"Matthew: [At Gareth's funeral] Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings. He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in. [Pause] In order to prepare this speech, I rang a few people, to get a general picture of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him. Fat seems to be a word people most connected with him. Terribly rude also rang a lot of bells. So very fat and very rude seems to have been a stranger's viewpoint. [pause] On the other hand, some of you have been kind enough to ring me to tell me that you loved him, which I know he'd be thrilled to hear. You remember his fabulous hospitality... his strange experimental cooking. The recipe for "Duck à la Banana" fortunately goes with him to his grave. Most of all, you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy. When joyful, when joyful for highly vocal drunkenness. [pause] But joyful is how I hope you'll remember him. Not stuck in a box in a church. Pick your favourite of his waistcoats and remember him that way. The most splendid, replete, big-hearted, weak-hearted as it turned out, and jolly bugger most of us ever met. As for me, you may ask how I will remember him, what I thought of him. Unfortunately, there I run out of words. Perhaps you will forgive me if I turn from my own feelings to the words of another splendid bugger: W. H. Auden. This is actually what I want to say: "Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. Silence the pianos and with muffled drum, Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let the aeroplanes circle, moaning overhead, Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'. Put crepe bows 'round the white necks of the public doves, Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest; My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song. I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now; put out every one, Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood, For nothing now can ever come to any good.""

"Gareth: A toast before we go into battle. True love. In whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say, "I was adored once too.""

"The great advantage of having a reputation for being stupid: People are less suspicious of you."

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to drag you from your delicious desserts. [pause] There are just one or two little things I feel I should say, as best man. This is only the second time I've been a best man. I hope I did OK that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other. The divorce came through a couple of months ago. But I'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister before I mentioned it in the speech. The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise, but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence that became their two-day marriage. Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus. There are no skeletons in his cupboard. [pause] Or so I thought. I'll come on to that in a minute. I would just like to say this. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Angus and Laura have made today. I know I couldn't do it and I think it's wonderful they can. So, back to Angus and those sheep."

"Oh, I don't know, Charlie. Unlike you, I never expected "the thunderbolt." I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and, um, settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that."

"Adam Sandler - Robbie Hart"

"Michael Shuman - The Bar Mitzvah Boy"

"Brian Posehn (uncredited) - Man at Dining Table #9"

"Jon Lovitz (uncredited) - Jimmie Moore"

"Peter Dante - Dave's friend"

"Steve Buscemi (uncredited) - David "Dave" Veltri"

"Steven Brill - Glenn's buddy"

"Kevin Nealon - Mr. Simms"

"Billy Idol - Himself"

"Frank Sivero - Andy"

"Christina Pickles - Angie Sullivan"

"Alexis Arquette - George Stitzer"

"Ellen Albertini Dow - Rosie"

"Matthew Glave - Glenn Gulia"

"Angela Featherstone - Linda"

"Allen Covert - Sammy"

"Christine Taylor - Holly Sullivan"

"Drew Barrymore - Julia Sullivan"

"Before the internet, before cell phones, before roller-blades, there was a time... 1985. Don't pretend you don't remember."

"He's gonna party like it's 1985."

"Good afternoon, everyone. We're flying at 26,000 feet, moving up to 30,000 feet, and we've got clear skies all the way to Las Vegas. Right now, we're bringing you some in-flight entertainment. One of our first class passengers would like to sing you a song inspired by one of our coach passengers. And since we let our first class passengers do, pretty much whatever they want, here he is..."

"[In front of mirror while testing her wedding dress] Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Mrs. Glenn Gulia. ... Hello. It's nice to meet you. I'm Julia Gulia. [remembers something Robbie said; pause] It's nice to meet you. [cries] I'm Mrs. Julia Gulia. [begins to smile as she imagines Robbie being her husband] I'm pleased to meet you. I'm Mrs. Robbie Hart. Robbie and I are so pleased you could come to our wedding."

"[singing] You don't know how much I need you. While you're near me, I don't feel blue and when we kiss I know you need me too. I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true. But it all was bullshit. It was a goddamn joke and when I think of you, Linda,I hope you fucking choke. I hope you're glad with what you've done to me. I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy. You left me here, all alone, tears running constantly. Oh would somebody kill me please? Somebody kill me please. I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please! Kill me! I want to die! Put a bullet in my heeeeaaaad!"

"[to Linda] Hey, psycho - we're not gonna discuss this, OK, it's over. Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up."

"Not everyone wants to get married in a crazy way. Not everyone wants their special day ruined by a gimmick. But some people do."

"Vivianne, am I going to meet any more mental people today?"

"Hello, my name is Antoni Clarke, and I am a bride's best friend. [Pause; wearily] I'm not gay."

"[About a prospective bride-to-be in an unlikely bid] She was quite pretty. We could pair her up with someone else."

"David Pasquesi - Hanck"

"Richard Portnow - Al"

"Kate McGregor-Stewart - Joanna MacKenzie"

"Sarah Rose Karr - 7-year-old Annie"

"Eugene Levy - Singer at audition"

"Chauncey Leopardi - Cameron"

"Peter Michael Goetz - John MacKenzie"