"Well, boys, we got three engines out, we got more holes in us than a horse trader's mule, the radio is gone and we're leaking fuel and if we was flying any lower why we'd need sleigh bells on this thing... but we got one little budge on them Rooskies. At this height why they might harpoon us but they dang sure ain't gonna spot us on no radar screen!"

"Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff."

"Well, boys, I reckon this is it — nuclear combat toe to toe with the Rooskies. Now look, boys, I ain't much of a hand at makin' speeches, but I got a pretty fair idea that something doggone important is goin' on back there. And I got a fair idea the kinda personal emotions that some of you fellas may be thinkin'. Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be human bein's if you didn't have some pretty strong personal feelin's about nuclear combat. I want you to remember one thing, the folks back home is a-countin' on you and by golly, we ain't about to let 'em down. I tell you something else, if this thing turns out to be half as important as I figure it just might be, I'd say that you're all in line for some important promotions and personal citations when this thing's over with. That goes for ever' last one of you regardless of your race, color or your creed. Now let's get this thing on the hump — we got some flyin' to do."

"Sir! I have a plan. [stands from his wheelchair] Mein Führer, I can walk!"

"[on the phone with the Russian Premier] Hello? Uh, hello? Hello, Dmitri? Listen, I can't hear too well, do you suppose you could turn the music down just a little? A-ha, that's much better. Yeah, yes. Fine, I can hear you now, Dmitri. Clear and plain and coming through fine. I'm coming through fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then, as you say, we're both coming through fine. Good. Well, it's good that you're fine, and - and I'm fine. I agree with you. It's great to be fine. [Laughs] Now then, Dmitri, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb. The BOMB, Dmitri. The hydrogen bomb. Well now, what happened is, uh, one of our base commanders, he had a sort of - Well, he went a little funny in the head. You know. Just a little funny. And uh, he went and did a silly thing.Well, I'll tell you what he did. He ordered his planes...to attack your country.Well, let me finish, Dmitri. Let me finish, Dmitri. Well, listen, how do you think I feel about it? Can you imagine how I feel about it, Dmitri? Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello?Of course I like to speak to you! Of course I like to say hello! Not now, but any time, Dmitri. I'm just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened.It's a friendly call. Of course, it's a friendly call. Listen, if it wasn't friendly, you probably wouldn't have even got it. They will not reach their targets for at least another hour. I am, I am positive, Dmitri. Listen, I've been all over this with your Ambassador. It is not a trick. Well, I'll tell you. We'd like to give your Air Staff a complete rundown on the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the planes.Yes, I mean, if-if we're unable to recall the planes, then, I'd say that, uh, well, uh, we're just gonna have to help you destroy them, Dmitri. I know they're our boys. All right, well listen, now, who should we call? Who should we call, Dmitri? The what, the People, you, sorry, you faded away there. The People's Central Air Defense Headquarters. Where is that, Dmitri? In Omsk. Right. Yes. Oh, you'll call them first, will you? Uh, huh. Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dmitri? What? I see. Just ask for Omsk information.I'm sorry too, Dmitri. I'm very sorry. All right, you're sorrier than I am. But I am sorry as well. I am as sorry as you are, Dmitri. Don't say that you're the more sorry than I am because I am capable of being just as sorry as you are. So we're both sorry, all right? All right."

"Shane Rimmer - Capt. Ace Owens"

"Tracy Reed - Miss Scott"

"James Earl Jones - Lt. Lothar Zogg"

"Peter Bull - Russian Ambassador Alexi de Sadesky"

"Slim Pickens - Maj. T.J. 'King' Kong"

"Keenan Wynn - Col. 'Bat' Guano"

"Sterling Hayden - Gen. Jack D. Ripper"

"I would be remiss in my duty, if I did not tell you, that the idea of...... intercourse... and the fact of your firm, young... body..... commingling, with the... withered flesh... sagging... breasts... and flabby b-... buttocks... makes me want... to vomit."

"Tom Skerritt – as Motorcycle Officer"

"Shari Summers – Edith Phern"

"Judy Engles – Candy Gulf"

"Charles Tyner – General Victor Ball"

"G. Wood – Psychiatrist"

"Eric Christmas – Priest"

"Ellen Geer – Sunshine Doré"

"Cyril Cusack – Glaucus"

"Vivian Pickles – Mrs. Chasen"

"Bud Cort – Harold Parker Chasen"

"Ruth Gordon – Dame Marjorie "Maude" Chardin"

"Well, what do you say, Harold? Ah, it's a great life. There's action, adventure, advising, and you'll get a chance to see the war first-hand. And there are plenty of slant-eyed girls. I'll make a man out of you, Harold. You'll travel the world, put on a uniform, and take on a man's job. You'll walk tall, with a glint in your eye and a spring in your step, and the knowledge in your heart that you are working for peace and are serving your country, just like Nathan Hale. Now, that's what this country needs - more Nathan Hales. [He salutes a picture of Nathan Hale] And, Harold, I think I can see a little Nathan Hale in you."

"I haven't lived... I've died a few times."

"Dreyfus once wrote from Devil's Island that he would see the most glorious birds. Many years later in Brittany, he realized they had only been sea gulls... For me, they will always be... glorious birds."

"Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, "Yes." I said, "You're beautiful.""

"John Ingle - Principal Gowan"

"Carrie Lynn - Martha 'Dumptruck' Dunnstock"

"Patrick Labyorteaux - Ram Sweeney"

"Lance Fenton - Kurt Kelly"

"Glenn Shadix - Father Ripper"

"Penelope Milford - Pauline Fleming"

"Lisanne Falk - Heather McNamara"