"[to Anna] Listen, sweetheart, if I don't come back, I forgive you for whatever happened between you and Lt. Sobinsky... but if I do come back, you're in a lot of trouble!"

"That is the movie!"

"Without Jews, fags, and gypsies, there is no theater."

"Mel Brooks - Frederick Bronski"

"[Of Frederick's performance] What he did to Hamlet we are now doing to Poland."

"Anne Bancroft - Anna Bronski"

"Charles Durning - S.S. Colonel Erhardt"

"Vat do you mean you haven't got proof? Dat is no excuse! Arrezt zem! Vat? Vere? Vy? VEN? From now on, ven in doubt, arrezt zem! Arrezt zem! Arrezt zem! Arrezt zem! Zen shoot zem and interrogate zem! Oh, you are right, just shoot zem!"

"Ladies and gentlemen: In the interest of clarity and sanity, the rest of this movie will not be in Polish."

"Oh, but that's enough talk about me. Let's talk about you. How'd you like me in the first act?"

"[about Frederick] He's world famous in Poland."

"Tim Matheson - Lieutenant Andrei"

"Paul Ratliff - Naval officer"

"Scott Beach - Narrator"

"Tucker Smith - Klotskis Klown"

"Phil Adams - Airport sentry"

"Curt Lowens - Airport officer"

"Terence Marsh - Startled British officer"

"Sigourney Weaver as "The Big Guy""

"Blythe Danner as Tara Walton"

"Jane Lynch as Pat Stevenson"

"Jason Bateman as Special Agent Lorenzo Zoil"

"Bill Hader as Agent Haggard"

"Joe Lo Truglio as Agent O'Reilly"

"Simon Pegg as Graeme Willy"

"Nick Frost as Clive Gollings"

"Ever felt a little alien? (UK poster)"

"Seth Rogen as Paul (voice)"

"Kristen Wiig as Ruth Buggs"

"(to Haggard and O’Reilly) Listen to me, Frick and Fuck, I want you to tell me everything you remember about the pissy nerds."

"Three tits. That's awesome."

"(after shooting the communicator) Boring conversation anyway."

"There were many sights they planned to see. This was not one of them."

"Aliens aren’t called Paul."

"(after being asked about having sex with a girl dressed like an Ewok) Well, she was furry nice."

"This Spring, they're all for one and one for Paul."

"Mother fucking titty-sucking two-balled bitch!"

"Clive likes boning space bears!"

"He needs our help. Sometimes you just got to roll the dice."

"Clive, I can feel your boner."

"We’re just a couple of regular guys on a tour of the less touristy side of the American Midwest."