"I mean, listen, I know it might sound a little corny, maybe even a little femme, but I find something so resplendent in the simplicity of Nicholas Sparks' writing, you know what I mean? [Looks at Chris's completely feminine Christmas sweater] Nice outfit, by the way. Rock and roll."

"Wait a minute, am I being Punk'D? Oh my god! Ashton, you really got me! Ha Ha! Ashton! Ashton?"

"So that's why she went with Dusty. She wants a sensitive guy... more like the old me. Well, if she wants Mr. Rogers, then I'm going to show her the biggest pussy she's ever seen."

"[singing and playing guitar] Forgiveness, is more than saying sorry. To forgive is divine. So let's have a glass of wine. And have make-up sex until the end of time, time, time, time, timmmmmmeee! Time."

"Mr. Palamino: How did you lose all that weight? Like that retard from Subway?"

"[to Chris] You and I are gonna be the greatest musical manager team since Jessica Simpson and her father only you and I get to "mreow" and they can't, 'cause it's illegal. I looked it up."

"Clark: [about Chris and Jamie] Are you guys on the same menstrual cycle yet, or what?"

"Tina Cerato - Movie Goer"

"JJ Elliott - Movie Goer"

"Todd Lewis - Kyle"

"Ashley Scott - Janice"

"Trenna Keating - Nancy"

"Amy Matysio - Darla"

"Barry Flatman - Mr. Palamino"

"Maria Arcé - Athena"

"Ty Olsson - Tim"

"Madeline Carroll - Santa Elf"

"Zach Mills - Carpenter Elf"

"Jordan Orr - Voices of Elves"

"Eric Lloyd - Charlie Calvin"

"Sammi Hanratty - Glenda"

"Abigail Breslin - Trish"

"Peter Boyle - Father Time"

"Michael Dorn - the Sandman"

"Jay Thomas - the Easter Bunny"

"Aisha Tyler - Mother Nature"

"Alan Arkin - Bud Newman"

"Ann-Margret as Sylvia Newman"

"Kevin Pollak - Cupid"

"Spencer Breslin - Curtis the Elf"

"Elizabeth Mitchell - Mrs. Claus/Carol Calvin"

"Judge Reinhold - Neil Miller"