The Apprentice (British TV series)

"Stuart Baggs: [As Stella] "I can't do anything for myself, I need it all spoon fed to me. [starts making gestures] Where's my spoon? Where's my spoon?""

"Stuart Baggs: I don't really want to introduce myself in German as then I'd be Herr Baggs."

"Lord Sugar: (after firing Christopher) I'm, sick and tired of looking at the pair of you. I don't want to see you in this boardroom again because it's getting untenable."

"Christopher Farrell: I tell you what. Get an extinguisher, and put me out!"

"Stuart Baggs: (Pleading to Lord Alan Sugar) If I work for you it's not going to be from 9 to 5, and I know some people think that. I'll be in the office weekends, even on a Sunday. I'll work for you 24/7. Lord Sugar: I don't need a night watchman. Stuart Baggs: Listen, I will make you so proud of me. Lord Sugar: Uh, I hear your enthusiasm you know? Great enthusiasm. A fly's got enthusiasm but it doesn't stop headbutting the window! Stuart Baggs: Ok, well since I've been in this process I've had 10 weeks and let me tell you, every night I've been thinking of new business ideas that I really want to develop. Let's start a new company, and not only will you be able to put me in an existing one, I can run one for you. I want you to wake up in the morning, and check the bank balance and think "He has made me millions" and I won't be happy with myself unless I've done that for you. Lord Sugar: That is such outrageous promises that you can't guarantee! Stuart Baggs: I’m not a one-trick pony. I’m not a ten-trick pony. I’ve got a field of ponies waiting to literally run towards this."

"Lord Sugar: (After Stuart Baggs' "over the top" pony plea) There you are ladies, there's a gentleman that's put his plea forward. He's going to make me millions of millions of pounds in a business that he doesn't know what we're gonna be in yet, and that's a hard one to counter don't you think?"

"Jamie Lester: (To an audience of tourists) On our left is the River Thames. It's the second largest river in London."

"Jamie Lester: (To an audience of tourists) Straight ahead of you we've got Big Ben. The face of the clock is twenty diameters in width."

"Stuart Baggs: [trying to poach tourists from the other team]Hi guys, can I interest you in a tour? Joanna Riley: What the hell is going on? Chris Bates: Stuart, seriously, fuck off. Stuart Baggs: Seriously, you fuck off, this is our pitch. Chris Bates: It's not, this is the north area! Stuart Baggs: Go on, hit me then. Chris Bates: I'm not going to hit you, I'm just saying to get off our fucking patch! Stuart Baggs: You mouth off, you mouth off, but why don't you back it up with something? Chris Bates: Oh shut up, you fat twat. Why don't you fuck off down there? Fucking dickhead. Stuart Baggs: That's not very professional, is it? Joanna Riley: Just ignore him, he's not worth it! Stuart Baggs: [to camera] It seems a bit weak if you've got to swear a lot, you know? Not very professional."

"Claude Littner: (after Stuart puts his hand out to have it shaken) Sir down please. (reading from Stuart's CV) "I'm Stuart Baggs, The Brand" Stuart Baggs: Yeah. Claude Littner: What on Earth are you talking about? Stuart Baggs: Well... Claude Littner: You're a 21 year old kid. You're not a brand! Stuart Baggs: Well I think, when you look at what a brand means, it is... Claude Littner: No, don't tell me what a brand means, okay? You are not a brand, you're not a brand! Stuart Baggs: I think I might be. Claude Littner: Fine. Let's explore this a bit further then? Why would somebody, as successful, as innovative, as... Stuart Baggs: Yeah? Claude Littner: ...big a dreamer, as a brand, as you? Why would you want to have a job with Lord Sugar? Stuart Baggs: Because at the minute, I'm a big fish in a small pond. Claude Littner: You're not a big fish. You're not a big fish. You're not even a fish! Stuart Baggs: (After the interview with Claude) Alright guys? Felt like I'd knocked on his door and said "Sorry Claude, I've run over your dog!""

"Lord Sugar: (to Stuart) The thing is, is that my four advisers looked at me in this boardroom earlier today. They said to me that... you're full of shit, basically. And, possibly, you have been, throughout the whole course of this process. And do you know what annoys me even more Stuart? What annoys me more, that if I've misunderstood you with your claims and everything else that you've said that you've done, and someone like Liz last week left the process, I feel even further sick. Stuart Baggs: Mm-hm. Lord Sugar:Yeah! Stuart Baggs:Well, it's not the case... Lord Sugar: Well it is the bloody case! Stuart Baggs: (pleading to Lord Sugar one last time) I can show you, everything I've done. Lord Sugar: No, I don't believe a word you say, Stuart now. I'm annoyed with myself Stuart, I'm annoyed with myself that you have been allowed to come this far through the process and that is the first time that this weakness has come out. I'm annoyed with myself. Stuart, you are fired! Stuart Baggs: (accepting defeat) Thanks for the opportunity Lord Sugar. (Having witnessed what he has seen, Chris pulls on his shirt collar as Stuart leaves the boardroom in disgrace)"

"(After listening to Lord Sugar's condemnation of Stuart the remaining candidates show signs of relief in particular Chris and Jamie. Chris feels his shirt collar whilst Jamie sighs with relief.) Lord Sugar: (carrying on the boardroom as if Stuart never existed) Well, we're down to the last four. Two more people are going to leave the process today."

"Margaret Mountford: If I asked "What is the most interesting thing about you?" "I own three properties in the UK, two in Cyprus and a Porsche all before the age of 25. Did I mention I have a third nipple?" Jamie Lester: Third nipple! (laughs) Margaret Mountford: Yes. You're laughing! I'm not!. One or two pages later on, "What's the worst lie you've ever told?" "That I have a third nipple!" Is that supposed to make me laugh? Jamie Lester: No, it's just... Margaret Mountford: Think of a word that applies to that statement. Jamie Lester: Stupid. Margaret Mountford: Puerile!"

"Lord Sugar: (to Jamie before firing him) Jamie, I think you've come to the end of the road. I'm letting you go. Jamie, You're Fired."

"Bordan Tkachuk: Stuart, you're blagging to me. I know what ISP is. It's an Internet Service Protocol. And that's what you're providing. It's not a telecoms operating licence. It's a protocol that allows telecoms over bandwidths. (in reality the "P" in ISP stands for "Provider")"

"Stella English: I think I have the passion that Chris doesn't have."

"Chris Bates: Hang on, if you're going to talk about me, I'll talk about you!"

"Melody Hossaini: Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

"Jim Eastwood: I believe I can be the champion thoroughbred that this process requires."

"Leon Doyle: I don’t like your gimmicky salesman who thinks he can sell ice to an Eskimo. Chances are he probably can’t, and why would an Eskimo buy ice?"

"Felicity Jackson: Lord Sugar will probably find it difficult to ever say anything negative to me, because I always turn it round to a positive."

"Vincent Disneur: I’m best of breed within my industry. I’ve got plenty of charisma and, yeah, I’m not bad-looking."

"Edna Agbarha: I seek out pain rather than pleasure. A limp handshake is unforgivable."

"Tom Pellereau: (whips off glasses) Underneath these glasses is a core of steel."

"Lord Sugar: (on the change of format) It's not going to be about having a six-figure salary job with me. It's going to be about you providing your own salary. I'm going to inject £250,000 into a business, your business. And, you're gonna run it."

"Lord Sugar: Ed, you were trained at one of the leading accountancy firms in the country, I believe. Is that right? Edward Hunter: Don't fit the mould. Lord Sugar: I beg your pardon? Edward Hunter: I don't fit the mould. Lord Sugar: I didn't ask you that question, I said you were trained by one of the leading accountancy companies. Edward Hunter: I was. Lord Sugar: So, you would have had insight and vision into how companies are run, because you audited them a couple of times, yeah? Edward Hunter: It's all there. Lord Sugar: I beg your pardon? Edward Hunter: It's all there. All my experience is with me. Lord Sugar: Can you stop talking to me in semaphore? We're not sending each other text messages, here."

"Edward Hunter: Lord Sugar, my business plan and my strategy, different, very different. Bottom-up, not top down, because I didn't know how many we was gonna sell. Didn't wanna speculate. I didn't know what I was gonna sell it for. Didn't want to speculate. Lord Sugar: But you must have had some idea... Edward Hunter: When I was producing, that was production, and the selling was gonna take care of itself. Lord Sugar: Look, let's cut the crap here. I asked you a simple bloody question. Have you worked out how much you're gonna sell them for? Simple as that! A yes or no answer, not "I'm thinking about it as we go along, as we're squeezing I'm thinking about what price I'm gonna sell it for." Edward Hunter: The sales price was something we could change just like that. Vincent Disneur: This is completely wrong. What we did was, we worked out... let me explain it, I know how this works. Edward's not doing it right. Lord Sugar: Oh, he's not?"

"Lord Sugar: (to Nick and Karren) Edward, he reminds me of a very slow internet line. You have to wait, and you see him ticking over."

"Edward Hunter: Not only am I the youngest person on this team... Gavin Winstanley: Well done! Great! Edward Hunter: ...I'm also the shortest! (Gavin, Leon and Lord Sugar laugh at Edward)"

"Lord Sugar: You said on your resume that "I'm Lord Sugar's dream." With all due respect, you've been a bit of a nightmare. And so I'm gonna have to say to you, Edward, you're fired. (Edward stands up and starts to leave. As he goes to leave he stands by the door just as he goes out and faces Lord Sugar once more) Just learn from this, Edward. There's no shame in being an accountant, don't ever, ever run yourself down as far as that's concerned. (Edward turns away and goes out the door)"

"Edward Hunter: I handpicked Jim, 'cause I knew he was the man to lead the soup team. Lord Sugar:You knew he was a "soupman" did you? Edward Hunter: He's super."

"Vincent Disneur: (holding an orange) Is this an orange? Edward Hunter: I dunno."

"Tom Pellereau: I think the main problem is Edward. He's trying incredibly hard to show that he's not an accountant, he's not the accounting model. And unfortunately I think he left a lot of the good parts of the accountancy at the door when he came in- Lord Sugar: That's the most sensible answer I've heard here today."

"Alex Britez Cabral: (putting on a Welsh accent) I was just passing through the valley! I do love being on the farm."

"Glenn Ward: (in a Scouse accent) How's your wife and my kids?"

"Jim Eastwood: (to Alex) My contribution is more positive than negative. Yours is nada."

"Leon Doyle: Based on the feedback I've been hearing today, I'd like to bring back Alex, and Jim Lord Sugar: Alex and Jim Jim Eastwood: Well, it's interesting he chose myself and Alex. There's actually a few fall guys; Vincent fluffed his speech and I had to save the day, and I don't fluff speeches. Glenn, designed the app that turned out to be, Crap! On two tasks in, I've given a hundred percent effort. Leon Doyle: Jim has done a sterling job and... Jim Eastwood: Well then, I'm not the person you should be bringing back in if you agree that I've done a sterling job side so you need to change your decision. (stunned look from Lord Sugar) Leon Doyle: So on the basis of Jim's dealings here if, I mean do you want me to change it? Jim Eastwood: Change! Lord Sugar: I'm asking you, you're the man, you're bringing back in here.... Jim Eastwood: It's obvious! Leon Doyle: Yeah it's obvious. Okay... There's a potential it could be down to the concept, so...(looks down the left hand side of the boardroom then faces Lord Sugar again) Okay. On the basis of the failing of this task is down to the app I'm going to bring in Glenn.(stunned look from Glenn) Glenn Ward: You want to bring me back? I don't think you should, because... Leon Doyle: Listen Glenn... Jim Eastwood: It's done and agreed. Glenn Ward: I don't think you should. What do you think Jim? Do you think I should be back here? Jim Eastwood: The PM's made a decision, I highlighted who I thought made flaws, who made mistakes and he's chosen you. Glenn Ward: Well, I know... I think it should be Tom... Lord Sugar: Okay, but listen, the point is he makes the final decision. I want to get home tonight, Speak! Leon Doyle: This is my final decision. Lord Sugar: Right, okay. The rest of you, you've lost. You shouldn't have lost this task. Go back to the house, the other three of you, go wait outside and I'll call you back in shortly."

"(A recording session for the introduction of Slang-a-tang) Vincent Disneur: Slang- Jim Eastwood: A- Alex Britez Cabral: Tang."

"Ellie Read, Helen Milligan, Susan Ma and Melody Hossaini: (during a recording session) MOOOOO! (all break down laughing) Melody Hossaini: (while the others are laughing) We are serious businesswomen!"

"Lord Sugar: (during his boardroom deliberations) Alex, you're certainly a good talker but I'm not thinking of starting a business writing speeches."

"Glenn Ward: Alex? Yes. Sorry, I always forget him."

"Glenn Ward: (to Leon after they return to the house) You bottled it!"

"Jim Eastwood: I’m an Irish bulldozer of charm."

"Gavin Winstanley: So just to confirm - a cloche is definitely like a little greenhouse, is that right?"

"Jim Eastwood: I don’t know what rapport is. If I knew, I’d bottle it and sell it."

"Ellie Reed: (on Vincent) He’s what I call in my industry a bit of a wide boy – a Billy Bullshit."

"Gavin Winstanley: (also on Vincent) He couldn’t run a bath, honestly."

"Vincent Disneur: Vincent makes all the calls. Vincent closes all the meetings."

"Lord Sugar: (to Vincent) I know you’re Belgian and that’s where the waffles come from, but…"

"Felicity Jackson: They wouldn't even take a penny off! A penny!"