"We have been getting screwed by the system. The system that forces us guys to like girls. All right? We're getting pushed into this. What if we just take the girls out of it? We can have our own system, it's a counter-system. And then, you do things together, you swim, you row, you... boat, you eat, you stink. We can just be guys! You can have sex, you can do it, you know, many guys at a time, but it's not gay."

"You know what, boys? Why don't you just let me take care of it. You treat a hot girl like dirt, and she'll stick to you like mud."

"You are so awesome, your room is so awesome, your phone is kick-ass, and you know what? I love you."

"You're going down!"

"No one calls me a retard, you FREAKIN' HOBO!!!!"

"I had a nickname for you! And now I'm not gonna tell you. Okay......... It was Laser."

"Be excellent to each other."

"Party on dudes!"

"Shut up Ted."

"Clifford David - Ludwig van Beethoven"

"Robert V. Barron - Abraham Lincoln"

"Jane Wiedlin - Joan of Arc"

"Al Leong - Genghis Khan"

"Rod Loomis - Dr. Sigmund Freud"

"Tony Steedman - Socrates"

"Dan Shor - Billy the Kid"

"Terry Camilleri - Napoleon"

"George Carlin - Rufus"

"Alex Winter - Bill S. Preston, Esq."

"Keanu Reeves - "Ted" Theodore Logan"

"The funniest comedy in the history of history."

"Brace yourself amigos for a most triumphant video! (UK VHS box)"

"Party on, dudes!"

"Time flies when you're having fun."

"History is about to be rewritten by two guys who can't spell..."

"[first lines] Hi. Welcome to the future: San Dimas, California - 2688. And I'm telling you, it's great here. The air is clean. The water is clean. Even the dirt is clean! Bowling averages are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down, and we have more excellent water slides than any other planet we communicate with. I'm telling you, this place is great, but it almost wasn't. You see, seven hundred years ago, the Two Great Ones ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two along the correct path, the basis of our society will be endangered. Ah, but don't worry: it'll all make sense. I'm a professional."

"Just break the wrist, and walk away. Break the wrist; walk away."

"Shondrella Avery - LaFawnduh Lucas"

"Trevor Snarr - Don"

"Emily Kennard - Trisha Stevens"

"Haylie Duff - Summer Wheatly"

"Sandy Martin - Grandma"

"Tina Majorino - Deb"

"Diedrich Bader - Rex"

"Aaron Ruell - Kip Dynamite"

"Jon Gries - Uncle Rico"

"Efren Ramirez - Pedro Sanchez"

"Jon Heder - Napoleon Dynamite"

"Same planet...different flippin' world."

"It's Gonna Be a Dynamite Summer"

"He's out to prove he's got nothing to prove."

"[officiating a wedding] I would like to give you this advice that a fellow gave me some years ago. He said, "When an argument arises, if you go outside and take a nice walk, you'll calm down and you can come back, and it won't be an argument. And you'll find that it helps your health; all that fresh air and exercise will do you a lot of good.""