"It's the letter - The letter that never came. [reading aloud] "Dearest Children; Since we have been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, where you're older, you will learn all about the people we've befriended and the dangers we have faced. At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey. We hope to have you back in our arms soon, darlings; but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that, no matter what happens in this life, you three will take care of each other with kindness, and bravery and selflessness as you always have. And remember one thing my darlings and never forget it: that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family and you are home. Your loving parents.""

"[to Count Olaf] Hey, marriage is no picnic. Oh, and by the way, you're a terrible actor."

"[repeated phrase] There's always something."

"[last words] Oh, no."

"I'm the monster? You're the monster! These children tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen. No one ever listens to children! You think you're innocent?! You're accomplices! This certificate says that I have the fortune now! And there's nothing you can do about it! [to Violet] What do you think? Too diabolical? Give me some feedback!"

"Hello, hello, hello. I am your beloved Count Olaf."

"[first words] Entrood!"

"[last lines] Passing the torch is a right of passage that can take many forms. But prehaps the least known and most surprising is the passing of a spyglass. Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed."

"I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf was captured for crimes too numerous to mention. And before serving his life sentence, it was the judge's decree that Olaf be made to suffer every hardship that he forced upon the children. The Baudelaires had triumphed, a word which here means "unmasking a cruel and talentless arsonist, and solving the mystery of the Baudelaire fire." If only justice were as kind. Count Olaf vanished after a jury of his peers overturned his sentence."

"[first lines] I'm sorry to say that, but this is not the movie you'll be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, then I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre #2. However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay, as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sad duty to document this tale."

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It's like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air and there's a sickly moment of dark surprise. The children's grief was not only for their uncle, but for that tender hope that they might have found home again. A hope which, thanks to a villainous actor, was now slowly tumbling away."

"And so, the Baudelaire children went to Peru and together had wonderful adventures with their loving and new guardian. The end. These are the words I desperately wish I could type. Oh, I would give anything to say that the story ends here. But alas, my mission is not to weave happy endings where they do not occur, but to report the actual events in the lives of the unfortunate Baudelaire children. And as much as it pains me, I must confess that their troubles had only just begun. And it did so with two musical notes. [Stephano rings the doorbell]"

"Oh, sorry. My ribbon had just jammed. Lemme just adjust it here. [fixes the ribbon] There we are. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. The attack of the Incredibly Deadly Viper."

"If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels. If you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it."

"This should be an excellent opportunity to walk out of the theatre, living room, or airplane where this film is being shown. Still not too late to see a film about a happy little elf."

"Darkening theaters December 17."

"We're very concerned."

"Ruining Christmas December 17."

"Mishaps. Mayhem. Misadventures. Oh joy."

"At last a holiday movie without all that pesky hope and joy."

"This holiday, Christmas cheer takes a break."

"Don't say we didn't warn you."

"On December 17, Christmas cheer takes a holiday."

"Jude Law — Voice of Lemony Snicket"

"Kara and Shelby Hoffman — Sunny"

"Meryl Streep — Josephine"

"Jamie Harris — Fernald"

"Jane Adams — White-Faced Woman #2"

"Craig Ferguson — The Person of Indeterminate Gender"

"Jennifer Coolidge — White-Faced Woman #1"

"Luis Guzman — Bald Man"

"Cedric the Entertainer — The Constable"

"Billy Connolly — Dr. Montgomery "Monty" Montgomery"

"Catherine O'Hara — Justice Strauss"

"Timothy Spall — Mr. Poe"

"Kids don't like it when their parents get divorced."

"Luke Wilson - Dr. Peter Flynn"

"Connie Nielsen - Mrs. Calloway"

"Stephen McCole - Magnus Buchan"

"Sara Tanaka - Margaret Yang"

"Mason Gamble - Dirk Calloway"

"Brian Cox - Dr. Nelson Guggenheim"

"Seymour Cassel - Bert Fischer"

"Olivia Williams - Rosemary Cross"

"Bill Murray - Herman Blume"

"Jason Schwartzman - Max Fischer"

"All's fair when love is war."