"Canterbury today is an interesting mix of traditional and modern buildings, due to the large number of bombs dropped during the last war. Even now the authorities regularly uncover unstable cases carrying decaying material which have to be handled with the greatest of care. Let me introduce four of them."

"You join us again at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham, where we've attracted a capacity audience of some 700, odd people."

"The area has become even more of a tourist attraction. Many come here and pay a few pounds to enjoy an uninterrupted 45 minute viewing of London and the Thames... as they wait for their Connex train to finally crawl off Hungerford Bridge. Or they can climb up to the top of the mighty tower of the Shell Centre to enjoy a panoramic vista right across half of London. You can't see the other half, because some fool has put a 700 foot bicycle wheel in the way."

"Jack Dee: "Dear Guinness Book of World Records: I have a collection of six Guinness Book of World Records. Is this the Guinness Book of World Records record for Guinness Book of World Records? Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Eddie Mair: Here's my favourite sound for your PM programme Listener's Favourite Sound feature - it's my radio off switch! *click* - Yours Silently, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Melvyn Bragg: Do it in your own time. Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Woman's Hour: Why waste money on baby-naming books when all the names you need can be found in the telephone directory? Yours, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Any chance of a signed photo for my grandson Dyno-Rod Emergency Hotline Trellis?""

"Jack Dee: "Dear teams: When I noticed in the Radio Times that your show was back, there were three big ticks next to the listing, so I sprayed them with DDT. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Pick of the Week: I do wish you'd use your hankey. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Shipping Forecast: I'm no prude, but why do doggers need to know which way the wind is blowing? Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Close by is Wycombe Air Park. This houses a fine collection of vintage aircraft including the Vickers Boxkite biplane, which one Bert Hinkler flew here in 1921. Racing the express train from London, he won by a full eleven minutes. Now aged 103, Mr. Hinkler celebrated by repeating the event in October this year...and beat the train by seven and a half hours. It would have been more, but the chain kept falling off his bike."

"As the grubby raincoat of time opens to reveal the upright Member of Parliament, and the categorical denial of destiny is swiftly followed by the resignation letter of fate..."

"Dear Mr Melly: Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole: tempt them up with a carrot and pull them out by their long floppy ears."

"Dear Mrs McCartney: My, what a terrible mess. You must be kicking yourself."

"Dear Rolf: They say a dog isn't just for Christmas. How true. You can use it for sandwiches all through January."

"A Mrs Trellis of North Wales has written in to complain that the show has 'an enormous fistful of rampant innuendo rammed into every crack', but only a truly filthy-minded person would think such a thing."

""Dear Mr. Gadaffi, You must be very proud. It's not every duck that becomes President."

"Dear Mr Titchmarsh: This morning I went out to dig up some dandelions and a giant hogweed on my lawn. The filthy beast! Yours faithfully, Mrs Trellis."

"Jack Dee: "Dear Mr. President: What were the chances of someone called Mr. President actually getting that job? Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Love your butter.""

""Dear David Dickinson, I can sum up why the BBC have your programme on TV every night in three words: Cheap As Chips."

""Dear Mr. Rees, I understand you're looking for suggestions for your 'Quote, Unquote' programme. Can you tell me where the expression 'Dull as Ditch Water' comes from?"

""Dear Mrs Lawley, Here's an idea: How about a celebrity version of 'Desert Island Disks'?"

""Dear Mr. Duggleby, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why does my typewriter always stick on the letter 'Y'?"

"Dear Dr. Clare, So pleased to hear that Tim Brooke-Taylor is back - without him the show was like Hamlet without the balcony scene."

""Dear Ned, I'm on the train!"

"Dear Rolf, Here's a handy hint: When you put the cat out, always use a high-quality fire extinguisher."

"Jack Dee: "Dear Ms. Toksvig: Here's one of my favourite cuttings, it's four miles of double-track just north of Crewe. Yours Truly, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Incidentally, you may be interested to know that Colin was once invited to produce albums for The Smiths in Manchester, before being headhunted by the Snappy Snaps in Wigan.""

"Jack Dee: "Incidentally, you may be interested to learn that Colin once worked with The Carpenters at the Royal Albert Hall... [audience laughter] ...I have got punchlines, please let me... And they haven't been able to shut the front door since!""

"Jack Dee: "You may not realise it, but Colin is worshipped at the piano. Every time he comes on stage, people say 'Oh God, Colin Sell!'""

"... the man who put the C into rap music ... Colin Sell!"

""But, I hear you ask, what possible use could there be for a dummy with two left hands? [significant pause] On the piano, Colin Sell!"

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, a man who doesn't know the meaning of "disharmony". He also has problems with the words "stop", "that", "dreadful" and "racket"."

"Jack Dee: "Listeners will be interested to hear that Colin recently picked up a Grammy, but she started to scream so he had to put her down again.""

"Actually, we were all very impressed to learn that Colin once played alongside Roy Orbison. Orbison, of course, was nicknamed 'The Big O', and in turn, he affectionately referred to Colin as 'That Little C'..."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who, we were interested to learn, was spotted back in 1969 playing with The Stones in Hyde Park. The keeper said if he caught Colin throwing them at the ducks again, he'd call the police."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who tells me that his musical influences are Middle-Eastern in origin... mostly Shi'ite!"

"Actually, it's been said that one has more chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a piano player like Colin Sell... which is why we all spent most of last week standing out in the rain holding metal rods."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell. Actually, listeners will be impressed to learn that back in the 60's, Colin asked Mick Jagger and Keith Richard if he could take the place of Brian Jones. They said yes, and threw him in the swimming pool."

"Musical accompaniment will be provided in this round at the piano by Colin Sell. Actually, listeners may be fascinated to learn that before Christmas, Colin was employed to play the piano for The Stranglers. You can imagine how things were livened up in that turkey abbatoir."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Co...[chokes] ... see, I even choke on the name!"

"Jack Dee: "Incidentally, Colin was telling us he once toured with Cardi B. Apparently, cardie "A" was at the dry cleaners.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Mr. Cameron: I saw you on the telly alongside your new chum Nick. So that's what they mean by conservative with a little 'c'. Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Actually, Colin was telling us before the show that he once toured Britain with The Monkees... then Mr. Chipperfield promoted him to the elephants and gave him a bigger shovel."

"Incidentally, pianist Colin Sell was once mistaken for a member of the Partridge Family... it took him nearly three weeks to pick the lead shot out of his backside."

"Accompaniment here will be provided by Colin Sell at the piano. Incidentally, we were all surprised to hear that Colin has recently been standing in for Oasis. He spent 4 days holding up a dried arrangement at the Chelsea Flower Show."

"Musical accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who tells me he's thinking of branching out into artist management. Apparently he has this dream of handling The Spice Girls. Mrs. Sell says it's the only thing that gets him up in the morning."

"Backing will be provided, as ever, by Colin Sell at the piano. Actually, we were interested to hear that Colin has recently been enjoying himself in the brass section. The manageress at Dorothy Perkin's says if she catches him in there again, she'll call the police."

"Now listeners will be surprised to hear that pop legend Cliff Richard once insisted that Colin played in The Shadows... but then, he's not a pretty sight in broad daylight."

"As ever, Colin Sell will be providing backup on the piano, although that's by no means his only instrument. In fact, I have a cutting here from Jazz Monthly magazine, written by their top reviewer. It reads: "When I heard Colin Sell playing the mouth organ, I rushed in just in time to catch his set. He really should use a stronger denture fixative if he's going to blow that hard.""