"It caused quite a stir when the Captain arrived To ‘find out the cause of the trouble’ And every man there, all excepting Old Sam, Was full of excitement and bubble."

"'Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,' Lieutenant exclaimed with some 'eat, Sam said, 'he knocked it down, reason he picks it oop, Or it stays where it is, at me feet'"

"And yet I don't know. And yet I don't know! The sewing machine that cost me twenty guineas or so. And that would buy plenty of linen and thread And things that are hand-made are best, so it's said. It's not that I'm mingy - although I'm half Scotch. I know what I'll buy her. A Ingersoll watch."

"Now my sister's daughter, Elizabeth May Is going to get married next Sunday, they say Now what will I buy her? She's such a nice girl. I think a piano will do very well. I saw one today, 'twas a beauty I found. Only ninety-five guineas. I'll have it sent round."

"And yet I don't know. And yet I don't know! The handkerchiefs that cost me three shillings or so - And that seems a lot for poor Uncle John And anything goes to blow noses on. Talking of noses, hers is red enough. I know what I'll buy her. A nice powder puff. Now she can't powder her nose with a grand piano. Nor yet with a sewing machine. She can't powder her nose with an Ingersoll watch - Well that's silly, you know what I mean. She can't powder her nose with a jumper. She'll find that a little bit rough. So I'll pop round to Woolworth's tomorrow, God bless her And buy her a nice powder puff. And yet I don't know. And yet I don't know! Sixpence ha'pennies aren't found in back yards. I'll not buy her a powder puff at all - no. I'll just send her my kindest regards."

"My knees started knocking, I did feel so sad. Then Brown said, "Don't die in a pub, it looks bad," He said, "Come with me, I'll show you what to do. Now I've got a friend who'll be useful to you." He led me to Black's Undertaking Depot, And Black, with some crepe round his hat said, "Hello, My word you do look queer!""

"I've been very poorly but now I feel prime, I've been out today for the very first time. I felt like a lad as I walked down the road, Then I met Old Jones and he said, "Well I'm blowed! My word you do look queer! My word you do look queer! Oh, dear! You look dreadful: you've had a near shave, You look like a man with one foot in the grave." I said, "Bosh! l'm better; it's true I've been ill." He said, "I'm delighted you're better, but still, I wish you'd a thousand for me in your will. My word, you do look queer!""

"The same thing occurred when the Major and Colonel Both tried to get Sam to see sense, But when Old Duke o' Wellington came into view Well, then the excitement was tense"

"'Sam, Sam, pick oop the musket,' Said Captain, for strictness renowned. Sam said 'He knocked it doon, reason he picks it oop, or it stays where it is, on the ground.'"

"Up rode the Duke on a loverly white 'orse, To find out the cause of the bother, He looked at the musket and then at Old Sam, And he talked to Old Sam like a brother"

"'Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket' The Duke said as quiet as could be, 'Sam, Sam Sam Sam, pick oop tha' musket, Coom on lad, just to please me"

"I crawled in the street and I murmured,"I'm done." Then up came Old Jenkins and shouted,"Oh son!" "My word you do look well! My word you do look well! You're looking fine and in the pink!" I shouted, "Am I? Come and have a drink! You've put new life in me, I'm sounder than a bell. By gad! There's life in the old dog yet. My word I do feel well!""

"'Alright Duke,' said Old Sam, 'just for thee I'll oblige, And to show thee I meant no offence', So Sam picked it up, 'Gradely, lad' said the Duke, 'Right-o boys... let battle commence.'"

"All excepting one man who was in the front rank, A man by the name of Sam Small, And 'im and the Sergeant were both 'daggers drawn', They thought 'nowt' of each other at all"

"That's what show business is—sincere insincerity."

"This isn't Amazon where you can go "I'm not happy with the product" and pop it back in the post. Thats it, you've got it"

"I was walking home the other night, and I was thinking about it, and do you worry that when you're old you will be on your own?"

"People say having kids is life changing, well that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing, does it? I could take one of my legs off. That would change my life."

"(After chatting about the Serbian sex machine invention and Karl said 'Did it have to be a woman or could they have got a gay fella in - butt plugs and that').."

"If he's 27 today, he would have been 26 last week, and he doesn't look 26. He didn't look 26 last week, and he looks older than 28 today."

"On homosexuals- They're more up for a bit more experimentation an' that -Podcast Series 1 Episode 2"

"Who's the mental one here? Is it me, or everyone else?"

"Could the world fall?"

"It serves a purpose."

"Language is a powerful thing init...er..."

"On homosexuals- I'm still none the wiser as to why they do that - Video Podcast|Video Podcast 5"

"I was walking past a sex shop an' that. One, it was open early which I never understood, it was about eight o'clock in the morning. Who needs butt plugs then?"

"You build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat, and you go alright? Hows it going?. You get on an' that and then a little baby pops out."

"From someone whose dad buys him a spade for Christmas, I thought you'd be grateful!"

"If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about. - Karl interprets the phrase Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

"A stitch in five saves fifteen or whatever - Another re-evaluation by Karl of the phrase 'A stitch in time saves nine'"

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door - Karl invents his own phrase based on Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

"Whoop, there's an elephant in the room"

"[Ricky asks what else he would do with the power of invisibility]Dunno, you could sort of go in shops when they're shut, just get in before they lock up."

"The best thing you can do is look after yourself. Get on with it."

"Don't be chucking that out. You might need that later - Karl interprets the phrase Waste not, want not."

"Now Hilda, she was your bog standard old woman."

"Walking down the street in London with Suzanne, saw a little homeless.. well I didn't see the homeless bloke right, I saw a leg stickin out of a doorway, thought 'here we go', right. Walked past it, right, you're not gonna believe this. Homeless.... Chinese fella. I've never seen one of them."

"Yeh I know but, I remember one on our estate, right. And she was a bit... what's the word that you can use cos I don't want to offend anyone? I'd say mental... but sort of mental homeless, is that a term?"

"I've got a fat head. There's nothing I can do about it."

"You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad - Karl re-evaluates the phrase A stitch in time saves nine."

"I'm surprised that I won the race to the egg. I'm not a good swimmer. If I was back in there now I'd go forget it, let them lot go first."

"You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge."

"Just sort of wander about and that, and just not get seen [What he would do with the power of invisibility]"

"Were you a tall baby?"

"It would be impossible, I'd just chuck meself into the salt pot or something. I'd hate that, that would be horrible that [Karl answering Ricky's question of how he would get Suzanne's attention in the Kitchen if he were a slug]"

"Fella comes walking toward me. Only got no pants on. So I said, ‘Suzanne, what's going on?’"

"I've been watchin birds more than insects recently, and the thing I've found with pigeons is: they've got wings but they walk a lot"

"I saw a cockroach playing Pacman. It was on the internet, right, and somebody had linked up a cockroach to err... to some... I can't even be bothered explaining it, but that's what I'm saying - everything is moving on"

"I will not be lickin a frog, so there's nothin' to worry about"