The Apprentice (British TV series)

"Mike Soutar: How much of your business plan did your father write? Tom Gearing: He didn't write any of it. Mike Soutar: None of it at all?"

"Jade Nash: (after an interview) Absolutely slaughtered!"

"Jaz Ampaw-Farr: Aw, man!"

"Lord Sugar: Ladies, who's gonna be the project manager? Jaz Ampaw-Farr: I am!"

"Lord Sugar: I've got a pile of CVs here. It's full of the usual BS! I'm sick and tired of that bloody rubbish to be quite honest with you, 'cause actions speak louder than words!"

"Zeeshaan Shah: Let me speak to him! Neil Clough: It's alright guys. Thank you. (he hangs up) Zeeshaan Shah: (taking the phone off Neil) Listen! I need to speak to him! Do you not understand that?! I said it about seven times mate! Neil Clough: Listen! Listen! What do you want to say? Zeeshaan Shah: I said it seven times! Tim Stillwell:He's still there... Zeeshaan Shah: (to Neil) I want to tell them where to sell those jackets! Neil Clough: Zee! Zee! Listen to me... Zeeshaan Shah: When I'm saying something seven times... Neil Clough: Why are you shouting? Zeeshaan Shah: Because I said something seven times... Neil Clough: Alright, well here's the eighth time! Ring them back. Zeeshaan Shah: Yeah, they're here. Hello?"

"Leah Totton: I'm the person who knows the most about the costs. I should do the next sale. Luisa Zissman: I do this every day. I run three businesses, all of which are sales. Leah Totton: This is huge... Luisa Zissman: No offense but you're a doctor. Leah Totton: You cannot possibly say that! You can't possibly say that! Luisa Zissman: I should do it. Leah Totton: I really don't think you should. Luisa Zissman: Why not? Leah Totton: Because I think I'll be better. Luisa Zissman: Why do you think you'll be better? Leah Totton: Because I know the figures. Do you know the figures? Luisa Zissman: Well, you've got them written down so all I have to do is to look at them. Leah Totton: And you'll memorize them in that time? Luisa Zissman: Yeah, I think I can memorize a few figures."

"Neil Clough: Behind every good project manager there's a Neil Clough."

"Alex Mills: Jason, will you be quiet you silly shit?!"

"Lord Sugar: How do you send people to a brewery that don't drink? In Zee's case particularly, he is as dry as a cream cracker in the bleeding Sahara Desert!"

"Lord Sugar: I'm sitting here thinking to myself, you're all a bloody waste of space at the moment. I mean, the basic fundamentals; counting, calculations, locations, where you are going to sell. These are very elementary things."

"Lord Sugar: This is simple multiplications, it is not rocket science."

"Jason Leech: Not you Jordan, somebody average size!"

"Lord Sugar: (commenting on a poorly designed piece of furniture that the girl's team failed to sell) Functional, yes. Functional in the sense that it's easy to wheel it out to the skip to throw it away!"

"(Before the task briefing at the location where the candidates were told Lord Sugar wanted to meet them) Lord Sugar: Good evening. (echoes) The candidates: Good evening, Lord Sugar. (echoes)"

"Uzma Yakoob: I'm in the look good industry. Lord Sugar: That don't look good! Tidy-sidy, wishy-washy, poxy-boxy!"

"Karren Brady: Well you did say was the product had to be glueless. Lord Sugar: Glueless? More like bloody clueless!"

"Nick Hewer: (on Kurt's recycling chair) I've never come across such a revolting idea!"

"(After the task and collecting the results) Karren Brady: (to Evolve) They really liked your pitch... (Natalie and a few others smile while Endeavour look doubtful) And they really liked you guys... They hated the product. (Natalie's face falls. Similarly most of Evolve also show looks of devastation particularly Leah, Luisa and Francesca) And they didn't place any orders. (Whilst Evolve are shockeld that they lost, Endeavour show signs of celebration)"

"Alex Mills: (holding up a bunch of carrots) What are these?"

"Neil Clough: Kurt should be fired for the failure of this task! Kurt Wilson: Why am I the failure of the task?"

"Alex Mills: Fresh viagra? I don't need any of that, I'm from Wales!"

"Zeeshaan Shah: I know Dubai like the back of my hand."

"Lord Sugar: Thank God I didn't send you out to buy 20 camels, you'd come back with a packet of fags!"

"Lord Sugar: (upon seeing Endeavour's flag) Looks like a blooming napkin! Kurt Wilson: I agree with it. I made myself look like an idiot."

"Zeeshaan Shah: Oud is a perfume! Alex Mills: Zee, listen sunshine it's not! O-U-D-H is a perfume!"

"Natalie Panayi: (upon seeing the flag that isn't 6ft) That's...not six foot. Zeeshaan Shah: That's not six foot! Flag stitcher: Forty two centimeters by...seventy two centimeters? (Zeeshaan looks at Kurt who tries to work out the sum in his head)"

"Lord Sugar: (moments before firing Zeeshaan) Zee, your idea of going into business with me is going to do with international trading and real estate. And you've just demonstrated that you can't deal internationally!"

"Alex Mills: (on Zeeshaan) We've had know-it-all come in, thinks he knows it all, he's about as much use as a chocolate teapot."

"Jason Leech: (in an "Arabic" accent to an Emirati person while miming) You put a hat on it so it does not see. Like an eagle, a big bird. And you put it on your arm and it flies away."

"Leah Totton: We put Alex in a Sergeant-Major role-"

"Alex Mills: IS THIS THE BEST I CAN SEE?!"

"Francesca Macduff-Varley: You're talking to three people leading from the corporate world and you're telling them you don't like what they do?"

"(the first-ever task briefing) Sir Alan Sugar: Okay folks, in this factory over 3 million newspapers are going to be printed in a short period of time. By about 5 o'clock tomorrow night, they're all going to be sold. What these people have learned over the years is get it sold quickly and don't have any inventory left over. Now I can see you're all smartly dressed up suited and booted, maybe because you think you've heard the word "the financial times" and you've had something in your mind grander than what I've got in mind for you. Well, it's not very grand, it's not a city job, I'm gonna take you back to the grass roots where I started. You're going out in the streets tomorrow and you're gonna be selling something. A similar commodity to these newspapers: Flowers. They're also worthless the day afterwards. I'm gonna give each team £500, and you're gonna buy £500 worth of flowers, and then you're gonna get out in the street and start selling them. Nick is gonna be following the girls' team; Margaret, the boys team and the team that sells the most and has the most money at the end of the day is gonna win. And in the team that loses, one of you is gonna get fired."

"Adele Lock: I'm not in the right place here. And it will come as no surprise to you, Sir Alan, that I don't like what I'm doing. I've never been so undermined and demeaned in my life, to do some of these things. Margaret Mountford: What's demeaning about stocking an area of a shop and selling? Adele Lock: I haven't got a problem with that, I do that all the time, I'm a retailer. I have got personal emotional problems that's happening in my life, I'm sorry, this isn't for me. I'm going to leave today, so Sir Alan I'd like to make your job a lot easier, and Tim I'd like to make your job a lot easier. I'm going to leave it at that. Sir Alan Sugar: You know, it's an easy way out, Adele... Adele Lock: No, it's not an easy way out, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: It is. Look, Adele, I've been around a long time. You're a shrewd lady. Thank you for your little speech just now, but I wanna tell you this. Despite what Tim might have come up with today, you was going to go. You read it right, and the reason you was gonna go was because you took no notice of what I said outside the shop. I told you to be respectful to people, you have a problem being respectful to people, and I hope that you can contain that problem in the rest of your business life. I wish you well, I'm sorry about the problems you may have with your family and your emotions and all that stuff. It's a shame that it's gone this way. [to the rest of the team] You lot are dead lucky, that's all I can say to you. Adele Lock: *Outside the boardroom* Cheeky bastard."

"Paul Torrisi: First time we have a girl as a project leader and it's the first time we lose. Matthew Palmer: (laughs) That's irrelevant. We couldn't have kept on that streak while some of our team were being- Paul Torrisi: Give a woman a position of power and they go fucking doolally. All of a sudden they think they're Adolf flamin' Hitler."

"Raj Dhonota: The whole group was fully snotty though. (On First Forte) Saira Khan: (normal vocie) Well they are. They've got (posh voice) Sebastian who talks very terribly posh and they've got, oh James, who knows everybody in London. (Normal voice)Oh, yea- he must have gone through the list and gone (higher posh voice) Oh. Victoria Daid had them round for tea the other day and the person who had gone the Goldman's Sachs and my mother's related to him. (slowly going back to normal) And oh-ladi plum. (back to normal voice) And they've got Miriam who plays the piano and Miss Artistic..."

"Paul Torrisi: I can sell anything Sir Alan Sugar: Well, you didn't."

"Paul Torrisi: There's a slight pause, and then it's a giggle. [Actor laughs half-heartedly] Not funny enough! Raj Dhonota: Tell him a friggin' joke man! What's the matter with you? Paul Torrisi: Okay. An aardvark walked into a pub, and the barman said, "Why the long face?" Raj Dhonota: I dunno. Paul Torrisi: Well... that's the joke. An aardvark has a long face. Raj Dhonota: Oh."

"Sir Alan Sugar: You should have stuck to Mac Man like shit to a blanket."

"Paul Torrisi: I am a Roman Catholic and God is my witness: I shook her hand outside. Sir Alan Sugar: Yeah? Well, I'm Jewish and I couldn't care less."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (in the first "With regret" firing) Sebastian, you're the one that's worried me the most today. People tend to seem to take the characteristics of their products I think, I personally have always been a very "Bang, bang, get stuff made, that's Amstrad." That's me, good quality products, a bit rough and ready. I see you more as a Cartier and Rolls Royce man to be perfectly frank and it's with regret that I'm going to tell you: You're Fired."

"Paul Torrisi: We never bought the bloody venison; we were over at the bloody printers!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Paul, why shouldn't I fire you?"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Ben before firing him) You say in your CV "in my career I win all the time." Well I tell you, this time you haven't won. 'Cause this time, You're Fired!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: Viscoelastic foam? What a load of bollocks. What a pile of tat that is there, honestly. A lump of bloody foam for a hundred and fifty-four pounds. I'll tell you what son, you sell any of them, you're a bloody good salesman, that's all I can say. (about James and Saira's airbed choice, which then went on to sell extremely well)"

"(The beginning of the very first interviews and the introduction of the interviewers) Sir Alan Sugar: You may be wondering what we're going to get up to today and you may also be wondering about some of these new faces that you see here. Now what's going to happen here is, is that you lot are going to go through a grueling interview. And at the end of the interview session, they're going to sit down with me and they're going to give me their opinion about whether any of you are worthy of working for me. Nick and Margaret are very well known to you. (the camera focuses on Sir Alan's troubleshooter Claude Littner who stands in the middle.) Now Claude, he's actually been in Denmark for me, he's been in Paris, he actually ran Tottenham Hotspur for quite a while, that's why he's lost a bit of hair. (Claude smiles vaguely. On Claude's right is Bordan Tkachuk) Bordan has been in Australia, he's been in Italy and currently runs our computer organization at Viglen. (The camera focuses finally on Paul Kemsley) Now Paul doesn't actually work for me but he's associated with me, okay? He's a very successful businessman in his own right. And he's here to give me a view from a younger perspective."

"Flashback Bordan Tkachuk: Well, you tell me. It's called The Apprentice. Flashback Paul Torrisi: Yes, we've come here to be apprentices to Sir Alan... Flashback Bordan Tkachuk: Mm-hm? Flashback Paul Torrisi: But by that same token, I think he wants someone with some experience. (back in the boardroom) Bordan Tkachuk: I think he got confused, I don't think he knows he's here to be an apprentice. I think he's here, in fact, to be your troubleshooter. To put all your wrongs and ills to right. Sir Alan Sugar: Trouble maker, maybe."

"Paul Torrisi: Yes, I am Italian. I do have a temper... Margaret Mountford: That's not an excuse for having a temper."

"(The first firing) Sir Alan Sugar: James, you haven't convinced me. I don't think you're a long term player for me to be perfectly honest, that's my... that's my only reason. I think you've been excellent, very professional. I'm letting you go, You're Fired."