"Ahh, smell those Christmas trees. You can keep your "Channel" Number 5, just give me a whiff of the old lonesome pine. That symbol of brotherly love, that centerpiece that all mankind gathers around to share the cranberry sauce shaped like a can."

"No, there's only one person authorized to operate this sack. His big, red, oneness: The Claus."

"You know. I don't tell many people this, but Christmas is just about my favorite time. Ever since I was a little kid, I always felt like it was my own personal holiday."

"Bill Byrge - Bobby (Storage Agent)"

"Robert Lesser - Marty Brock"

"I am the one with the Yuletide, know what I mean?"

"What we have here is a failure to accumulate."

"Ernest, I'm not much of a morning person. Do you think we could just keep it down to a dull roar?"

"Zachary Bowden - Boy in the Train Station"

"Jack Swanson - Businessman"

"Buddy Douglas- Pyramus the Elf"

"Key Howard - Immigration Agent"

"Patty Maloney as Thisbe the Elf"

"Barry Brazell - Cab Passenger"

"Billie Bird - Mary Morrissey"

"George Kaplan - Mr. Dillis"

"You know, you and my wife have a lot in common. You both think you have some right to life working out the way you want it to, and when it doesn't, you get to act the way you want. The only trouble with that is someone has to be responsible. I'd love to run around and take classes and play with my inner-self! I'd love the freedom to be some pissed-off criminal with no responsibilities, except I don't have the time! But you don't see me with a gun. And you don't see me sleeping with someone else. You think my life turned out the way I wanted because I live in this house? You think every morning I wake up, look in the mirror and say "Gee, I'm glad I'm me and not some 19-year-old billionaire rockstar with the body of an athlete and a 24-hour erection!" No I don't! So just excuse the shit out of me!"

"Look kid... what I do, running around, stealing stuff, may sound great when you're 14 years old, but it sucks just a little bit when you're 35. No house, no family. I got a partner who's 56, alcoholic... he still can't understand why they took Happy Days off the air. And then I got to turn on the TV every day and see kids like you, one after another on these talk shows. You got everything, opportunities up the ass, you got a family to come home to, and what do you do? You sit around, and you bitch and you moan, because things don't go your way. Well, you know what, kid? Welcome to the real world, where most times things don't go your fucking way."

"Do you know what this family needs? A mute."

"From now on, the only person who gets to yell at is me. Why? Because I have a gun. People with guns get to do whatever they want. Married people without guns - for instance - you - DO NOT get to yell. Why? NO GUNS! No guns, no yelling. See? Simple little equation."

"B.D. Wong - Marriage Counselor Dr. Wong"

"Edward Saxon - Mike Michaels"

"Kenneth Utt - Jeremiah Willard"

"Ron Gabriel - Limo Driver"

"Robert Ridgely - Bob Burley"

"J.K. Simmons - Siskel"

"John Scurti - Lt. Steve Milford"

"Bill Raymond - George"

"Jim Turner - Phil"

"Ellie Raab - Mary"