Radio Shows

"Jeremy Hardy: "This looks like a tow job to me.""

"Jeremy Hardy: "I'll give you a jump start and that should get you going in no time.""

"Barry Cryer: "Do you want to put it in first?""

"Jeremy Hardy: "You can always expect a bit of rattling in one this age.""

"Barry Cryer: "You've been turning this back, you little clock-teaser!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You've just put the lead back in my petrol!""

"Graeme Garden: "...and while we're at it, why don't we test for emissions?""

"Barry Cryer: "Let's play petrol pumps..."

"Graeme Garden: "I prefer a manual.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "What's a nice grill like you doing in a body like this?""

"Graeme Garden: "It'll cost you...""

"Jeremy Hardy: "I'll just roll you up onto the pavement and then we won't be in anybody's way.""

"Barry Cryer: "Is this a gear stick, or am I just pleased to see you?""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Give me your chassis number, and if you're free next week, I'll book you in for a service.""

"Graeme Garden: "No, I wouldn't call that a big end.""

"Stephen Fry: "Is your leg up in plaster, or are you just pleased to see me?""

"Graeme Garden: "I want you to have my babies...vaccinated.""

"Stephen Fry: "Seeing you in those stirrups, I thought you were Michael Howard.""

"Barry Cryer: "I can make a patient without disturbing the bed.""

"Stephen Fry: "Oh gallstones! - I thought that was a pistachio nut, I'm sorry!""

"Barry Cryer: "Did the bowels move for you?""

"Stephen Fry: "I must say I admire your guts - Will the doctor let you keep them?""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You've got the most beautiful new eyes.""

"Graeme Garden: "I hear you're looking for a fine specimen.""

"Stephen Fry: "Did anyone tell you you've got acute angina?""

"Barry Cryer: "Have you got any glasses? - I've found a bottle.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Nurse, I'm out of bed again!""

"Graeme Garden: "Cough!""

"Graeme Garden: I want to run my fingers through your hair, so pass it over."

"Barry Cryer: I want to put my tongue in your ear - take your deaf-aid out!"

"Graeme Garden: I could take you to a hip joint!"

"Barry Cryer: Your place or back to the sheltered accommodation?"

"Willie Rushton: Is that your colostomy bag, or are you just pleased to see me?"

"Graeme Garden: How's your back?"

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: No, that's a war wound! Fancy a Horlicks?"

"Graeme Garden: Hello...Who am I??"

"Willie Rushton: I say baby, let's lock Zimmer frames and rattle till we drop!"

"Barry Cryer: Oh, I see your glass is empty...do you mind if I put my teeth in?"

"Graeme Garden: "Daily Mail: Oedipus Lights Potato by Mistake""

"Graeme Garden: "The Sun: Phew! What a Scotsman!""

"Willie Rushton: "The Guardian: Borehamwood seen approaching Dungeness""

"Barry Cryer: "Gay News: Macbeth Outed - Admits laying on MacDuff""

"Graeme Garden: "The Telegraph: Danish Bloodbath - No Britons Hurt""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Sun tells the Prince: Just Be!""

"Graeme Garden: "The Guardian: Yesterday's headline 'Laughter at Elsinore' should have read 'Slaughter at Erinsbrough'""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Daily Express: Reprint of Ophelia's Panorama interview in full, where she says a surfeit of lampreys was just a cry for help""

"Graeme Garden: "The Stage: Touring players unexpectedly available for panto""

"Willie Rushton: "The Times: Blair says whittling-down of royal family a success""

"Barry Cryer: "Dog Breeder's Gazette: Great Dane puts self down!""

"Graeme Garden: "News of the World: Spot The Apple and Win A Skoda""