the other night, and I was thinking about it, and do you worry that when you're old you will be on your own?"

"On dopplegangers - No because only it would only get me into trouble won't it? Because people won't believe there's another one like me. Otherwise everyone would be saying that when they get caught robbing, they go Oh it wasn't me it was me doppleganger."

"Yeah, we'll do that, Lanky."

"Well I'm trying to think what I put in... I think I put in 'why?' to see if I'd confuse the computer."

"Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?"

"If I was Noah, I would have gone, Hang on a minute, I've just seen somethin' that looks a bit like this, let it drown, have a bit of a clear out, but he was messin' about savin' everythin'"

"He got hot, he got so hot his lips fell off."

"I was walking past a sex shop an' that. One, it was open early which I never understood, it was about eight o'clock in the morning. Who needs butt plugs then?"

"By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it."

"(After chatting about the Serbian sex machine invention and Karl said 'Did it have to be a woman or could they have got a gay fella in - butt plugs and that').."

"All I'm saying is that old people need to be old people. You need oldness. You need to see old people. You need to go Right, they might have a solution they've been on the earth longer. Quick, we need an answer. How old are yer? - I'm 32 - Well you look 78!"

"On homosexuals- I'm still none the wiser as to why they do that - Video Podcast|Video Podcast 5"

"All I'm sayin is.. I've since found out what they do do with 'em.. and if they do do that with them.. give 'em a go on that."

"It serves a purpose."

"Stop looking at the walls, look out the window."

"You build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat, and you go alright? Hows it going?. You get on an' that and then a little baby pops out."

"Well...like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again..."

"On homosexuals- They're more up for a bit more experimentation an' that -Podcast Series 1 Episode 2"

"The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now."

"We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about"

"If it's all about arse, why don't gays like a little bit of tit?"

"What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?"

"If anythin', like I said, he didn't do us a favour, he saved too much. You can't move out there for stuff (Referring to Noah saving every animal)"

"...but it’s all about ‘a gorilla and a fox are walking thru the woods.’ How often does that happen?"

"It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep"

"Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine."

"Could the world fall?"

"Karl: I came up with a good idea....see through skin"

"That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog."

"The Web is the new book though, innit?"

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door - Karl invents his own phrase based on Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

"Whoop, there's an elephant in the room"

"You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad - Karl re-evaluates the phrase A stitch in time saves nine."

"If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about. - Karl interprets the phrase Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

"Just sort of wander about and that, and just not get seen [What he would do with the power of invisibility]"

"It's like a pylon. 144px|thumb|right|It's like a pylon."

"[Ricky asks what else he would do with the power of invisibility]Dunno, you could sort of go in shops when they're shut, just get in before they lock up."

"Don't be chucking that out. You might need that later - Karl interprets the phrase Waste not, want not."

"A stitch in five saves fifteen or whatever - Another re-evaluation by Karl of the phrase 'A stitch in time saves nine'"

"Talking about being in heaven- It's not fair though because all them lot have been up there ages with like a chance to get a bit of sun on the body and that so they'll look alright. I'll be wandering about with underpant marks and stuff."

"Now Hilda, she was your bog standard old woman."

"I was at some night once, right. It was some night out and er, some people come running on stage. And some music started coming on. These four people came running out, it was two women, two blokes. It wasn't gay an' that. It was just a normal night -well, y'know, some party night out. These people come running on. You've got two women, you've got two blokes. They whip their knickers off. The fellas whip their undies off. All at the same time, like er, whatsit? Cheryl Baker was in it... Bucks Fizz. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right; before I had a look at the woman's bits, I just had a cheeky glance at the fellas' bits, just checkin' it out, checking everything's normal down there. Believe me, I had a look at the ladies' bits but I didn't know how long that pants were going to left off for."