"Sex can be fun... when you're old enough, which none of you are. I should know. When you lose it to some guy named Junior with bad breath in the back of a van at a Guns N' Roses concert, you're gonna wish you had listened to your mother when she said, "They're not gonna want to buy the whole friggin' ice cream truck when you're handing out the popsicles for free!" [giggles and sighs] ...So, any questions? [every hand goes up]"

"Michael Vartan - Sam Coulson"

"Rob, you're not going to believe it, I made friends with a whole table of rastafari. Not just one, a whole table... You know what's a weird word? Fork. Oh my God, someone ate my entire pie! I don't know how that happened!"

"I'm not Josie Grossie anymore!"

"Jessica Alba - Kirsten"

"Leelee Sobieski - Aldys"

"Somebody once said, "To write well, you have to write what you know." Well, here is what you know..."

"Joy Boushel as Melissa"

"Abe Vigoda as Grandpa"

"Olympia Dukakis as Rosie"

"Twink Caplan as Rona"

"Jason Schaller, Jaryd Waternoose, Jacob Haines, and Christopher Aydon as Michael "Mikey""

"Kirstie Alley as Mollie"

"George Segal as Albert"

"Joan Rivers as the voice of Julie (uncredited)"

"John Travolta as James Ubriacco"

"He has got John Travolta's smile, Kirstie Alley's eyes and the voice of Bruce Willis...Now all he has to do is find himself the perfect daddy."

"[Seeing a commercial for Snuggle fabric softener] Hey, it is the Bear Show! This guy is great."

"(After Mikey gets born, she sees married men looking at the baby ward congratulating their wives and passing out cigars celebrating their newborns) Look at all those daddies down there. They are making goofball faces and taking pictures. Well, you will not find your father here. I really messed things up for you. I do not want you to be upset, because I am going to go out there and find you a daddy, and this time I am going to be smart about it. I am not going to go for some handsome guy just because I am in love with him. You are the only thing that matters to me, and I am going to go out there and I am going to get you the best daddy there is."

"He is hip, he is slick and he is only three months old."

"Vladimir Dolinskiy — Pastor"

"Leonid Bronevoy — Duke of Hanover"

"Semyon Farada — Commander-in-Chief"

"Yuriy Katin-Yartsev — Thomas"

"Igor Kvasha — Burgomaster"

"Aleksandr Abdulov — Heinrich Rammkopf"

"Vsevolod Larionov — Judge"

"Leonid Yarmolnik — Theophil von Münchhausen"

"Order to Army: general mobilization! Call all reservists. Cancel vacations. Form the Guard on the central square. Dress code — summer, full dress. Blue uniforms with gold trim. Sewn in sleeves. Wide lapels. The waist 10 cm lower than in peace time... that is higher."

"Where is my military uniform?.. What?! Me — in this? Single-breasted?! What, you don't know what's no one is fighting single-breasted anymore? What a disgrace! The war is on the doorstep, but we are not ready!"

"Inna Churikova — Jacobine von Münchhausen"

"Baron, you are a reasonable man. I have always treated you with sympathy. I respected your way of thinking: loose shoulder line, skinny pantaloons. Could you be an example for our youth. It needs it so much."

"At first, celebrations were planned, then arrests. Then they decided to combine them."

"Yelena Koreneva — Martha"

"Being somewhat nervously overexcited, the Duke suddenly grabbed and signed several petitions for divorce with the words: “Free, free everyone!”"

"I have called you together, gentlemen, to tell you an unpleasant piece of news. Damn it, what a great line to start a play. I'll have to suggest it to someone. ["I have called you together, gentlemen, to tell you an unpleasant piece of news" is the first line from Nikolai Gogol's comedy "The Inspector-General" (1836)]"

"A serious face is not yet an indication of intellect. All the stupid things in the world are done with exactly that expression. Smile, gentlemen! Smile!"

"Tomorrow is the anniversary of your death. Are you trying to ruin our holiday?"

"I wish you would understand at last, that Münchhausen is famous not because he flew to the moon or because he didn't, but because he never lies!"

"Divorce is one of the highest achievements of mankind! It only takes a minute to fall in love. To get a divorce, sometimes you have to live 20 years together. It's been a tough 20 years but I don't regret them! Once upon a time, Socrates told me: "You should marry anyway. If you're lucky to get a good wife — you'll become a happy man. If you get a bad wife - you'll become a philosopher." Can't decide which is better..."

"I am not afraid to look ridiculous. Not everyone can afford it."

""I, Baron Munchhausen, an ordinary man..." Sounds like the beginning of a romance song. "I didn't fly to the moon." All right, I didn't. But... If you only knew, my dears, how beautiful moon is... White mountains and red stones at sunset... All right! I've never ridden on a cannonball... In that terrible battle with the Turks, when half of my regiment perished. They drove us into that damn swamp, but we held out! We held out and struck from the flank! But then my horse stumbled and began to sink. And then I grabbed my hair and pulled... and we rose above the sedge... I'll sign it... I'll sign... why tease the geese."

"There is no truth at all. The truth is what is currently considered the truth."

"Since no one needs an extra day of spring, let's forget about it. It's hard to live on such a day, but easy to die."

"Any love is legal if it is love."

"I won't let you drop the waist line to hips. After all, we are the center of Europe. I won't let any Spaniards to dictate terms to us. If you want a detachable sleeve — please. Do you want a pleated skirt with darts? I accept this too. But I will not let you to lower the waistline."

"Rammkopf: (reads Baron's day schedule) "Getting up at 6 a.m."!"

"Oleg Yankovskiy — Baron Münchhausen"

"John Michael Higgins - John Smith"

"Elizabeth Banks - Gail Abernathy-McKadden"