The Apprentice (British TV series)

"Jenny Celerier: All day it's been like I've had to breastfeed the pair of you. (to Lucinda and Shazia, with a puzzled look from Sir Alan)"

"Simon Smith: (During Team Renaissance's victory) What-ho, bloke? Top tea."

"Jenny Celerier: (to Lucinda) Can you be quiet, please? (slower) Can, You, Be, Quiet, Please?"

"Raef Bjayou: Let's absolutely, kick...arse. (before setting of to do the task.)"

"Simon Smith: (on Raef) Laurence of Araefia. The strange, posh enigma!"

"Michael Sophocles: (on the phone) It's Michael. Simon Smith: Sorry, I can't here you. We're in the laundry. Michael Sophocles: Yeah, I thought you might be!"

"(Moments before Shazia's firing) Sir Alan Sugar:Shazia... Shazia Wahab: Please..."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Alpha) How was the team leader? Lindi Mngaza: Good. Sir Alan Sugar: Everybody happy with the team leader? (slight pause) Claire Young: We had our ups and downs but overall it was good. Sir Alan Sugar: Ups and downs? (another brief pause) You think your team worked well for you? Jenny Celerier: I didn't feel like I had a hundred percent commitment from some of my team. Sir Alan Sugar:Anybody in particular? Jenny Celerier: Yes, certainly Sir Alan. Lucinda, most definitely I felt I had an enormous amount of issues with her throught the course of my task. Margaret Mountford: One of your clients is still looking for some of his clothing I think. Jenny Celerier: Yes, we had an issue with some lost articles when we returned the items to the... Sir Alan Sugar: Lost, some stuff? Jenny Clerier: Yes, we did Sir Alan. Two shirts. Sir Alan Sugar: You lost the fellow's shirts? Jenny Celerier: Yes. Sir Alan Sugar: I bet he was very upset, was he not? Claire Young: I don't think he'd want us to do his washing again. (slight pause) Sir Alan Sugar: No. I tell you what, I'm going to Margaret to deduct £50 off whatever you brought back to compensate this fellow. (turning to Renaissance) Gentlemen. Do you think you've taken the ladies to the cleaners? Much of Renaissance: Yes we do. Sir Alan Sugar: Who's your team leader? (Raef puts his hand up and everyone shows him to Sir Alan) Many of Renaissance: Raef. Sir Alan Sugar: Good team leader? (much more enthusiastic response from Renaissance) Sir Alan Sugar: (clearly surprised about the much more enthusiastic response to Raef than Jenny) Woah! Woah!"

"Lucinda Ledgerwood: Will you please stop using my name in vain?"

"Jenny Celerier: I have to say Lucinda, I am absolutely, thoroughly disappointed about your behavior tonight. I just want to highlight that point with you- Lucinda Ledgerwood: Give me some examples. Jenny Celerier: This evening I've watched you, you...we've got two minutes to get the bloody napkins out to the van. You're supposed to be unloading them from the tumble dryer and you're taking one out and folding it upon the side! You're taking one out...when I have team members who are doing such ludicrous, stupid things it means that I'm having to concentrate and direct a disproportional amount of my time on managing you and making sure that you're not doing absolutely stupid things. Lucinda Ledgerwood: You sat there... Jenny Celerier: Number two...Number two... (Lucinda tries to retaliate but Jenny has none of it) I haven't finished. Lucinda Ledgerwood: Please let me retaliate... Jenny Celerier: I have not finished. I am the project manager and I haven't finished. Lucinda Ledgerwood: Please let me retaliate on the point- Jenny Celerier: I have not finished. You can give your feedback to me when I've finished. Okay? Do you understand? (Lucinda tries to retaliate again but Jenny, again, is not having any of it.) Lucinda Ledgerwood: Not okay. Jenny Celerier: When we had what was probably a hundred napkins in that tumble dryer you didn't take one napkin out, put it on the side and fold it up. That's not fact. Lucinda Ledgerwod:Please can you not shout at me for a start? Jenny Celerier: That's not fact. Lucinda Ledgerwood: What I consider is having a sleep and we can discuss this in the morning. Jenny Celerier: No. The fact that you're not answering it leads me to... Lucinda Ledgerwood: It's not! Jenny Celerier: believe that you are not actually capable of acknowledging where you have gone wrong. That doesn't help the team dynamics at all! That is like a fungus that starts eating away at the positivity of the team! Lucinda Ledgerwood: The reason why I started to... Jenny Celerier: It's absolutely stupid. (By this point Jenny has reduced Lucinda to tears. At this point, Sara tries to defend Lucinda) Sara Dhada: You just go on and on about one thing. You don't know what's going on. You take one side of the story and then you just attack. (Jenny looks on as if nothing happened) (back at the house the rest of Alpha wait for Jenny, Lucinda, Sara and Helene. Lucinda enters the house in tears having been berated by Jenny) Claire Young: (paying scant regard and pretty sarcastically) Oh my god (!) Lucinda's crying (!) (Jennifer on the other hand pays even less regard) Jennifer Maguire: For fuck's sake!"

"Ian Stringer: There are two types of people in the world; Winners and... I don't know how to say the word, I can't say it, and I won't say it. (at the start of the episode; Ian lost as team leader that week, and was fired)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: How was Ian as a team leader? (long pause) Ian Stringer: Don't all speak at once, guys."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Ian, you lost. A word that's not in your vocabulary, I understand."

"Sir Alan Sugar: You haven't got a bloody clue, not a bloody clue! (to Renaissance)"

"Kevin Shaw: We can! We've got to prepare the food! Tell them to do it! Ian Stringer: Kevin, we've got to go! Kevin Shaw: Right, if we don't have the food ready, it's your fault. Ian Stringer: Fine! Kevin Shaw: Right, fine."

"Ian Stringer: Can you get us black bags? Lee McQueen: Black bags?! Why have I got to go and buy black bags?! Fucking tin openers! You havin' a laugh or what?"

"Michael Sophocles: (singing) And more, much more than this. I did it my way!"

"Kevin Shaw: I've never seen, so much delegation in my life! "Any chance you can wipe my bum, 'cause I just don't know how to do it." That's what it was like! You know, he didn't do nothing!"

"Lee McQueen: (on the phone to Ian and Kevin) I'm concerned. Lee McQueen is concerned."

"Jenny Celerier: (to Lucinda after she accuses Jennifer of being vindictive and making personal attacks on her) You have made yourself in a position of victim and portray other people in a very bad light to actually elevate your position. And I don't believe that what you're saying is a) correct, b) accurate and I think that you are a highly manipulative young lady."

"Simon Smith: Yeah, I need more cheese. I'm alright on on mushrooms, tomatoes. I need ham, I need palma ham, I need tuna. I need...I need fucking everything!"

"Lucinda Ledgerwood: I am technically useless."

"Lucinda Ledgerwood: How dare you! (to Helene)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Simon, if I asked you to build me a wall, you'd build me a wall, I'm pretty sure of that. If I asked you to dig me a trench, you'd dig me a trench. But I'm not sure that if I asked you to run my investment portfolio, you'd be able to do that very well. I'm sorry my friend, I think you're a little bit out of your depth here. And with regret, you're fired. *Simon Smith: Thank you for a wonderful opportunity. Sir Alan Sugar: (Quietly) Okay. (Simon turns to face Sir Alan once more) Simon Smith: Thank you Sir Alan. Goodbye."

"Lucinda Ledgerwood: As I have said, I will be out there, take the CDs and the pictures and burn them, and take them back out! Helene Speight: Fantastic!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Lucinda, you are a risk manager. What is the risk of you being fired here today? Lucinda Ledgerwood: The probability is one in three! Sir Alan Sugar:...What a brainstorm that was."

"Raef Bjayou: (on the phone) My name's Raef. I'm C.E.O of Alpha Luxury Ice Creams."

"Lee McQueen: You know what I smelt then? Perfection!"

"Clinton Cards Representative: Do you think that's actually going to make someone smile? (Reads from card) "A bath uses 120 litres of water, whereas a shower only uses 30. Being more efficient in the way you wash will stop your money going down the drain. Bathe less, shower more." Kevin Shaw: If you don't put your weight behind it, then it's just the same as the US saying, "We don't care about pollution." (Stunned looks from the Clinton Cards Representatives)"

"Nick Hewer: No apostrophe in the history of the English language has ever been argued over so fiercely."

"(Renaissance have sold 6,000 cards so far; Alpha 3,000. One supplier left to go...) Margaret Mountford: Celebrations didn't buy any from Renaissance. Sir Alan Sugar: Right. And Celebrations for Alpha? Nick Hewer: They were keener. They bought 19,500. (very enthusiastic response from most of Alpha except, at first, for Helene. Then two seconds later she smiles) Michael Sophocles: (punches table) COME ON! COME ON! Lee McQueen: That's what I'm talking about! (long pause and shocked look from Margaret) Sir Alan Sugar: This is not a football match. This outburst of yours is...not something I would condone in this boardroom. Michael Sophocles: I apologise, Sir Alan."

"Sir Alan Sugar: I can tell you Kevin that Clinton Cards, for example, reported that your pitch was dreadful. They found you a bit cocky, they found you preaching to them. Not selling them cards, preaching to them! There was a smell of arrogance about you, they felt. Did anyone else put themselves forward? (Claire and Jenny raise their hands) You two did? Margaret Mountford: Can I just say that perhaps it was a good thing that Jenny didn't do it? She actually told Clintons that because of environmental concerns she wasn't buying so many cards any more. Sir Alan Sugar: Is that right? Jenny Celerier: (proudly) Yes, I did, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: How can you make a statement on one hand that "I don't buy so many cards any more," and then come up with the concept, that this is what we should do?! Jenny Celerier: I really do passionately believe that this is still a viable concept, and that pitched correctly it could... Sir Alan Sugar: Oh, I'll tell you what, it's beyond my comprehension, this is."

"Sir Alan Sugar: This whole task turned out a fiasco, and as team leader I hold you totally responsible. Kevin, you're fired!"

"Raef Bjayou: (rehearsing his pitch at night) Through our cards we put forward to you (clears throat) the notion of the Singles' day, we have created not only a product for you but a diary entry! Michael Sophocles: (clearly tired of hearing Raef's pitch) That was absolutely amazing. Now can you just please shut the fuck up?"

"Claire Young: Look, a snake! Ugh! I hate snakes. If Sir Alan, for a Million Pound, came up to me and said "Claire, kiss that snake.", I'd say. "I'm sorry. I'd rather kiss you!""

"(In the boardroom after the kosher chicken incident) Sir Alan Sugar: It's an insult to the Muslim religion, let alone the Jewish religion. On your CV, what did you say on there? You're a good Jewish boy. Michael Sophocles: I'm not, I'm only half Jewish, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: Well, you either are or you aren't, yeah? Michael Sophocles: I'm a nice Jewish boy. Sir Alan Sugar: OK, because if you're unsure, you can always pull your trousers and we can check."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Is it right that you went to a Muslim halal butcher and asked him to give you a kosher chicken, and he actually made a prayer over it, is that right? Michael Sophocles: That's correct, Sir Alan. Margaret Mountford: And he slaughtered it for you? Michael Sophocles: That's correct. Sir Alan Sugar: Are you having a laugh or what? I don't know why you didn't go the whole hog, and find a Roman Catholic priest to take the butcher's confession. You're here because you're supposed to be intelligent people, it's unbelievable! Aren't you embarrassed, Michael? Michael Sophocles: I am embarrassed, yes, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: Do you know what the word L'Chaim means? Michael Sophocles: I know what the word schmuck means. Sir Alan Sugar: (repeating the question) No, but do you know what the word L'Chaim means? Michael Sophocles: No. Sir Alan Sugar: (shocked) You don't?!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: You know what? I think this team was totally out of control. It's the people who made the mistakes in buying the products that I can point at, or I can point at the team leader. Be under no illusion, there's no rule, no written rule, that I just have to get rid of one person. There's three terrible mistakes here. I don't give a shit! I'll fire three of you if I have to, I'll fire the whole bloody five of you! Don't bother me at all! It's up to you, you open your bloody mouth, or I'll just make some quick decisions."

"(Sir Alan, Margaret and Nick continue the discussion alone...) Nick Hewer: How can he not know what a kosher chicken is? He did classics at Edinburgh, he's a bright enough boy, how could he make such a mess of things?. Margaret Mountford: Well, I think Edinburgh's not what it used to be."

"Sir Alan Sugar: You know what, it seems that you hang on every word that I say and turn it on your colleagues. No good, no good. Sorry, same old story. Jenny, you're fired. Goodbye! (Jenny gets up and leaves) Right, who's next?"

"Lee McQueen: (on the phone to Raef) Just to let you know, we fucking just nailed the blue cactus as well.(laughs) Come on. Raef Bjayou: (to a seller after he hangs up the phone) Sorry about the bad language you heard there."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Jenny, you are a woman of the world. Slightly older than the rest of the people here. (Jenny smiles as he says this) Jenny Celerier: It's my birthday today Sir Alan. I'm thirty-six today. Sir Alan Sugar: (paying somewhat scant regard) Congratulations. At 36 are you telling me you've never heard of the term "analogy kosher" and you don't know that's associated with Jewish people? Jenny Celerier: (nodding and shaking her head at the same time) No, Sir Alan."

"Raef Bjayou: I think that we need to remember that those in a size 16-32 dress, are size 16-32 for a reason: they love cake."

"Michael Sophocles: They're just dumb-dumbs. (after failing to sell a cake to some brides-to-be)"

"Sir Alan Sugar: The fundamental flaw here is that the selling approach was wrong, in the sense that you're not selling double glazing. Michael Sophocles: I didn't sell it like a hard-sell double glazing. Nick Hewer: Really? Sara Dhada: We tried our absolute best to sell those cakes, it was really difficult. The first questions, we were asking, "Are you getting married, who are you getting married to? Really interested in their wedding. It is new, it's all edible..." [Sir Alan winces; Nick and Margaret look at Sara disapprovingly] Sara Dhada: "...You can do this to it, you can do that to it, you can have different colours put in it, it'll be like a wow factor at your wedding." We explained all these points, and it was so difficult to... Sir Alan Sugar: Listen, I'll tell you what. If I had been one of the recipients of your sales pitch, if it's anything like what you're doing now, I would have gotten hold of your head and pushed it in the bloody cake!"

"(in order to generate sales for Alpha, Raef tries on the bear costume slipping on the bear's head) Raef Bjayou: (laughing for a second) I'm going to suffocate in this thing!"

"Lucinda Ledgerwood: Stop it! Not on! Naughty, Naughty, Naughty!"

"Lucinda Ledgerwood: I don't like the boxing, I don't like the colors, and I don't like the pictures on it and to me that is... Lee McQueen: So, is it underlying factor then that you shouldn't have volunteered to go and look at the fucking... Lucinda Ledgerwood: I didn't FUCKING volunteer!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Renaissance) I didn’t send you out to do a remake of Ben-Hur!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Renaissance) You made one, not one, The biggest error. The biggest error going: I don't know what your bloody advert's about! I do not know what it's about! It doesn't mention the word "tissues" once in the voice-over, you've got this little box of tissues down the bottom that... and a little strap-line down the bottom and it would not sell any tissues. It might make me or my grandmother or my auntie smile and look at the little kid crying and think "Ahhhh" like that but it ain't gonna make me look for those on the shelf! You lost! I'm sorry, you lost and it's not my opinion. This is the opinion of the three professionals I consulted today, and I am so frustrated because you did 90-5% of the work! A much better cinema-graphic, representation than these people. Much, much better but I'm sorry, you lost! (To Alpha) You won because your horrible advert, your horrible box threw it in the people's face, the actor there was talking about tissues three times, he brought out the anti-bacterial thing which is one of the points that I wanted to mention. You had the box in big shot, in the picture, on the mum's lap, you had it again somewhere else and at the end pack shot you had it there. (tapping Alpha's box) That's the thing I'm gonna remember. You won, so well done."