"[while beating a tailgater] Don't tailgate! Don't you ever tailgate! Do you know how much space is needed to stop a car traveling at 35 miles per hour? Six car lengths! Six fuckin' car lengths! That's a hundred and six fuckin' feet, mister! If I had to stop suddenly, you woulda hit me! I want you to get a fuckin' driver's manual, and I want you to study that motherfucker! And I want you to obey the the goddamn rules of the road! Fifty-fuckin' thousand people were killed on the highways last year 'cause of fuckin' assholes like you! Tell me you're gonna get a manual!"

"This is where mechanical excellence and 1,400 horsepower pays off."

"Tim Matheson - Alan Stanwyk"

"Geena Davis - Larry"

"Kenneth Mars - Stanton Boyd"

"George Wendt - Fat Sam"

"M. Emmet Walsh - Dr. Joseph Dolan"

"Richard Libertini - Frank Walker"

"Dana Wheeler-Nicholson - Gail Stanwyk"

"Joe Don Baker - Police Chief Jerry Karlin"

"Chevy Chase - Irwin M. 'Fletch' Fletcher"

"Fletch. Until last week, he was just another mild-mannered reporter fighting for truth, justice and a window office. Now he's being threatened, shot at, accused and arrested. And that's by the people he's trying to help. But there's still one thing even more dangerous than his work. His love life."

"Meet the only guy who changes his identity more often than his underwear."

"[narrating] As I pulled up to my palatial, imitation apartment building, I noticed the familiar red Oldsmo-Buick of Mr. Arnold T. Pants, Esquire. Attorney for the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher. Time to use the service entrance."

"Love your body, Larry."

"Can I call my mother? Tell her how much I love her?"

"Hey that's you and Tommy Lasorda... [smashes picture] I hate Tommy Lasorda."

"[Corrupt Police Chief Karlin surprises Stanwyk holding Fletch at gunpoint - said in the dryest manner possible] Thank God. The police."

"Hey! I think all of our problems may have just been solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeahhahhah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo wee! Oh boy, I lost. Again. Sorry."

"Mr. Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Marvin, Velma, and Provo."

"[singing] Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants..."

"In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one. To me."

"[server says, "muchas gracias" and Fletch responds] Tierra Del Fuego."

"Hey, don't talk to me that way, assface. I don't work for you yet."

"[after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door] Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass."

"I would have been here sooner, but a manure-spreader jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Gawdawful mess. You should see my shoes."

"[to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel] Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo."

"For another grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner."

"...and who would have known that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just whack [mimes door hitting him in the face] blood..."

"You know, if you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards."

"If you haven't guessed, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach lately. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doz...I'm talking about the hard stuff. I've been posing as an amiable, minor league junkie in order to get to the bottom of it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much."

"I didn't want to do this, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses."

"[to a Doberman Pinscher] Look, defenseless babies!"

"Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds."

"It was something your wife said while we were in bed together. She said we had the same build. From the waist up I imagine."

"Joan Miller - The Lush"

"Richard Long - Slade Thompson"

"Meg Randall - Helen"