"C.J. [On the Chicken Ranch Scandal] All we wanted to do was keep it quiet! Now thanks to Ed Earl, it's the hottest thing on the air since "The Gong Show"!"

"Everybody liked Ed Earl - especially Ed Earl."

"So, for awhile, as the story goes, the girls begin accepting poultry in trade: one bird, one lay. And that's how the place got its name: The Chicken Ranch!"

"[On the Chicken Ranch] If you grew up anywhere in Texas, you knew at an early age they was selling somethin' out there - and it wasn't poultry!"

"It was the nicest little whorehouse you ever saw!"

"[singing] Ooh, I love to dance the little sidestep / Now they see me, now they don't / I've come and gone / And ooh, I love to sweep around a wide step / Cut a little swath / And lead the people on!"

"The power of television, of public exposure - it scares me. I swear, I could get the mayor's own children to throw rocks at him!"

"Ed Earl, I think the best thing to do is to put this behind us, just as quick as we can. I've made a little money, I've laughed some, I've danced to the music... it's just time to pay the fiddler, that's all."

"They want me to close her down, run her out of town. How can I ask her to leave when all I want her to do is stay?"

"I couldn't be a ballerina now. I'm too top-heavy. I have a hard enough time balancin' these things now without gettin' on my toes!"

"Don't feel sorry for me. I started out poor, and I worked my way up to outcast."

"You know, it's always a business doing pleasure with you, Charlie!"

"Me jumpin' up and down? I'd black both my eyes!"

"It's slicker than cat shit on linoleum floor!"

"[On wearing a Speedo] Be like putting two bowling balls in a marble bag!"

"Boys, I got myself a pretty good bullshit detector, and I can tell when somebody's peeing on my boots and telling me it's a rainstorm."

"Teresa Maxwell-Conover - Miss Markham"

"Paul Hurst - Hefty"

"Libby Taylor - Lavinia"

"John Larkin - Rumbo"

"Five Cabin Kids - the Cabin Kids"

"Fred Kohler - Captain Blackie"

"Edward Pawley - Joe Patterson"

"John Miljan - Major Patterson"

"Claude Gillingwater Sr. - General Rumford"

"Gail Patrick - Elvira Rumford"

"Queenie Smith - Alabam'"

"Joan Bennett - Lucy Rumford"

"W. C. Fields - Commodore Jackson"

"Bing Crosby - Tom Grayson"

"Whilst travelling through the Andes mountains, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days!"

"Even a dead fish can float downstream."

"I like women as I like elephants, I like to look at 'em but I wouldn't own one."

"Never mind what I told you! You do as I tell you!"

"The chase is on!"

"Clifton James - Lem"

"Shoot a man for sleeping with someone's wife? That's silly. Half the town'd be wiped out."

"Paul Williams - Seymour"

"Diana Hyland - Elizabeth Rogers"

"James Fox - Jason "Jake" Rogers"

"Robert Duvall - Edwin Stewart"

"Richard Bradford - Damon Fuller"