"[singing] Dear blender/Now, won't you help a first offender?/Oh, toaster/Don't you put the burn on me/Refrigerator/Why are we always sooner or later/Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night?"

"Look at that, Bert Schnik's dancing! Bert can see!"

"Barry Humphries - Bert Schnick"

"No! I don't know what Janet's next move will be...but you can be sure of one thing...it all starts here!"

"I wouldn't mind doing Janet one or two favors."

"Ladies and gentlemen... the president."

"Ruby Wax - Betty Hapschatt"

"I better get going. Tomorrow's the big one, and, well, Farley expects!"

"We only want what's best for him. As parents, you must understand."

"Well, Janet's absolutely speechless, Ladies and Gentlemen. But that's all right. Because we don't need her to talk...But here's someone we do want to hear from...a firm favorite of yours and mine. You've revelled in his recipes. You've marvelled at his marriage guidance. Yes, the all-knowing, and now all-seeing... Bert Schnick!!"

"Wendy Raebeck - Macy Struthers"

"Brad will learn how to care in the surgical chair!"

"[pouring pills down Brad's throat] Amateurs!"

"[singing] I'm not a locum with motive to suture myself. I've been a cynic for too many years. Playing doctor and nurse, it can be good for your health. I've seen clinics with those gimmicks in Tangiers."

"Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting down front? What an ideal couple... More than anyone else in Denton, they represent the old values... Ike would have been proud of them."

"[singing] Ever since I was the eine kleine herren/It was the Cordon Bleu for which I am most carin'/And the one taste treat so sweet, it really can't be beat/Is what we have, ja, how you are, caviar, that little black mess!"

"Well, Betty, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly... Monetary inducements... Seduction... Prejudice... And lies!"

"Yes. Macabre, isn't it. The blind leading the blind."

"We used them. All of them."

"[singing] I feel the heat from your skin and the stubble on your chin, you're no good"

"Hoopla Denton!"

"The subject is committed. As are we all."

"[singing] Every since I was a little boy, dressing up has always been my greatest joy. But when it's time to be discreet, there's one thing you just can't beat and that's a strapless, backless classical little black dress."

"This is Janet. She's a phenomenon."

"Everyone loves the girl next door, particularly Farley."

"They should be sent to the Danube at dawn."

"[to Macy Struthers] Who loves YOU, baby?"

"It's all right, Brad dear... Have another sedative. We'll miss you on the show tonight."

"[singing] You're blinded by romance, you're blinded by science. Your condition is critically grave, but don't expect mercy from such an alliance. Suspicion of tradition's so new wave."

"I detect a note of reticence. Are you perhaps one of those amongst us who feel that emotive forms of presentations are overly manipulative?"

"Hey, folks, it's Ricky from the Rest Home!"

"Oh my God, character actors!"

"Alimony is just another word for rape."

"But the false promise of a new dawn usually leads to a most bloody sunset."

"[singing] This could be the start of a whole new career here."

"Does he do that often? ... Good! Well there's still hope. Lots of hope."

"Oh, I adore Coleridge Taylor. As a matter of fact... "It is an ancient Mariner, and he stoppeth one of three. By thy long gray beard and glittering eye, now wherefore stop'st thou me?""

"Faith, Betty. But make sure it's your own."

"With Fast Food Farley at the helm it'll be TV dinners from now on."

"HE!!?? How dare this person take advantage of my weakness."

"Brad has deep feelings of hostility towards you. ... It's classical. Almost a textbook case..."

"Sharon Lewis as Broo"

"Tammy Bourne as Julie"

"Hadley Kay as Tommy"

"Carl Banas as Schaeffer"

"Len Carlson as Bert Raccoon"

"Michael Magee as Cyril Sneer / Snag"

"Kevin Gillis as Dan the Forest Ranger (uncredited)"

"Finn Wittrock - Greg Earnest"

"Emma Stone - Mia Dolan"